Monthly Archives: May 2011

Soccer Weekend

Posted on May 30, 2011 | Leave a comment

I spent Saturday & Sunday out of town on a semi-unexpected trip without my laptop, so this is the first chance I’ve had to write.  I say semi-unexpected because my son was going to play in a soccer tournament but the original plan was that he’d ride with a team mate and stay in a room with one of the coaches.  At the last minute I decided to go drive him and actually ended up with one of his team mates in our car.

There were two games on Saturday and one on Sunday with the championship game to follow.  The Sabers (my son’s team) made it all the way to the championship game, which they won.  Now that might seem the deciding factor as to whether or not the trip was a success, but that was only a piece.

I was never much into sports.  In grade school, I alternated being the shortest in our grade with two other boys, and the difference was only microns. Needless to say that for the recess softball games we were the last picked and there was the unspoken hope among the more talented athletes that recess would end before we got up to bat.  Eventually I tended to take a book to recess.

You have to realize that sports were not a major influence on my life.  I grew up in Toledo, and for most my childhood we didn’t even have the Mudhens minor league baseball team.  When the Mudhens did return, they didn’t actually play in Toledo, but in Maumee – not exactly in my neighborhood.  The University of Toledo had a couple of good football years while I was there, but has never been a sports school.

However, during the tournament I could see some of the things that my son has learned – as well as some he still needs to learn.  In his case, I think he’s got a good chance of learning these things earlier than I did by virtue of being on an organized team. 

Every parent wants their children to succeed better than the parent did and I’m no exception.  I’m glad the team won, but I’m more interested in seeing the other skills these boys are being taught.  Things like discipline, respect and being a part of something as opposed to just thinking about one’s self.

He’s got a long way to go, but he’s just barely a teenager, so that should be just about right.  Seeing him and his team mates progress is what made the weekend a success for me.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Culture, Family

Submitted for Your Approval…

Posted on May 27, 2011 | Leave a comment

I can understand why some people believe in ghosts.  There are just too many things that cannot be explained within the confines of the physical universe.  I’ve never been much of a believer before today, but an event got me thinking…

As I mentioned a blog or two ago, we had a storm and lost power.  I was able to keep basic requirements running by using my generator.  This included not only lights and a fan but also the refrigerator in the kitchen and its predecessor that now resides in the garage.  Like all garage refrigerators this holds the extra 5 gallons of milk, extra eggs, the occasional beer, etc.   Now the garage refrigerator used to share a circuit with the pump for the sprinkler system.  If the refrigerator and the pump were running at the same time the current load was too high and it would trip a breaker, so we had an electrician run a separate circuit for the refrigerator.

This morning I noticed that the new flowers I had planted had not been watered, so I checked the sprinkler system which gave the “No AC” (electricity) error message.  None of the breakers gave an indication that one had been tripped, so I flipped each of the breakers to check.  This did not produce any results except that I have to reset all the clocks in the house.  I then checked the refrigerator.   The light inside the refrigerator portion stopped working years ago and the replacement modular socket costs more than the entire refrigerator is worth.  However, the light in the freezer compartment does work, and when I opened the freezer door there was no light.  I grabbed a multi-meter and determined that there was no current to the refrigerator outlet.

Outdoor outlets and bathroom outlets are equipped with a device called a ground fault interrupter or GFI.  Remember the scene in Ground Hog Day when Bill Murray takes the toaster to the bathroom, sits in the tub and drops the toaster in with him?  The GFI is what is supposed to prevent people from being electrocuted by toasters, hair driers, etc. in wet environments. (As the Mythbusters say, “Don’t try this at home – EVER!!”)  In my home, a GFI had tripped, but instead of affecting one circuit, it affected two.  This was not logical!

  Figuring that the refrigerator may have overheated from an overabundance of breeding dust-bunnies, I took the shop vacuum and tried to clean under the refrigerator.  The vacuum also tripped the GFI.  As a temporary measure, I ran an extension cord into the house and plugged the refrigerator into an indoor outlet.

Later in the day, I decided to check the outlet again with the multi-meter and it showed proper voltage.  On a whim, I plugged the refrigerator into its original outlet and it worked perfectly.  Obviously, this made no sense, so there was only one possible explanation.  My house must be haunted.

All at once, a whole series of puzzling events became explainable.

-          Where do all those socks go that we put into the clothes drier?  They must be stolen by ghosts.  This also led to the irrefutable fact that ghosts must only wear one sock!

-          What happens to those snacks like chips or chocolates that I buy AND THEN CAREFULLY HIDE?  Ghosts would be able to see exactly where I hid them, so they must be the ones eating my junk food!

-          What happens to all my blank CDs, AA batteries and printer paper? 

-          Why when I need to write down a phone number and reach for a pen I can only find ones whose ink supply has dried up.  If I had bought a case quantity of pens the day before, the results would be the same.

-          And my tools – where are the hundreds of screwdrivers, hammers and pliers that I have bought and hung on the pegboard over my workbench?

The list goes on and on.  It is quite clear to me that ghosts had been playing havoc with my home. 

To top it off, I read in the newspaper that Stephen King and John Mellenkamp have collaborated on play.  What is the play about? It’s about a haunted cabin. 

I also have seen information that Ghostbusters 3 is being filmed.  Why the sudden interest in a sequel?  No doubt because of the recent spate of ghostly occurrences. And, are you ready for this…

Remember Bill Murray, the guy with the toaster in the bathtub?  He’s also in all the Ghostbuster movies.

Coincidence?  I think not.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Fiction, Humor

Perspective

Posted on May 25, 2011 | 1 Comment

Yesterday we had a bit of a storm – nothing as bad as the folks in Missouri and Oklahoma with the tornadoes or along the Mississippi with the flooding – but certainly impressive.  The net result at our house was no power from late afternoon until about 1:30 in the morning, so I really can’t complain.  Of course it made it impossible to write anything yesterday.

My son had been working on a big school project on my wife’s laptop computer.  Naturally he was running on the battery.  Unfortunately, but the computer’s charger had stopped working.  No, not because of the storm – it just decided to die on its own.  Actually, it had help because the kids don’t understand that if you bend, pull, tug and otherwise stress wires, they will break.  The external plastic covering will remain pristine, but the actual conductive copper will eventually separate.

Most of us older folks have been burned enough times to know that it’s best to back up early and often.  Back in the olden days, we used floppy diskettes, but that’s sooo twentieth century.  I do have a supply of the “thumb drives” as well as several external hard drives.  I also have the home network set up with one disk drive that can be accessed by all the computers so that the systems can automatically back up or individual files can be saved.  (You know where this is going, don’t you?)

The computer battery was drained with his assignment stored only on that computer.

I spent much of today trying to repair the charger – no good.  I tried combining pieces of two chargers for the same model computer, but the wiring code was different.  Hewlett Packard uses this very odd 3 conductor coaxial cable, so there’s more than the usual challenge to repair it.  I did order one online, but it will arrive after the deadline for the assignment.

I tried using a battery conditioner to recharge the laptop battery figuring that if I could get a small charge I could retrieve the file.  No luck with that.  Finally I removed the hard drive and put it into an external disk enclosure and found the file using another computer.  By this time, the day was pretty much over, the kids were back from school and it was time to head to soccer practice.

Amidst my frustration I was reminded of those who have experienced far, far worse than my petty little problem with a computer.  I thought of whole neighborhoods destroyed by wind or flooding and felt kind of stupid and selfish.

→ 1 Comment

Posted in Culture, People, Philosophy

Bringing Out the Best in People

Posted on May 24, 2011 | 2 Comments

With the tornado in Joplin, Missouri we once again see a lot of the best in people come out, and yes there are always a few who demonstrate the worst.  The “bad guys” are fairly easy to describe.  They’re the looters who pick through someone’s destroyed home and tattered dreams.  They are the people who are responsible for the fraudulent charities that suddenly appear.  They are the rip-off artists who promise to help rebuild homes and lives, but instead take the money and run.

But how do we describe what we mean by the “best” in people?

There were times when neighbors had a lot in common.  Their children may have attended the same schools; perhaps they shared the same church.  In some locales there was a common bond through employment, such as Flint, Michigan had with Buick.  Neighbors interacted more than we tend to do now.

Of course, a lot of this isolation is just a sign of the times.  People move far away from where they grew up and don’t have a tight bond with either location.  People may choose one particular suburb for its proximity to work only to change jobs or have the employer consolidate operations.  Even in a Navy town like the greater Norfolk area you may have a number of neighbors all in the Navy, but their duty locations and work hours are such that it isn’t even possible to carpool.  Add to that the economy with employers not only demanding longer hours, but that workers stay connected after regular hours by e-mail, smartphones, etc. and little time is left to spend getting to know the neighbors.

We are no longer as connected to the people with whom we live.  This makes a tremendous impact on how we support – or don’t support one another.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not criticizing, just noting that things are different.

A lot of people in my neighborhood do many good things.  They donate blood.  They send money to the Red Cross to help people in Joplin, Japan, Haiti or wherever.  They donate nonperishable food to the food banks through their church or the postal service drive.  They drop something in the Salvation Army kettle not just the first time they pass it but every time.  This is good, but there’s a key difference between good and best.

When people do “good” they often are giving.  It could be cash, time or something else.  However, what we see when disaster strikes is people don’t just give, they share.  Sharing requires not only the giving from the purse or the pantry; it also includes an emotional investment.  It says, “I care.”

Imagine that a horrific storm destroyed your neighborhood, including your home.  Within minutes a super-efficient government bureaucracy deposits a sum of money in your account that covers all of your losses and makes arrangements for you to stay somewhere while your home is rebuilt.  (Okay, the super-efficient government bureaucracy is a stretch, but work with me here.)

Now imagine the same storm.  You and your neighbors extract yourselves and each other from the ruins.  You treat those who are injured with what you have.  The neighbor who has a case of bottled water brings it.  Another brings a generator; a third erects a camping tent.  A barbecue grill is located along with some food that will spoil if not eaten.  It’s not much, but it’s shared among everyone. 

Sharing is what they talk about when they say “it brings out the best in people.”  Sharing says, “It’s not much, but what I have we’ll eat or drink together.  We’ll figure out how to fit us both under this umbrella or blanket.   We’ll hold each other up, we’ll cry on each other’s shoulders and we’ll make it through this.  Together.”

That’s what makes it “the best.”

→ 2 Comments

Posted in Culture, Family, Friends, People, Philosophy

A Blogger’s Lament

Posted on May 23, 2011 | 2 Comments

Writing a blog is different from other writing in some ways, similar in others.  Magazine writers have to come up with an idea for an article once a month; usually that happens about 20 minutes before the deadline.  They have an editor to guide and or frustrate them.  They get checks on a periodic basis.  Bloggers, on the other hand need to publish much more frequently – many do so on a daily basis.  There are no editors, so all credit or blame is bestowed on the writer. 

Bloggers also have different reasons for writing.  Perhaps they’re honing their writing skills on their way into the craft.  Perhaps they have a particular cause they’re trying to promote.  I like to think some do it for the sheer joy of creating.  When I pick up a guitar or a saxophone, I have no illusions about my abilities, but it is pleasing to be able to play.  Being able to read music gives me a sense of accomplishment even though my children have now surpassed me in this capability.  However, it’s not a competition; playing music is something to be savored.  The same can be said of writing.

By the definition of some of my more talented blogging colleagues, I qualify as an author as opposed to merely a writer since I have been published.  However, the book I wrote about computers is so far out of date that absolutely NOTHING of it is relevant today.  I’ve had articles published in a range of periodicals, but that matters very little.

What does matter, at least in my mind is what I write today – each day.  Can I inspire someone?  Can I open someone’s mind to think of a concept – even if (or maybe especially if) it is to produce a logical disagreement with my view?  Can I make someone laugh?

Sometimes writing a blog is how I imagine musicians recording in a studio.  Will anyone listen to their music?  Will anyone like it?  Which tracks do they like?  Why?  On the other hand, playing before a live audience gives instant feedback.  They love this song.  The third number after our break – burn the sheet music and let’s pretend we never heard of that turkey much less sang it.

So, humor me.  If you like what I write, please stop by or subscribe to the blog.  Share it with your friends.  A writer enjoys audiences as much as any performer.

On the other hand, if you don’t like my blog, get your enemies to read it.  Sign your boss up as a subscriber.

Unless you actually like your boss.

→ 2 Comments

Posted in Blog, People, Writing

The Fable – Conclusion

Posted on May 21, 2011 | Leave a comment

This is continued from the post on May 18

Charlie and the genie continued their conversation over the next days, or was it weeks?  The genie never seemed to tire, but as Charlie’s attention faded, the genie would invariably lead him around a corner or down a hall and there a comfortable bed would be waiting.  He slept more soundly than he ever remembered and woke up refreshed.  He’d get up, shower, shave and such and always find the genie waiting for him.

This morning the genie greeted him with, “I’m hungry!”  With a snap of the fingers Charlie found them sitting at a table outside a small café in Paris.

“You sure do great illusions!” he marveled.  “If I didn’t know better, I’d say we were in Paris!”

“We are,” replied the genie, sipping his wine.  Charlie stared at him.

“I guess I always assumed you could just make me believe we were somewhere.  I never suspected we actually were.”

“It’s actually easier to move from place to place as opposed to recreating it in a realistic fashion.  That’s hard work.” He paused and looked thoughtful.  Belief is a funny thing,” replied the genie.  “We’ll have to focus on it in one of our discussions very soon.”  Charlie suddenly had an alarmed look on his face.

“Hey!” Charlie said.  “We don’t just pop in and enjoy ourselves then leave the poor waiter to explain why we didn’t pay the bill, do we?”

“Of course not,” replied the genie.

“Well I’ve never paid for any of our meals because I never thought we had gone anywhere, and I’ve never seen you pay either.”

“I don’t,” replied the genie.  At Charlie’s expression of shock he set down his wine glass and took a deep breath.  “Okay, here’s how it works.  If I pay for the meal the money has to come from somewhere which means I have to get it from someone else.  Creating money out of thin air is bad, and especially bad in today’s economic environment.  Let’s just say that it gets very complicated.  Instead, if we eat a basket of bagels and drink a bottle of wine, after we leave, I merely replace the food and wine, plus a little extra as a handling fee.  And, no, I don’t stiff the waiter or waitress.  They find a little extra in their pantry or closet back home as well.  However, I do have to make it so they don’t remember us being here.  It takes a little juggling but it all works out.”  Charlie sat quietly with a particularly thoughtful expression.

“From where do you get your powers?” he asked.  “And are there others like you?”  The genie replied with an odd smile.

“I was wondering when you’d get to that,” he replied.  “I get my power from the source from which all power originates.”

“That’s enigmatic,” replied Charlie.

“Of course.  I can’t allow our conversations to turn dull after as inspiring as they’ve been.  What do you think I mean?”

“There are all kinds of philosophical arguments about the source of not only power but also the source of everything.”

“But, Charlie, what do you think?”

“We’ve already discussed that.  You know I believe in God, so obviously He is the source of all power.  However, I’ve never heard of God having anything to do with genies.”

“Most of the beliefs about genies tend to run in a different direction.  However, a genie by any other name might be..?”

“I’d say an angel, but, well, you don’t fit the mold.”

“First off the information that people have about angels is pretty sketchy; a tiny Biblical mention here, a legend there, but part of the problem is that angels are as different from one another as people are.  First, of course, is what kind of angel you’re talking about; we have something like a caste system, although it’s not limiting to us.  Some, like archangels are our military; you’ve no doubt heard the short version of the attempted coup by Lucifer and how he was cast out of heaven by Michael and his legions.  That’s archangel territory, although I don’t mind telling you that whoever provokes a fight with God is a fool and going to lose, regardless.

“Some angels are messengers, like Gabriel, although to humans their appearance has often been confused with God himself.  I don’t personally see the resemblance, but some people apparently do.  First off, the hair is all wrong, and – oh, never mind.

“We’ve got our musicians and liturgical types, mainly cherubim and seraphim.  They do a wonderful job for which I’m thankful, since I can’t carry a tune in a bucket.  Then we’ve got those specifically assigned to people – the guardian angels who keep kids from hurting themselves too badly and others who act as teachers.  That’s where genies fit in.”

“Don’t take this personal,” Charlie said after a minute, “but you don’t seem like the teacher type to me.  You’re interesting and I’ve enjoyed all our conversations and everything, but you’re nothing like any teacher I’ve ever had.”  The genie positively beamed.

“Why thank you.  That’s the finest compliment I’ve ever had.  You see the best teachers never seem like they’re teaching.  It’s like a great ice skater always makes it look so natural and easy that you forget the years of practice that it took them to glide along the ice and perform those amazing moves!

“But think about all the stories about genies.  Greedy people learned they couldn’t succeed.  Generous people learned the benefit of helping others.  Seeking worldly treasure always has a huge cost.  Both those who encountered the genie and those who heard or read the stories became wiser for the experience.  That’s what teaching is all about.”

“So what am I supposed to learn from you?” asked Charlie.

“You, oh you’re on the right track on your own.  I didn’t spend the last two weeks with you because you needed any serious tutoring.”

“Then why did you let me find the lamp and call you from it?”

“Hey genies get vacations too.”  He leaned in toward Charlie and lowered his voice, “I’ve done the heavenly cruises and frankly, most angels are terrible conversationalists.  This vacation I wanted to spend my time off with someone interesting.  Now I feel better and am ready to get back to work.”  He noticed  Charlie’s smile fade.

“Yes, it’s time for me to go,” the genie said.  Charlie’s expression did not improve, so he added. “Technically, you have three wishes”

“Just stay in touch,” replied Charlie.  “I find it’s better to be happy with what I’ve got rather than wishing for more.”

With a smile and a wink, the genie disappeared and Charlie found himself back in the cave.  The lamp he had uncovered was also gone.  He saw a spot where the sand had been swept flat and written in the sand were four words – “Talk with you soon.”  Charlie picked up his tools, and whistling a tune he walked out of the cave happily looking forward to his trip home.

Copyright 2011 SF Nowak – All Rights Reserved

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Culture, Education, Fiction, People, Philosophy

Guest Blog – Rick Martinez

Posted on May 20, 2011 | Leave a comment

Rick Martinez and I have been friends for many, many years.  Rick’s curriculum vitae approaches the size of a printed encyclopedia, but among his accomplishments, he was publisher of  Administrative Radiology Journal, for which I wrote for 18 years.  Here is something Rick sent to me to share with you.

The grace of our good Lord, Christ Jesus, be to you.

Most of us Americans today don’t realize it, but FREEDOM must be fought for:

It is never FREELY given!

It’s hard to imagine and perhaps believe–we, Americans, have a chance tolose our country? This is what we must remember and what must be ournational conversation, after we remember each and every person who gave their life defending our freedom.    

When we make the decision to go to war, we’ve already made the decision the situation is beyond law and order…and reason. Rogue governments who beat-up and kill their own people (elders, women and children)…or infringe on their neighbors… or threaten America–call us into an OBLIGATORY and JUST war, whereby when we save one innocent person, we save the world.

Yet, it’s time we looked at ourselves inside America and our country. America will never be destroyed from the outside: If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves. For the first in the history of America not only have we become a nation of takers (not givers), but the emigres actually believe they are “entitled” to more than their enclave communities. For example (and while it shouldn’t matter, I’m Mexican), Mexicans want California, New Mexico and Arizona as their own; the Middle Easterners believe Detroit, New York and Glendale, CA., should be like Iran and Muslim states; and of course there are other sects who– like the wilder beasts on the Savannah–will roam and take over whatever land where there’s FREE grazing.  

 Only for insight and thought, not as scare tactic, Memorial Day must be a time for deep introspection and appreciation: Freedom is not free, even though it renders people free. The future of America, our country, will be given shape by our faith… or condemned to drift to disaster by our indifference.

 Throughout history it has been the inaction of those who could have acted, the indifference of those who should have known better, the silence of the voice of justice when it mattered most, that has made it possible for evil to triumph.

It’s not the difference between people that’s the difficulty: It’s the indifference!

 This Memorial Day we must not be indifferent. This, I believe, we must ponder.

 ACCEPT and enjoy the blessings of God.

 –Rick Martinez

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Blog, Culture, Holidays, Immigration

The Fable

Posted on May 18, 2011 | Leave a comment

It was amazing.  It was beyond amazing.  It was stupendously beyond awesomely amazing.  Charlie felt like Indiana Jones – as a matter of fact he thought that if Indiana Jones had been real, he would be quite jealous of Charlie.  After years of research; after years of combing the oldest libraries in the world for tiny scraps of information and then piecing it together he had found it. 

It was not a myth.  Most myths start out as facts, become legends as time and the telling make them more interesting, and then settle as myths because so many facts get lost.  In this case it had taken so long to strip away the exaggerations from the basic facts, but what was most amazing was that the core of the myth was, in fact the one aspect that was irrefutable fact.

He picked up his treasure in cotton gloved hands and wiped the sand away with a small soft paintbrush.  This was ancient sand, the sand of the Persians, the Babylonians, the Assyrians.  This was sand from the cradle of civilization and possibly even from the site of the very Garden of Eden.  He put a jeweler’s loupe to his eye to allow him to read the tiny engraved ancient inscriptions.  They were difficult to read, not because they were faded but because the text was the most ancient dialect of a language not spoken for millennium.  His mind strained to translate the characters to words, the ancient expressions to meaningful statements, but after several hours of effort he was sure.

He set the treasure down respectfully, almost reverently.  As he removed the cotton gloves, he took in a deep breath and just thought.  Was this something he could master, or would it control him.  Ancient powers are remembered because they were so remarkable and he had to heed that.  However, at 39 he was young enough to be willing to take a chance where none needed to be taken.  He took his canteen and poured a small amount of the precious water on the cotton gloves, which he then used to clean the sand from his hands.  He looked one more time at the object of all his effort, picked it up in his bare hands and rubbed the side.  A mist appeared and solidified into the form of a human.  Well, the upper half was human while the lower half faded into vapor.  The human was male and wore the desert dress of a nomad, although the headband marked him as one with power and prestige.

“I am the genie of the lamp.  I will grant you three wishes.”  Charlie was pleased but not surprised; he knew his research had been impeccable.

“Genie, I am pleased to meet you,” he replied.  The genie looked at him without changing expressions.

“I am the genie of the lamp.  I will grant you three wishes,” he said again. 

“I understand,” replied Charlie.  “Don’t you get tired of sitting in that lamp for a couple of thousand years then suddenly find yourself commanded to perform some task?  Stay a while and chat before we do anything else.”

“Is that a wish?” asked the genie.

“No,” replied Charlie.  “This is your choice, not mine.”  The genie merely snorted.

“You,” continued Charlie, “are the stuff of legends to us humans.  You are powerful yet full of danger.  You are at our command but those commands are at our own peril.  I have searched for you for most of my adult life, and have no desire to have our encounter last mere seconds.”   The genie looked at him, interested.  There was an uncomfortable silence.  Finally the genie spoke.

“I find your interest intriguing.  I will visit with you for a while.  No one has given me this choice before.”  Charlie merely smiled and nodded, making it obvious that he was listening and willing to wait.

“I do not live in the lamp,” the genie offered.  “The best way I can describe it in your terms is similar to your boss calling your cellphone.  You know the boss is calling.  The boss knows you know, so you must answer. I do not live in the lamp any more than you live in your cellphone.”  Charlie’s expression betrayed his surprise.

“Yes, I know of cellphones and smartphones and tablets and all that,” the genie offered.  “I even follow sports, well, at least I follow LSU football.  I read the papers and I watch all the important internet sites.  I even check the information against Snopes!”  The genie looked at Charlie as his jaw dropped.  “Hey, I wouldn’t be much of a genie if I didn’t know what was going on, now would I?”  Charlie smiled.

“What?” asked the genie a bit defensively.

“Oh, nothing,” replied Charlie.  “I’m just really enjoying the conversation.”

The conversation continued for quite a while.  It lasted so long that although not strictly permitted, the genie played the host and magically produced refreshments.  The first time it was small cups of sweetened tea with dates, the traditional greeting in the Middle East, but after a while, though, they gravitated toward diet cola. 

After a time, the conversation slowed.  Charlie picked his words carefully so as to not insult the genie.

“Are you a prisoner of the lamp?” he asked.  The genie laughed.  It was a hearty, friendly laugh.

“Well, I sort of insinuated that to some of the previous lamp holders.  But every couple of hundred or thousand years someone finds the lamp and rubs it for their wishes.  It’s a chore.  It’s kind of like when you have to run to the convenience store for a bag of chips.  No big deal.”

Charlie fell silent.  The genie watched him with great interest.  “So what are your three wishes?” he asked.

“Just one,” Charlie replied.  “I’ve enjoyed this so conversation so much that I’d like us to stay in touch. ”

“Sorry,” replied the genie, “I can’t grant that wish.”

“Why?” Charlie asked.  “Is that one of those things like asking for more wishes?  Is it one of the things you aren’t permitted to do?”

“Nope,” replied the genie.  “That was my wish, and I granted it to myself.”

Copyright 2011 SF Nowak – All Rights Reserved

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Fiction, Philosophy

Busy with Life

Posted on May 17, 2011 | Leave a comment

I had a job interview and a training session and am off to my son’s school band concert, so should I perchance have any great wisdom to offer, you’ll just have to wait.

On the other hand, if I was just going to ramble, you regain the time you would have lost reading it.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Uncategorized

Baby Boomers – Act II

Posted on May 16, 2011 | 1 Comment

 

After 40 years of catering to younger consumers, advertisers and media executives are coming to a different realization: Older people aren’t so bad, after all.  Marketers like Kellogg’s, Skechers and 5-Hour Energy drink are broadening their focus to those 55 and up, who, until recently were largely ignored in most media plans.

Bill Carter & Tanzina Vega – The New York Times appearing on Page 1 of The Virginian-Pilot

The young analyst paused at the office door and took a deep breath.  He knocked in what he hoped would be a courteous and respectful manner.  He almost never spoke with senior managers, after all he had started as an intern only a year earlier, the ink still wet on his college diploma.  He couldn’t recall whether he had ever spoken to the CEO before, but decided that this was important enough that he had to take the chance.

“The door’s open,” he heard, and the door handle slipped under his slightly sweaty palm.  “And you are?” asked the boss.

“Edwards, sir.  Charles Edwards.  I’m an analyst in the Strategic Planning Department.”

“So why are you here?”

“Sir, I’ve come across some data that I believe are very significant.” 

“Why didn’t you present these data to your manager in Strategic Planning?” frowned the CEO.

“Well sir, the senior people in my department were either laid off or forced to take early retirement.  I’m the only one left in the department.”

“Well tough economic times call for tough actions,” replied the CEO.  “So what is this critical information that makes you think you can just barge into the senior executive’s office?”  Charles swallowed hard and tried to ignore the sound of his own pulse in his ears.

“Well, sir, you know how America has such a fascination with youth?”

“Tell me something I don’t know.  Everyone knows that.”

“Yes, sir,” replied Charles.  “Please bear with me sir.  I’m trying to lay this out in a logical fashion.”  The CEO merely scowled.

“And you know how the trend has been to eliminate older workers and replace them with younger workers at lower wages?”

“Yes,” replied the CEO testily.

“And you know how most marketing is aimed at the 18 – 49 year old demographic?”

“Get to the point!” demanded the CEO.

“I’m getting there, sir,” replied Charles.  “And you know how Social Security is in trouble because there are going to be fewer workers paying into the Social Security fund and more retirees drawing from it?”  The CEO did not reply as he began to piece together what the young man was saying.

“Well, all of those Baby Boomers we’ve been discounting as customers or workers now represent the group with the most market potential.  It also looks like in the next few years we are going to need them in the work force for three reasons.  First, there are not enough young workers to replace them.  Second, we won’t be able to afford them all to retire and draw their Social Security and third, we need them to keep working so they can pay not only into Social Security but also all the other taxes.”

“Hmmph!” replied the CEO.  “I see your point.  So as the Strategic Planning Department, what do you recommend?”

“Well, sir, as soon as other companies begin to realize that they don’t have enough replacement workers, they’re going to try to get the Baby Boomers back.  Sooner or later even the politicians will realize this too.  They’ve begun to understand the impact on Social Security so they keep pushing the age to receive benefits back, but it’s not just Social Security.  The decrease in income tax at the federal, state and local levels is even more important!”  The CEO now looked fully engaged.

“The Federal Government is on the verge of figuring it out!” Charles continued.  “If they can’t raise taxes so that people pay more, then the only option they have is for the people who are paying taxes to pay at their current rate for a longer period of time.  The feds are going to make it more difficult for people to retire and move to a lower tax bracket!”

“So you’re telling me that we need the Baby Boomers as workers and the government needs them to pay into the federal coffers rather than take out.  So what is our next step?”

“Well, sir,” Charles replied hesitatingly.  “Most companies were pretty brutal when they cut Baby Boomers from the work force.  In addition, they’ve been ignored by marketing.  Our next step is obvious.”

“You don’t mean…?”

“Yes sir.  We’re going to have start being nice to the Baby Boomers and lure them back as both customers and workers!”

Copyright 2011 SF Nowak – All Rights Reserved

→ 1 Comment

Posted in Business, Culture, Future, People, Politics

Fame

Posted on May 15, 2011 | Leave a comment

I’ve been seeing many articles lately asking “How did Oprah change YOU?” 

Excuse me?

My school teachers changed me.

Education and experience changed me.

Military service changed me.

My kids changed me.

But Oprah?

Speaking of my kids, they say things to me that put the whole Oprah thing in perspective.  These include:

“Ed Sullivan, who?”

“I know the Beatles and Rolling Stones did music, but what were they?”

“Gilligan’s Island?  What’s that?”

“What’s an LBJ?”

Sic transit gloria mundi is an ancient Roman saying that translates more or less to “Thus passes the glory of the world”.  Today’s grand persona will probably not even rate a footnote in history.  They’re just not that important, regardless of what their publicists claim.  Sorry.

Grand despots who wreaked havoc on the world such as Genghis Khan, Caligula, Stalin and Hitler will be remembered, of course.  Some leaders will be remembered, although not perhaps in the way they would have chosen; King John will be remembered for the Magna Carta.  He was not the author, but instead had the document and its concepts unwillingly thrust upon him.  Even successful leaders such as George Washington or Mahatma Gandhi are remembered more as legends than real historical figures.  History adjusts memories to provide a less accurate but more pleasing story.  Hence we “remember” Washington cutting down the cherry tree, throwing a silver dollar across the Potomac and wearing wooden teeth – none of which are historically accurate.

On the other hand, those who do not live for fame go through their lives teaching their children a sense of values; a belief that for every right there is a responsibility.  These people may not be remembered five or six generations later, but what they taught on will be.  They are the ones who changed others.

Perhaps this is why Napoleon Bonaparte said, “Fame is fleeting. Obscurity is forever. I’ll take obscurity.” 

I could write more, but I’ve got to go to my daughter’s soccer game.

Copyright 2011 SF Nowak – All Rights Reserved

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Celebrity, Culture, Philosophy

How to Be a (Successful?) Blogger

Posted on May 14, 2011 | 1 Comment

Many bloggers write frequently about the mechanics of writing.  They have an intimate understanding of the tools of the trade; when to write in the third person, when to use first person.  They know how to foreshadow and whether or not to outline a story.  These people write the way a master cabinetmaker plies his trade.  He builds something functional that everyone needs but does so in a manner so that it has aesthetically pleasing lines and adds visual appeal to the room in which it is used.  A cabinetmaker can change a box on the wall in which dishes are stored into a beautiful piece of furniture.  The right kitchen cabinetry is often a deciding factor as to which house a person chooses to purchase.  Many writers have that intimate understanding of which words to choose, how to arrange them and the specific tilt the plot should have.  Their craftsmanship is awe inspiring.

Alas, my style is quite different.  I am not the master of the techniques of writing nor am I well skilled in constructing words and paragraphs to foreshadow at the proper time.  Unlike the cabinetmaker I’m more of a do-it-yourselfer.  I figure I’ve got a hammer, a box of nails and some odds and ends of wood; what more do I need? 

So here’s how I write.

Many times the basic idea rolls around in the back of my mind while performing chores, showering or whatever.  It would be overly kind to refer to it as a half-baked plot; it’s much closer to letting the sour dough starter bubble overnight in order to bake bread.  It’s more pre-baked and unbaked.

In many cases the first thing that I settle on is the character or characters.  I’m sure any reader with education in psychology will have a field day with this, but my characters seem almost real to me.  If they didn’t there’s no way I could write about them to make them seem real to you.  By real, I mean that given a particular situation I know how a particular character will respond.  Sometimes this makes writing easier; at other times when I need to have a certain turn of events, if my character can’t respond properly, I need to create another character.

So now I have my character and maybe the beginning of the plot in mind.  It’s time to start writing, so I go into my office.  I notice my son is checking sports info, so I leave the office to take care of some other chore.  Eventually he leaves and I sit down to write.

But first, I’d better check e-mail.  You never know – there might be something important in the in-box.  Then I check one of the news sites.  If the world is at the precipice of destruction, it would be far more appropriate to grab a nap; I’m sure Samuel Clemens would have chosen a nap over writing if faced with the end of the world.  (Stephen King, on the other hand….)

Okay, the headlines don’t predict Armageddon, so I need to sit down and write.  However, that nap idea is pretty tempting.  After all, one enjoys a nap much better if the world is NOT ending. 

I decide I don’t have time for a nap – not because of the need to write but because of some other reason, so I sit down to write.  Uh oh, Alex the parrot is in dire need of attention, so I let him out of his cage and put him on my shoulder.  He runs down my arm which makes typing an manipulating the mouse close to impossible.  Soon he’s on the desktop and starts rummaging through the collection of objects on my desk.  I retrieve various pens, pencils and papers from him and try to convince him to sit quietly on my shoulder.  (If you ever receive an actual written document from me and one corner is irregular, that’s probably because Alex did it.)  I put Alex back in his cage.

Nobody writes without having something to drink, so I get up, make a small pot of coffee or get a glass of water and head back into the office.  Better  check the e-mail and news again.  The phone rings – that’s always good for a few minutes reprieve.  Or maybe it doesn’t ring and I wonder who might have called but didn’t.

What’s that noise outside?  Could be a garbage truck, could be a fire truck. I’d better check.  As I walk back into the office, Alex tells me he needs a treat, so I give him a sunflower seed.

Finally, all extraneous activities, excuses and distractions dutifully handled.  I start to write.  Once I start, somehow it starts to flow.  Usually I write in one sitting and may actually even read and edit the piece.  (When I read some of what I wrote, I often ask what did I mean by that!?)

I copy the piece and paste it into the blog.  I’m done – at least for today.

Actually I do enjoy writing and expressing myself, but it’s kind of like mowing the lawn or working out – I enjoy having done it far more than actually doing it.

So now you know why I don’t write many blogs about writing blogs.

Copyright 2011 SF Nowak – All Rights Reserved

→ 1 Comment

Posted in Blog, Writing

When I Grow Up….

Posted on May 12, 2011 | 2 Comments

Mr. Adams looked at the stack of papers after each member of the class had finally turned in their assignment.  Since it was a homework project, a few were late, dogs had been blamed for eating at least three, and six were instantly recognizable as having been directly copied either off the internet or from an older sibling.  One, in fact had been recycled from an older sibling who had downloaded it from the internet the year before.  It never ceased to amaze Mr. Adams that students expected to find essays on the World Wide Web but were totally shocked to find that teachers not only knew the same web sites but also had their own search engines to compare student papers with the downloadable one.

The most surprising thing, though, was that Johnnie had been punctual with his submission.  This was, unfortunately not his usual style.  Johnnie was not only quite smart, he bordered on brilliant.  However, he was not the most assertive student;  if Type A means a personality type that shows a lot of initiative while Type B is more laid back, Johnnie was probably a C-.  Part of it was due to his intelligence; he took his textbooks home the first week of school and read them cover to cover.  He seemed to comprehend everything in every book so for the rest of the school year, Johnnie was bored and his mind was on something other than the subject being discussed.

Something about this project had connected with him, and Mr. Adams was suitably intrigued.  The assigned subject was to describe the career each student wanted to pursue.  He couldn’t wait till that evening when he’d have time to read Johnnie’s essay.

After dinner he checked on his own kids’ homework and helped his wife load the dishwasher.  Since both were teachers they had to both pitch in pretty much equally with the household chores in order to get papers graded and lessons planned.  This usually worked out pretty well, except at the end of term when both were extremely busy.  At those times, attempts at healthy eating were abandoned and fast food often became the cuisine of necessity. 

His wife tended to favor the family room for her work area, the kids did their homework at the kitchen table so he took his work to the dining room, and sorted through the stack of essays to find Johnnie’s.  Naturally it was at the bottom of the stack, both because of Murphy’s Law and because Johnnie had turned it in so promptly.  He opened it and began to read.

My Career Plans

When I grow up I plan on becoming a reporter in the media, but not just any medium.  I base my plans on the following principles:

  1. 1.       In the working environment we trade time for money.  Every individual has a finite amount of time; therefore it is logical to exchange that time for the maximum amount of money possible.
  2. 2.       Work is necessary for those who do not have wealth.  While wealthy people may work and may be expected to work, they do not need to work since they have wealth.  The truly wealthy can pay for living expenses strictly on the income from their wealth.  However for most people, including myself, work is a necessity. Without wealth income is required.
  3. 3.       If work is a necessity, then it is logical to perform work that is not unpleasant, and if possible, enjoyable.
  4. 4.       The current employment marketplace favors service industries over manufacturing, which leads to many unrewarding low paying jobs.
  5. 5.       The one successful service industry is the entertainment industry, which includes not only movies and computer games but also publishing and journalism. 
  6. 6.       Many people want to get into the entertainment industry because it can pay a high salary and it looks like it is enjoyable.  However, not everyone can be a rap singer, a movie star or a sports figure.  It is necessary, therefore to find a niche market.

The market niche that I see as most appropriate for me would be the tabloid publishing industry.  The reasons that this appeals to me so much is that tabloids have some of the highest circulation numbers of any published material.  Even those who claim not to like tabloids sneak a peek at the checkout line in the supermarket.

While tabloids are often disrespected, it is hard to ignore them after the National Enquirer almost won a Pulitzer Prize.  The only reason it didn’t was because it calls itself a “magazine” instead of a newspaper which made it ineligible.  This obviously is a technicality and some believe the Pulitzer Committee disqualified the National Enquirer because of what they are.

Tabloids reporters get to see things that no one else does.  When they write, it must be glorious fun.  When a top secret operation occurs, the tabloids can publish an article, compete with pictures before the members of the House Armed Services Committee are briefed.  Tabloid reporters are privy to celebrities’ marital problems or pregnancies before even the celebrities or their spouses are.  Many people don’t know if their siblings have had plastic surgery or cellulite, but the tabloids do.

And most important of all, tabloid reporters are in regular contact with Elvis, extraterrestrial aliens, Bigfoot and other fascinating personages.  In addition, they have the latest miracle diet and cancer cure information before top researchers.

On the other hand, if tabloid articles are not 100% accurate, it would be fun to write articles in which you can make up the “facts” in whatever fashion you choose without the drudgery of research, fact checking or even finding sources.

So, in a few years when you’re at the checkout counter and a tabloid catches your eye – pick it up and see if I’m on the masthead.

Mr. Adams called to his wife.   “Martha?  If you’ve got a minute, I have something here I think you might like to read.”

Copyright 2011 SF Nowak – All Rights Reserved

→ 2 Comments

Posted in Business, Celebrity, Culture, Education, Fiction, Future, Humor, People, Philosophy

Customer Service in the Twenty-First Century

Posted on May 11, 2011 | 1 Comment

There are so many conventions these days that it’s hard to keep up.  There are political conventions, of course, computer conventions, electronic conventions, comic book conventions and science fiction conventions.  Naturally there is also a convention convention where those who put on conventions meet to discuss things in, well, conventional terms. 

Many of these conventions get featured on the mainstream cable news channels, especially if it is a slow news day.  However, there is one important convention that does not get a lot of mainstream focus; no, I’m not talking about the Ham Radio Convention in Dayton, Ohio in two weeks.  I’m talking the Customer Service Convention.

It was a happy accident that I discovered the Customer Service Convention.  Originally I had planned on attending the Psychics Convention; that is sometimes difficult because they don’t post a lot of information about their meetings, because, well, they’re psychics and they already know.  This year they were so in tune with the universe that not only did they not post information about the planned convention, they decided that they all already knew what was going to happen, so they skipped the convention as being entirely unnecessary.

The only one caught off guard by this (besides me) was the hotel at which the convention was to be held.  This is not an uncommon occurrence and explains why for the Psychic Convention all rooms must be paid for in advance and are nonrefundable.  The hotel scrambled to find another event and ended up with the Customer Service Convention.  In years past this was a relatively small event encompassing mainly the employees from United States Postal Service and the Departments of Motor Vehicles.  With the decline of the USPS, membership has been opened to other suitable organizations.  It’s a sad note that while postal workers were once seen as the model for customer service, today they are looked at with scorn.  They keynote speaker put it rather well in his remarks.

“At one time the Post Office could make you jump through any hoop, wait in any line, pay any price and suffer any indignity regardless of who you were or how much you were worth.  Today it mainly hands out junk advertisements like some hawker handing out tickets in front of a strip club in New Orleans or Las Vegas.

“However, as we have shifted from a manufacturing economy to a service economy, many other industries have filled this void and learned how to treat customers badly and like it!  In the past years we’ve made advances such as we never expected.  Let’s take a look at some historic customer service milestones.

“In the Sixties the telephone company was a monopoly so complete that it was illegal for a person to even own a telephone.  Long distance calls were usually completed with operator assistance meaning you did exactly what you were told or your call would not go through.  The phone company didn’t care who died, or how important the call was, it was ‘My way or the highway’ and they meant it.  If you didn’t cooperate you could literally be forced to get in your car and drive your message to the recipient.

 “In the Seventies the cable companies trained everyone to expect to wait and wait and wait.  They would say that they would be at the customer’s site ‘Sometime between 8:00 AM and Noon’ or “Between Noon and five o’clock’ but everyone knew it really meant ‘Sometime between when we feel like it and when hell freezes over.’

“In the Nineties, fast food perfected the self-obfuscating intercom system thereby making it so that neither the customer nor the drive through attendant had any idea as to what the other was saying.  Of course, this was somewhat quaint as the expectation that customers would receive what they had ordered had long been laid to rest.  Drive-throughs were like a box of chocolates, like Forrest Gumpp would say.  You never knew what you would get.

“Then came the airlines that eliminated meals, snacks, drinks and 25% of the size of the seat.  When passengers didn’t rebel they followed that up with charges to check bags.  Not only was that genius, but, and this still cracks me up – After they charge to check your bag, if they lose it (at this point the speaker lost his composure completely and began to giggle uncontrollably) THEY DON’T EVEN REFUND THE CHECKED BAG FEE!

“But now we’re in the second decade of the twenty-first century and it is my proud duty to talk about the new industry leader that is defining Customer Service!  Ladies and Gentlemen, let’s give a round of applause to the healthcare industry!

“Nowhere else does a customer sign a statement that talks about his right to privacy at the same time he is required to write his full name on a page so all the other patients know who’s who.  This may be merely a trifle at the family doctor, but is pretty embarrassing at the proctologists or sexual dysfunction clinic.  And just to make sure everyone knows everyone else’s business, the receptionist makes no effort to be discrete but bellows out the patient’s full name so that everyone can put a face with the name as the patient stands up.

“Of course, it’s always fun to give that personal touch and doctors’ office personnel have proven especially adept at this.  You’ve heard it; ‘The hemorrhoids giving you any trouble today, Mr. Johnson?’ or ‘I hope that nasty rash has cleared up Mrs. Jones so that you can ride your bike and get back to your horseback riding.’  And most fun of all is, “Well now that you’re done with your antibiotic treatment, let’s see if the doctor will refill your Viagra prescription for you.

“But it’s not just in what you say, or how you say it.  We all know that actions speak louder than words.  Some of the innovations that we’re seeing in healthcare are requiring the patient to repeatedly write the same information on form after form after form.  Bringing documentation to prove they’re insured, documentation to prove their identity and then documentation to prove that what they brought is their documentation.

“Last but not least is the latest technique in Customer Service that has won the healthcare industry  this year’s special recognition.  There are now doctors’ offices, clinics and hospitals – are you ready for this?  There are now doctors’ offices, clinics and hospitals that CHARGE THE PATIENT FOR FILLING OUT THE PAPERWORK!

“Now I have much more to say on this, and I know you’ll find it interesting, but it’s time for my break.  Everyone needs to sit down and shut up and wait until I get back.  Thank you.”

Copyright 2011 SF Nowak – All Rights Reserved

→ 1 Comment

Posted in Business, Communications, Culture, Healthcare, Management, People, Philosophy, Uncategorized

When I Was a Kid

Posted on May 10, 2011 | 1 Comment

There are some aspects of parenting that require preparation, while some we can just ad lib without fear.  Two AM feedings and diaper changes really weren’t much of a challenge – but of course I was younger then.  Some parents find the first day of school traumatic, but that’s more of a mother thing.  Dad’s just notice that more money was spent on school supplies.  We dads are more focused on the important things like how to throw a football, dealing with a bully, making funny noises and, of course, how to whistle. 

Parents are important teachers and good teachers know they have to prepare their lessons.  There are some lessons that even dads have to prepare for.  These include responses to:

  1. “Can I have a Facebook account?”
  2. “I want to download this great rap/hip-hop song called ‘I wanna $#@! the $#@! Until You $#@!”
  3. “Can I start a fire?”
  4. “For my birthday I want (fill in the animal, impractical or impossible here.)”

These, and others require different answers depending upon the circumstances including age, current temperament, GPA as of current reporting period and the condition of the child’s bedroom; anything above Environmental Protection Agency condemnation is good.  Needless to say both the parent and child agree that the initial response is fairly predictable.  It is the follow on response that matters.

Then of course there is the explanation of human procreation.  This requires a lot of preparation for several reasons:

  1. It is necessary to determine the current rumors, legends and misinformation passed along on the playground/school bus/ etc.
  2. It is often necessary to reconcile current politically correct teaching with values that the family is trying to instill.
  3. A refresher on the latest sexually transmitted diseases that did not exist during the parents’ childhood or may have developed since “The Lecture” with the previous child.

I’m sure every parent can agree that for some subjects preparation is the key.  Because of this, I’d like to share the following to make sure that it is appropriate before I present it to my children.

“When I was a kid things were much tougher.  We had one phone for the entire family and there wasn’t even call waiting or phone mail.  If my sister was on the phone and I was waiting for an important call, I had no way of knowing that someone had even tried to call.  Even worse, the phone was fastened to the wall with a cord to the part you listened and talked to.  If you paced while on the phone, the cord got all knotted up.  I never knotted it up, but I was always the one to fix it.!

“McDonalds only had 4 sandwich choices and 3 drink choices.  There were no Japanese restaurants because nobody ate sushi.  If you went to the convenience store and asked to buy a bottle of water they’d look at you like you were crazy.  Starbucks didn’t exist and your choices for coffee were black or with cream; if you wanted a cappuccino you had to go to Italy.

“Minimum wage was just over one dollar an hour.  My family had one car, one television set and that TV only got four channels.  Television went off the air at midnight.  There was no cable or recorded movies. 

“The Internet hadn’t been thought of, only huge corporations had computers.  When I finally did get a computer, you didn’t touch the screen; all that did was make smudges.  To communicate with friends you didn’t have e-mail and no one could afford long distance so you wrote a letter and waited weeks for an answer.

“Seven-Eleven was only Five-Nine and no one was allowed to date until they were twenty-one.”

Okay, I made the last part up, but I’m sure it just as unbelievable to my kids as the rest of it.

Copyright 2011 SF Nowak – All Rights Reserved

→ 1 Comment

Posted in Culture, Family, Humor, People, Philosophy

Why Not to Blog

Posted on May 9, 2011 | Leave a comment

Spring soccer is terribly unpredictable in Virginia, and I assume elsewhere.  This year many of the games were rained out earlier so make up games get scheduled at the tail end, along with tournaments, etc.  Even Mothers’ Day had its share of soccer games.

Life is like that.  Every time we think that we have things scheduled and know what needs to happen when and where, something arises to lay those plans to rest.  In the military we often referred to this as “Overcome by Events” usually described as “O.B.E.”  I’ve often thought having a rubber stamp to mark things “O.B.E.” to save me the trouble of explaining it.  Of course the person I’m usually trying to explain it to is myself, something like, “How in the world could this happen?”

Writing a blog can be unpredictable.  Blogging is frequently OBE.  It may be that priorities like family don’t leave time for blogging.  It also may be that my particular muse has taken a day off. 

I see many bloggers whose blogs are aimed at writers and who focus on the art and craft of writing.  Some days they may write about sentence structure or writers’ tools.  I guess I’m more of a philosopher than a writer so I seek to share ideas.  Sometimes the day to day tasks of just plain living manage to occupy my mind and I don’t write because I haven’t had any new ideas to share.

Put another way, if I have something interesting to say, I’ll try to blog it.  If I run out of time today, I’ll try to get it out tomorrow.  Sometimes when I have nothing to say, I can say nothing in a funny way, so I’ll write that.  On the other hand, if I have nothing to say and can’t be entertaining, I’ll just shut up.

So, if you notice a dry spell, don’t panic (or celebrate, for that matter).  All a few quiet days mean is  that I respect others too much to take up your time for no reason.

I’ll try to think up something funny and write that tomorrow.  Wish me luck.

Copyright 2011 SF Nowak – All Rights Reserved

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Blog, Philosophy

An Open Letter from the CEO of MegaGlut Oil, Inc.

Posted on May 3, 2011 | 1 Comment

I am personally and professionally chagrinned that first quarter financial results show profits of eleventy-gazillion dollars before taxes.  Actually, that’s after taxes; in fact as luck would have it, it’s the same both before and after taxes.  In any case, I can’t tell you how embarrassing this is when so many people are having to adjust their standard of living to deal with the high cost of fuel.  I promise you that we at MegaGlut are as affected as you are.  My limo driver no longer warms up my car before I get in, and those leather seats are rather crisp in the winter months.  Silk suits are not very insulating.  Further, my private jet often has to endure turbulence when traveling at more fuel efficient altitudes.  On my way to this corporate meeting we hit some bad weather and I spilled most of my vodka martini – and I’m talking real premium vodka, not the stuff that you can buy in the neighborhood liquor store.

It is especially difficult this year following so close behind the tragic oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.  Megaglut is reaching out to those who have been affected by the spill with compassion and good will.  For example, a Mr. Jean Thibodaux of Grand Isle, Louisiana was the fifth generation in his family who made their living trawling for shrimp.  He and his fellow shrimpers were devastated by the spill.   They may be affected for years to come and his family may no longer remain in the shrimp business.  Megaglut has sent him several checks for hundreds of dollars!  We also have sent him $25 worth of coupons to save on Megaglut marine fuel and a ten pound bag of frozen shrimp.  Megaglut cares for people!

Megaglut shares your pain and financial loss, Mr. Thibodaux.  When the United States halted drilling in the Gulf of Mexico we had to start drilling off the coast of Brazil instead.  This involved moving equipment and vessels and hiring hundreds of South American workers to replace the oil workers from Louisiana.  The only bright spot is that these workers are much cheaper than American workers.  Oh, and the girls down there wear these really teeny-tiny bathing suits. Well, that and the eleventy-gazillion dollars, of course.

I hope everyone knows that Megaglut is a good citizen.  We take our responsibilities seriously.  Although Megaglut can’t vote – yet – we do participate in the democratic process by investing millions of dollars in campaign contributions.  Why? Because we care.

It is Megaglut’s goal to be a good neighbor and a good citizen just like you…

only better.

Copyright 2011 SF Nowak – All Rights Reserved

→ 1 Comment

Posted in Business, Culture, Energy, Fiction, Humor, Management, Philosophy, Wealthy

Bin Laden – The Pakistani Ambassador’s Response

Posted on May 2, 2011 | Leave a comment

So it turns out that until Seal Team Six got him Osama Bin Laden had been living in pretty nice digs in Pakistan.  I’m sure the Pakistani ambassador to the United States has had a lot to answer for.  I figure a conversation with Secretary of State Hilary Clinton may have gone something like this…

“Madam Secretary, you can’t possibly imagine my embarrassment!  After telling you for years that Bin Laden was living in a cave in the lawless foothills that cross between Pakistan and Afghanistan, it turns out he’s living in an upscale neighborhood right smack dab in the middle of my country!  If you think being at a state dinner with some spinach stuck between your front teeth is embarrassing, well you can only imagine how I feel.

Some people say that it is especially peculiar that his compound was very close to Pakistan’s Military Academy and we should have noticed.  How silly.  Military cadets are college kids and they are so easily distracted.  Trust me; all they think about is girls.  Even if one of them had noticed I’m sure he would never have thought to tell anyone.  And the professors, they are all worse.  It’s that going directly from school into teaching thing; they have no concept of the real world.  Half of them think they’re still in the 1960’s puffing their hookahs and playing their sitars.

You can’t believe the crass comments I’ve been subjected to.  Some people say that an unauthorized military base should be easy to notice.  You know, people running around with guns and stuff.  Hey, my cousin runs a convenience store in Detroit.  It’s the same thing there.  Besides, we have a proud tradition of firing weapons into the air for celebration of special events like weddings.  If no falling bullet hits the bride or the groom, it’s a sure sign of good luck.

And last but not least, you told us to look for a skinny guy with a greying beard dressed in traditional robes.  That describes over half the guys in my country!  In my own family it perfectly describes my father, father-in-law, my brother in law and my mother-in-law. Well, that’s not 100% true; Bin Laden was much prettier than my mother-in-law.

So you see it is I and the nation of Pakistan who has been ill-used.  We are hurt.  We are humiliated.  We are victims.  I appeal to your sense of global community.  I appeal to your sense of political correctness.  If necessary, I’ll appeal directly to Oprah!  America is a powerful country and has wronged us.

However, I just happen to have this agreement for America to provide us with a significant increase in foreign aid.  If you’ll be so good as to sign here, I’m sure we will find it in our hearts to forgive America.”

Copyright 2011 SF Nowak – All Rights Reserved

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Humor, Politics