Monthly Archives: September 2011

Welcome to My Kitchen

Posted on September 29, 2011 | 2 Comments

My day job involves analysis and discussion followed by writing.  I get to take my ideas and the ideas of the other team members and put the consolidated product together.  It’s almost as if all of the experiences and education were leading up to this.  It’s intellectual.  It’s challenging. I wake up often before the alarm because I enjoy it.

At home, things are different.  Things are less cerebral and more mundane.  My latest project was refinishing our kitchen table and chairs.  The kitchen is important.  Very important.  Even with soccer, music lessons and after school activities; even with my travel for work, the kitchen is where the family members share their days, their thoughts and their dreams.

We bought the kitchen set when we first moved here.  The kids were small children then, and the table suffered the usual exposure to small children.  If you’re a parent you know what I mean.  Of course it has also served as homework central – including school projects involving plaster, paints, and other things that those without children banish to the workshop.   Oh, and it has had its share of crafts projects, impromptu art and even acted as a worktable for various electronics projects.  Even after the refinishing there were remnants of paint and sparkles that ended up under the new finish.

It’s not just that we deserved nicer; it’s also that the table and chairs deserved it too.  They’ve paid their dues.  They deserve a little respect for their solid duty.

There are 6 chairs; the table and three chairs are done.  Two chairs are halfway complete and one is awaiting the arrival of more fabric.  All in all, not bad for a couple of days work.  The tale and finished chairs turned out great.  While I try hard and do my best I have to believe that a certain carpenter I admire helps me out on these projects.  In any case, everyone is pleased with the results.

When I’m done, the table will undergo its next round of functional tasks.  It will be party central for Thanksgiving – even if the main meal is in the dining room.  It will be where everyone gathers when we have friends over to watch a football game.  Its shiny new finish will reflect all of these events and gather its dings and smudges.

I put a lot of work into restoring the kitchen set.   I know that soon it will show its wear.  That’s what it’s here for – to be a gathering place for friends.  Every smudge, every scratch, every smear will be from someone who is special to our family.

My wife and I long ago decided that we preferred a home – a place of love and warmth and sharing to a “house beautiful.”

We got our wish.

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Posted in Culture, Family, Philosophy

Cicadas

Posted on September 28, 2011 | 1 Comment

It’s now officially autumn 2011. Most small children are back in school, the others are back on the campaign trail.
Sometimes, though we fail to notice or appreciate the little things in life. For example this year was the one out of 17 in which the cicada emerges, at least here in Virginia. I remember being fascinated as a kid when we’d find their discarded exoskeletons still holding on to tree bark long after the insect had re-hardened and flown away. This past spring the sound of the cicadas was a constant background to my son’s soccer tournament.

The picture comes from National Geographic – [http://animals.nationalgeographic.com/animals/bugs/cicada/].
By my calculations, I’ve experienced the cicadas only three times before and hopefully will hear them one more time. For something that only happens 4 or 5 times in a lifetime I really did not give it the attention it deserved.
Some things we look forward to as kids are just as we expected. As a kid I read about the centennial of the USA and knew I’d see the bicentennial. For me it was great. Other things are a disappointment. I remember looking forward to seeing Halley’s Comet, but instead of the conflagration of the heavens there was a little fuzzy spot I saw at 3:00 AM after driving out into the country. At least I think it was Halley’s. Fortunately I got to see Hale-Bopp and that was at least up to my expectations for Halley’s.
So, good bye to the cicadas. Next time I’ll pay a little more attention.

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Posted in Culture, History, People, Philosophy

Better Than a Bank?

Posted on September 26, 2011 | Leave a comment

I saw an interesting article yesterday titled “Bank Deposits Soar, Despite Rock Bottom Interest Rates” By E. Scott Reckard, of the Los Angeles Times. Click on the link to read it.

The one line in the article that really sums it up is “Banks and credit unions are doing everything they can to get rid of cash except make loans,” said Mike Moebs, a banking consultant.

This caused a neuron that I haven’t accessed since undergraduate Finance 101 to tingle. Back in those days banks and other financial institutions were much more regulated. “National” banks meant that they were organized under federal rules – not that they covered the entire country. There were also banks chartered under state rules and in many cases banks could operate only in the county where they were incorporated and the contiguous counties.

Besides banks and credit unions there were “Savings and Loan Associations” which were also known as “Thrifts.” As I recall, the banks, known then as “Commercial Banks” had traditionally dealt almost exclusively with companies rather than individuals. Hence the “Commercial” delineator. I’m sure they wouldn’t have turned John D. Rockefeller away, but they did not deal with most individuals. This limited most people significantly, particularly with regard to purchasing a home.

Someone came up with the idea of starting an institution that would accept money from individuals as deposits and loan that money to individuals in the form of a mortgage. They had existed in various forms in Great Britain for years, but really came into their own in the US in the early twentieth century. It was a win-win situation. At one point there were even provisions that permitted Savings and Loan Associations to pay a higher rate on deposits than banks. They were focused on deposits and mortgages; for example, they were prohibited by law from offering some bank services such as checking accounts.

Over time the role of the Savings and Loan Association was absorbed by banks and credit unions. In many cases this is because these institutions arrange mortgages (and other loans) then sell these off to others such as Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. In the 1980’s corners were cut, fraud occurred and questionable loans written ultimately leading to the death of the S & L’s. (Note: I wonder where those managers who killed the S & L’s found new jobs…)

However, these days we have people who wish to deposit money and receive interest on their deposits. We also have people who either wish to purchase a home or possibly refinance an existing one. Maybe the Savings and Loan Association is due for a second life.

As I recall, back in those days the mortgages were not bundled into indecipherable derivatives, but held by the Savings and Loan Association. This avoided many of the ills that the real estate market has recently endured. Back then people were more closely associated with and knew one another better which reduced the risk to at least some degree. Not only did the depositors know the borrowers, but the borrowers certainly did not want to fail both financially and in the eyes of their friends and neighbors (aka the depositors.) Finally, if there were a financial set back, it was in everyone’s interest to try to work things out.

Maybe if an organization like a church or fraternal group set up something like a Savings and Loan for their members it could correct at least some of the financial problems we’re currently facing. I know there are rules and regulations, but certainly there must be a lawyer somewhere who could figure out how to make it work.

The Savings and Loan idea worked once. It just might work again, or maybe this discussion could lead to something else that might work.

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Posted in Business, Culture, Future, Government, History, Management, People, Philosophy

You Have Reached Customer Service

Posted on September 25, 2011 | 1 Comment

If companies were required to truthfully explain things, you might hear this when you called a business on the telephone.

“Thank you for calling. Your call is very important to us, but not so important that we’ll actually answer it. Instead we’ve installed this automated telephone attendant, also called a communication prevention system. This system will discourage many callers who will then hang up. While it may cost us thousands in lost business it means we don’t have to hire someone for nine bucks an hour to answer the telephone.

“If you know your party’s extension, you may dial it at any time. However, if you know your party’s extension you are probably a spouse, close friend or golfing buddy rather than a customer. If you don’t know your party’s extension press 1 for a directory. Once again, this is helpful for friends and acquaintances but not very helpful for people contacting us about business.

“You may prefer to access information by using our web site which is available 24 hours a day. Of course if you’re calling about a computer problem, that’s about the most worthless advice we can give you. The advantage to us is that we can ignore your problem until we’re in the mood to answer it. Given that this is football season and we have lots to discuss about recent games, don’t hold your breath.

“At this time we are experiencing heavy call volumes, so there may be an extended wait. This is also because we don’t want to hire people. It’s much easier to blame it on heavy call volumes than poor staffing.

“You may press two to leave a message and we’ll return your call. This is like the on-line option, so if we decide to return your call, we’ll call when convenient for us. Could be today. Could be next week. Who knows?

“If you choose to stay on the line, your call will be routed to the next available customer service representative. This person is located in some forsaken third world country where they work cheap. Do not expect to understand what the agent is saying because they only have a very limited use of English. This is not normally a problem as they have neither the knowledge nor the authority to resolve your problem.

“Let me share a little secret. Perhaps it would be better just to accept the fact that you bought our product. We have your money. We no longer have any interest in you until you’re ready to purchase a replacement in three years. At that time we’ll show some glitzy television commercial, jack our price up but throw in an attractive rebate. Many people either forget to send for the rebate or forget one of the many requirements, so we usually get to keep that money. At worst, if you do dot every I and cross every t on the rebate form we get an interest free loan from you for three or four months.

So in other words, why don’t you just go away?

“Thank you and have a nice day.”

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Posted in Business, Communications, Culture

The Salahis

Posted on September 24, 2011 | Leave a comment

It’s hard not to comment on things that are completely absurd. The problem is that there are so many absurd things that the media focuses on. Recently the big story has been that the female half of the White House party crashers has run off with the guitarist from Journey – a band from MY era. The response is that her husband goes on a talk show to complain that all she wants is more fame and money. Talk about the pot calling the kettle Teflon!
I have to wonder if I’m on the wrong planet, or the wrong dimension or something. Rod Serling at his best couldn’t have come up with the bizarre situations such as those we experience every day. Sorry, Rod, but your Twilight Zone cannot compare to ours.
Of course, most of the weird experiences are tied directly to the “media.”
“Media,” of course, is the plural of medium in the same way that alumni is the plural of alumnus and opera is the plural of opus (that one surprised me the first time I heard it, too.) So, therefore, media is the equivalent of mediums. More than one medium. Is that like more average than average?

[Dictionary.com] says
me•di•um adjective, noun
1. a middle state or condition; mean.
2. something intermediate in nature or degree.
3. an intervening substance, as air, through which a force acts or an effect is produced.
4. the element that is the natural habitat of an organism.
5. surrounding objects, conditions, or influences; environment.

The first definition basically refers to “average” as in what would rate a grade of “C.” Most parents would not brag about their C-level students. There’s a reason for that.

Of course a medium also is someone who claims to speak to the spirits of the dead. I guess that’s because the living don’t find them very interesting.

The saddest part of this whole situation is that now Journey’s reputation has been diminished. It’s a bad sign when the groupie gets more attention than the band.

All things considered, I think that I would prefer something better than a medium. I’m going to turn off the television and find a good book. Good is better than medium.

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Posted in Celebrity, Communications, Culture

Where Can I Mail a Letter?

Posted on September 21, 2011 | Leave a comment

Everyone is well aware of the current financial difficulties of the United States Postal Service.
There might be a reason they are having some of the current problems. Just a thought.

I have a daughter who is profoundly handicapped who lives hundreds of miles away. I try to write her every week. Sometimes it’s a card or postcard, at other times it’s a plain old vanilla letter. When I travel, I try to find a postcard from the area or some other representation of the area in which I’m located.

This week I’m traveling. I wrote her a letter. I stopped at the front desk of the military berthing site where I’m staying and asked where I could mail a letter. They couldn’t tell me.

“We used to have a mailbox out front but they took it out,” the lady told me.

The USPS is complaining that they are losing business so their response is to make it more difficult to utilize their services? Actually this is no surprise if you’ve stopped into a post office in the past 25 years. My experience is that if you arrive 1 minute before the post office is scheduled to open there will be a line waiting. There is no way the USPS employees will open the gates to wait on those customers until opening time. It doesn’t matter if the president is standing in line – it just ain’t gonna happen.

However, if one of the USPS employees is telling another employee a joke or a story, that must be completed before the customers can be allowed up to the counter. This means that if the post office has a scheduled opening time of 9:00 AM and there is a line waiting, the rehash of yesterday’s game may not be completed until 9:05 – 9:07. After, and only after this can customers be served.

The USPS claims that it is seeking to reinvent itself because of the competition from e-mail, UPS, FedEx, DHL, et al. To do this they are focusing on two areas – bulk mail and package delivery. I don’t know about you, but almost all my USPS delivered bulk mail goes directly from the mail box to the recycling bin.

Oddly, the profitable commercial delivery services are not competing for the bulk mail business. I suspect that if bulk mail were truly profitable the commercial interests would be very interested.

If I heard correctly, there was a brief comment on the news this morning stating that when the USPS delivers packages they are planning on no longer taking them to the door. If it doesn’t fit in the mailbox, you’ll have to go to the post office. UPS delivers to the door. FedEx delivers to the door.
Of course another cost cutting measure of the USPS is to close post offices. So they won’t deliver your package to the door and it will be more difficult to retrieve your package at a post office.

One might become cynical and begin to believe that the USPS is doing everything possible to ensure its own demise. Despair.com has a poster showing a telephone covered with cobwebs; the captions says, “If we don’t take care of our customers – maybe they’ll leave us alone.” You don’t suppose the USPS failed to recognize that as satire?

Perhaps the USPS should reinvent itself as the Old Post Office. Back when I was a kid a mailman had a uniform, a leather bag and a three wheeled cart. Total cost, a couple of hundred dollars; carbon footprint – nil. Today each mail carrier has a vehicle, most specially built trucks with left hand drive. Fuel economy is worst with stop-and-go driving, so the fuel economy must be abysmal. Total cost, tens of thousands of dollars (at best); carbon footprint …

Would returning to old practices solve all of the problems? Of course not. It might, however buy time to figure out what role the USPS should play in the future. It’s obvious that the business model the Postal Service has chosen is not working. Slightly modifying the course of a plane while it is in a dive only changes where it crashes, not whether or not it crashes.

The down side is that would take more people if we went back to the old style of mail delivery. If only there were high levels of unemployment – then we could hire some of those people to deliver mail. And what if the federal government had a “stimulus” plan to inject money into the economy; in that case the mail carriers could be paid with stimulus funds! Who knows, there may even be some senior managers or industrial engineers among the unemployed who could figure out how to come up with a long term solution to the USPS conundrum.

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Posted in Business, Communications, Culture, Energy, Government, Management

Argument

Posted on September 20, 2011 | 1 Comment

“Did not!”

 “Did too“

“Did not!”

“Did too!”

 You’d think after as many years as I have been a parent, I’d be used to it.

“Well you started it!”

 “I did not!”

“Well, you were here first so you had to be the one to start it!”

 “I may have been here, but I wasn’t doing anything!”

 “Did too!”

I used to think that my kids asking if we were there yet every 5 minutes on a car trip was the most annoying thing in the world. This beat it hands down.

 “Everyone knows it’s your fault! You can’t get along with others! Why can’t you just play nice?”

 “My fault? My fault? It’s not my fault, it’s your fault! You can ask anyone and they’ll back me up on this!”

It’s very difficult to keep one’s cool during such interactions, but the experts tell us it’s best to let them work out these issues on their own or they’ll never learn. I waited and suddenly realized that I was unconsciously holding my breath. I let my breath out and gave myself a minute to replace the carbon dioxide in my system with oxygen. The discussion, however, continued unabated while I waited. Finally I stepped in.

“Okay, everyone!” I interrupted. The argument continued. “Please!” I intoned. “Please?” “PLEASE!?” Finally everyone was silent. I took a deep breath.

“Thank you,” I offered. “Now onto the next question for our candidates participating in today’s pre-election debate…”

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Posted in Communications, Culture, Humor, Politics

Confiteor Dei

Posted on September 17, 2011 | 3 Comments

I walked into the church on Saturday afternoon as inconspicuously as I could and chose a pew that seemed more in shadow than the others.  I watched the procession of fellow parishioners make their way to the small room in the back.  Eventually the line was down to one – me.  I briefly thought of just leaving, but steeled myself and walked toward the reconciliation room.  It’s strange how things change; just minutes before the walk from the entrance to the pew had seemed short, but now the journey of half that distance seemed to take at least twice as long.

For those of you that aren’t Catholic, we have various sacraments.  Visible signs of heavenly grace.  Most Christian faiths recognize baptism and Holy Matrimony, aka marriage.  The one least appreciated outside Catholicism is the Sacrament of reconciliation, which older Catholics still call confession.  I’m not here to debate Catholic sacraments, but merely to describe one – and only one experience.

It used to be that there were confessional booths – I’m sure they predated telephone booths.  In any case, the priest sat in the middle one and the faithful entered into booths on either side; the priest would open a small covered window so he could hear but not see the confessor who would confess his or her sins. After that the priest would offer absolution and assign a penance – usually a specified number of specific prayers.

After the late 1960’s, reconciliation could either be conducted through a concealing grill or face to face.  Either way the priest was sworn to silence about anything he heard in confession.  Usually I chose to sit face to face with the priest – but today was different.

You see, as we go through life we discover things about ourselves – some good, some not so good.  It wasn’t my growing older that made me realize where I had failed, it was as my family grew older.  In any case, today I chose to be on the side that would conceal my identity.  I knelt down and the priest welcomed me to the sacrament.

“Let us pray that you can use this sacrament as a way to become closer to God,” he offered. 

The priest’s voice had an Irish accent.  This meant that it was Father O’Brian.  The Father O’Brian.  Graduate of Notre Dame.  Third string kicker while an undergraduate.  Chaplain for ten years after he was ordained.  Known to disregard all phone calls with the exception of life and death issues on Fighting Irish game days.

I suddenly knew I was going to hell.

“Bless me, father for I have sinned,” I began and proceeded through the sacrament listing those things where I had failed.

“Is there anything else, my son?” he asked.  I took a deep breath.

“Father, I try to support my family financially, physically and emotionally, but there’s one area in which I fail.”

“Please continue,” he encouraged.  “Don’t worry, you’re not going to tell me anything I haven’t heard many times before.”  I swallowed hard and took a deep breath.

“Father, I’m the only member of my family that doesn’t enjoy football.”  There was a long and uncomfortable silence.

“About which part of football are you speaking?” he asked.

“All of it.”

“Are you talking college or professional football?”

“Both.”

Another long silence.

Followed by even more silence.

“For your sins, your penance is three Hail Marys.”

“Yes, Father,” I replied.

“For the rest of it, I most strongly recommend a pilgrimage to Baton Rouge.  Once you get there you are  to tailgate with Tigers’ fans.  If that doesn’t help you, nothing will.  I frimly believe this will help you be better at connecting with your family and with football.”

“Yes, father,” I replied.

“Oh, and for a home game on Saturday the tailgating starts on Wednesday.  Don’t be late.”

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Posted in Family, Humor

Honey vs. Vinegar

Posted on September 14, 2011 | Leave a comment

While I was in Washington, DC I noticed a number of vehicles with the logo for Metro – the commuter train on the side.  They ranged from lawn equipment hauling trucks to armored cars, as well as a number of automobiles.  As it turns out, my hotel in Alexandria, VA (suburban Washington) was located near one of the equipment yards for the Metro.  However, one of the big local stories was that a number of Metro officials had access to cars they could take home.

Now I’ve been told that Washington, DC not only encourages people to use the Metro it also intentionally limits parking spaces to a number that is a fraction of the numbers of people who work there.  Apparently they take their mass transit quite seriously and expect everyone to utilize it whenever possible.

I use the Metro in DC whenever possible.  In my case it’s because there are certain places where I prefer NOT to drive.  Among them are Washington DC, the French Quarter in New Orleans and most of California.  I consider it powerful evidence that I do not have a death wish.  The Metro offers convenience, reliability, reasonable safety and is cost effective, so if I have the option, I’ll use it.

However, the hoopla over the Metro cars shows an interesting situation.  The stories pointed out that some Metro employees with cars included Metro police including their K-9 teams; if someone is threatening the commuter train, I think a rapid response is good.  Others were authorized cars that may be used by others during the day.  These same cars CAN be taken home by certain managers in the evening – but most do not routinely do so.  I’m guessing that if you have an early morning meeting out of town (i.e. beyond the train’s coverage) use a company car. 

These issues didn’t distress me, but got me to thinking.  Marketing convinces us to make a choice because we believe that it is in our best interest.  On the other hand, some people prefer to have the ability to demand that some people make a certain decision.  It’s the old honey vs. vinegar argument.  Use the Metro because it’s safe, convenient and inexpensive vs. take the Metro because we told you to and we took away most of the parking spots.

I prefer the illusion that a decision is mine.

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Posted in Business, Communications, Culture, Government, People, Philosophy, Politics, Solving Global Warming

Washington, DC

Posted on September 13, 2011 | Leave a comment

I’m in Washington, DC for a few days, and walking around and
riding the Metro got me thinking.

Washington is a strange and wonderful place, on one hand representing our nation and on the other hand being quite different from much of it.  My understanding, based on the word of a tour guide several years ago, is that land was donated by both Virginia and Maryland to become the nation’s capital.  It was seen as important to place the capital so that it would not belong to any particular one of the states.  The donated lands apparently did not qualify
as prime real estate, but instead was swamp land, according to this tour guide.  Ultimately the land donated by Maryland was returned to them, he claimed although I have not been able to independently confirm that.  He did not explain why that occurred.

Today Washington is a study in contrasts.  On one hand it is the seat of the federal government, but Washington DC license plates bear the comment “Taxation without Representation.”  Since it is not a state, it does not have senators or congressmen. The district is ultimately controlled by the US Congress although it has an elected mayor.  I cannot understand, and therefore will not attempt to explain the court system and how judges ascend to the bench.  As near as I can tell, the president appoints some/all judges and most court cases are handled as federal cases.

It has some of the most beautiful buildings and awe inspiring monuments, while some of the outlying streets are a study in potholes.  It is the home to various overnment agencies and public service organizations dedicated to helping the poor and the homeless, yet it is common to have to walk around street people who have claimed a portion of a particular sidewalk or the underside of a bridge as their address.  Government buildings are a study in security with access closely controlled, yet there are portions of DC in which I feel unsafe any time of the day or night.

It’s interesting that contrast seems endemic to the District of Columbia.  In the current congressional style of interaction it appears that everyone focuses on what is different rather than what they have in common. On the other hand, most of us outside the beltway tend to focus on what we have in common with one another.

Members of the same neighborhood focus on safety concerns and the schools they have in common even though they have different jobs and different backgrounds.  Members of a church focus on the beliefs they have in common as opposed to where they live or the type of work they do.  At work we may live in
different neighborhoods, cities or even states yet we focus on the work requirements we have in common rather than those things that differentiate us.

I realize that being elected to office is like any other marketing effort, and the key to marketing is differentiation.  It is how you get people to choose Coke over Pepsi, Ford over Chevy and Obama over McCain. However, in most human encounters, once people leave the parking lot their views may not change but their engagement does.  While they are no less passionate about the Boston Red Sox, they don’t let that get in the way of sitting next to and engaging effectively with an equally die-hard Yankees fan.

It makes you wonder if being in DC changes people.

Washington DC is a study in contrasts.

There’s a lesson in here somewhere….

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Posted in Uncategorized

9/11/2011

Posted on September 11, 2011 | Leave a comment

I really don’t know what to say about the various remembrances scheduled today. 

To each of us the experience was different.

The commemoration of a loss is somehow strange, and for all the promises to remember 9/11/2001 forever, we know that won’t happen.  I was in seventh grade when President Kennedy was assassinated on November 22, 1963.  For a decade or so there were commemorations, but those gradually faded becoming fewer and less obvious as time passed.  This coming November 22 you may still find a mention in the newspaper but it will probably be relatively subdued.

December 7, 1941 was called “a day that will live in infamy,” by President Franklin Delano Roosevelt, yet the attack on Pearl Harbor is not remembered any more vividly than the fall of the Alamo or the sinking of the U.S.S. Maine.  Even July 20, 1969 is a faded memory; in case you’ve forgotten, that was the day man first stepped on the moon.  History, no matter how significant is still in the past.  We cannot take the event forward into the future.  We can, however, take what we’ve learned and hopefully build on it.

By the time you read this there may be another attack.  There have been warnings about a possible car bomb in either Washington DC or New York.  Since our intelligence services have been the ones telling of the potential attacks, there’s a good chance that the perpetrators either will be caught or abandon or at least change their plans.

The key is that other people want what America has.  It’s not just the material advantages, but the fact that we are a people who are bound not by birth but by an ideal.  We have something to believe in that is both precious and powerful.  When people see themselves as part of something important that links others together, they have a power that others can only imagine.  If you haven’t lately, read the US Constitution – or at least the Bill of Rights.  It’s no wonder others want what we take for granted.

When Americans cried, “Remember the Alamo!” or “Remember the Maine!” they were not advising us to study history.  They used those incidents as a rallying cry to pull Americans together.  For us to put our own wants and desires behind the good of our nation.  For us to take on the responsibilities that go hand in hand with the rights we enjoy.

America is not perfect; anything that relies on human beings cannot be.  However, with all its warts and imperfections, it is better than any other human effort I’ve ever seen, heard or read about.  Each time we’ve been sucker punched we picked ourselves up, dusted ourselves off and taken on the challenge that faced us.  As we look back on 9/11/2001 that is the lesson that we have learned; now we need to carry it forward with renewed commitment.

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Posted in Culture, Government, the Terrorists and you

Open Channel D

Posted on September 8, 2011 | 1 Comment

My son Paul knows me – almost too well.  The upside of this is that he finds strange and wonderful things that show up on my birthday or Christmas.  For my birthday this year he got me the complete DVD collection of “The Man From U.N.C.L.E.” 

This was a popular television spy show from 1964 – 1968  my early teen years.  Napolean Solo (Robert Vaughn – now doing commercials for a law firm) was the sophisticated James Bond type.  Illya Kuriyakin (David McCallum – now playing Dr. Donald “Ducky” Mallard on N.C.I.S.) was the hip side kick.  It was camp, but not too camp – just right for that time period.  I had tried to explain the show to my wife, and found a reunion show, “Return of the Man From U.N.C.L.E.” at the library which she watched with me.  Reunion programs work best if you know the original premise.

Side note – in doing a little research for this, I found out that a movie version is coming out in 2012 – which probably explains why the television show is now available.  Hope they do it well….

I got thinking about the premise of the program and, as often happens, ended up with a question.  Why do we like stories like this?  It’s a common theme – “Man From U.N.C.L.E.,” “True Lies” or “Men in Black.”  They all have some super-secret organization that saves the world on a regular basis but doesn’t officially exist. Oh, and don’t forget “Mission Impossible” the television show, not the movies.  Not only the super–secret organization but the self-destructing message AND the coolest theme song ever (yes, including “Jaws.”)

What is the appeal?  I guess it’s because so much of this world fails to make sense or doesn’t fit with our desire to see some degree of logic and fairness.  If only somebody or something would make things fair.

I think there’s an intrinsic desire for this built into every one of us.  Many of us seek to satisfy that desire through our faith and spirituality.  There’s kind of a chicken and egg issue at work.  Do we seek fairness because we believe some higher power can provide this, or do we seek a higher power because we believe things should be fair.

I won’t proselytize.

Instead, I’ll merely say that there are some root issues with humans.  We know what a powerful feeling fear is – so we ride roller coasters.  We know powerful feeling love is – so we want that perfect soul mate.  We know that there is a benefit to fairness, so we enjoy Omega, MIB and U.N.C.L.E.

Besides – it’s fun.

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Posted in Culture, Philosophy

Jump the Shark

Posted on September 7, 2011 | Leave a comment

Here’s another example of planning to write one thing but ending up writing about something entirely differently.  I somehow thought of the expression “Jump the Shark” which has come to mean that the peak has been reached and it’s all downhill from here.  It refers to an episode of the television show “Happy Days” in which Fonzie (Henry Winkler) wearing swim trunks, his trademark leather jacket and water skis jumps over a caged shark.

I wanted to ponder the poor writer who wrote that episode;  I was sure he was grateful to be unknown or at least forgotten.  He killed one of the most popular shows on television. A show that was practically based on George Lucas movie, “American Graffiti!”

I made the mistake of doing a little research.  It turns out that Fred Foxx, Jr. wrote the episode which was shown on September 20, 1977.  Rather than heralding the end of the series, “Happy Days” continued for nearly seven more years.

How many television programs would kill for a seven year total run?

It got me thinking as to how many other things we’re sure we know.  How many things we know we just can’t live without.  How many people we think we’d trade places with.  The car we’d die for.  Whatever. 

“Jumping the shark” is a great sound bite.  Sometimes in order to capitalize on the sound bite you have to change the reality to fit it. 

I think I prefer to understand what the reality is before I accept the sound bite.

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Posted in Actor, Culture

Chaz

Posted on September 4, 2011 | Leave a comment

Short blog today.

Chaz Bono. 

If she weren’t hadn’t been Sonny & Cher’s daughter would this be in the news?

Didn’t think so.

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Posted in Uncategorized

An Interview with God

Posted on September 3, 2011 | Leave a comment

Bloggers take great pride in interviewing famous personages.  I’ve decided that I’m going to go right to the very top and interview God.  Obviously, no further introduction is necessary.

“May I call you ‘God’?”

“God” is fine.  So is “Lord.”  Many years ago I gave my proper name to Moses, but I told him to only let it be used on special occasions.  I like to have my name treated with respect.  “God” is fine.

“I don’t know where to begin…”

Given that I had no beginning, that’s understandable.

“Most of what we know about you comes from the Bible.  Is that actually your word?”

Let’s just call it “The Book.”  Some of my children call it “the Talmud” and since they have always been my chosen people, I want to make sure they feel included as well.

In any case, I didn’t actually write it myself.  I’ve got people to do that.  I inspired them and they wrote it.  All in all, they did a pretty good job, although not perfect.  The problem is that I’m perfect but people are not, so it sometimes loses something in the translation.  Here’s a way you might understand.  Say your wife wanted to have the kitchen remodeled and you hire a contractor and the appropriate craftsmen.  Your wife explains exactly what she wants it to look like in great detail.  They take a lot of time doing the work and when it’s done it’s beautiful.  But it’s never exactly as your wife imagined it.  It’s kind of the same thing.

“What about creation?  Is the Bible’s record of creation accurate?”

The Book; The Book!  The Book is not a stockholders’ report.  No one is in a position to tell Me that I have to explain how I created the universe.  I did it?  Me! Without help!  If I may say so it was the greatest do-it-yourself project ever imagined.

Now look at it from my perspective.  You can’t figure out how to use all the features on your smart phone.  Your kids can’t figure out how to load a dishwasher, but you think that you could understand how I created the universe?  I hardly think so. 

I created it.  All of it.  That’s what you need to know and that’s the message that The Book gives.  However if a large part of Genesis were reduced to “God created everything” it would not only make for a much shorter book but a far less interesting one.  Back when people weren’t in such a hurry they liked to hear a story, not just sound bites.  Tell your news people –“Here are the sound bites from God.  ‘I created it. All of it. It’s mine.’”

“The Book speaks of many prophets who came in your name.  How did you see them from your perspective?”

Many times when I’ve tried to talk with people they panic and don’t hear a word that I say.  Some fall over dead from the mere sight of me so I had to find people to carry my message. 

I liked Moses; he’d come up on the mountain and we could just talk.  Think about the divine version of sitting down with an old and trusted friend over a couple of cold beers.  We could chat.  That was good.

“What did you chat about?”

I had a lot of instructions I had to give him, of course, but since our personal conversations were personal, I’m not going to rat out my friend.  If you interview Moses, maybe he’ll tell you.  I can tell you one thing, though.  He was always asking why I waited until he was 85 years old, settled with his wife and family happily herding goats before I tagged him to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.  Finally I gave him the best version of an answer that he could comprehend.  “Moses,” I asked, “Do you have a sense of humor?”  Naturally he answered that he did.  “And were you created in my image and likeness?”  It was an “Ah ha” moment for him.

“How about the others?”

There were, are and will be many messengers that I send.  David was a hoot.  It was awesome to see such an underdog take out Goliath.  Don’t forget that it wasn’t the stone that killed Goliath, that merely put him down; David took Goliath’s own sword and removed Goliath’s head.  That was when everyone watching got it.  Goliath’s sword was as big as he was.  Great kid, David.  His dancing before the Ark of the Covenant pleased me far more than it irritated his wife.  I think he knew that.  If he only could have kept his urges under control. 

Jonah was a piece of work; My work, but a piece of work nevertheless.  Then of course there was Elijah – talk about the hardest working man in the world – he truly was.  Great guy; one of my better creations, if I do say so myself.

“And Jesus?”

You humans talk about your kids being a part of you.  In my universe my Son is even more than a part of me.  As He said, He and I are one.  You’ll understand creation long before you understand the Trinity, so don’t even try.  At best you’ll get a headache. 

I sent Jesus to pay off the debt you all have run up through sin.  You think your Congress spends a lot of money.  If sin was money, Congress spends loose change.  They’re not even into the petty cash yet. When we talk about humans and sin we’re talking imperfection raised to perfection.  There was only one way to deal with it and that was to do something so cataclysmically wonderful to offset everything evil your species had done or would do.  You have no idea how much He loves you or even as I sit here, how much I love you. 

The part that’s frustrating is that He taught many good lessons.  Even if someone is not a Christian, it’s worthwhile to listen to him.  I made that clear while He was on earth, ‘This is my Son in whom I am pleased, listen to Him!’  It’s as true today as it was then.

“Love God above all things and your neighbor as yourself.  If someone asks for your coat, give him your cloak as well.  Feed the hungry.  Love one another as I have loved you.  Forgive your brother.”  You can’t find fault with any of those because there is no fault.

“I hate to say this…”

I know, you have to go.  What kind of God would I be if I didn’t know these things?  I know what you need and look out for you.  That includes knowing even that.  Let me leave you with one last thought.

A few years ago they were putting up stark black and white billboards that said such things as, “That bit about loving your neighbor – I meant that.  – God.”  That was good and it’s an important message.  I’ve told you what you need to do.  My son came down here personally and explained it carefully and even used stories to help you remember.  I’ve laid it all out for you.

I’m here.  Feel free to talk with me.  I may not have much to say because I’ve already told you everything you need to know.  They all are part of one message, and that is that I love you.

 

 

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Posted in Celebrity, Culture, Humor, Philosophy, Religion

A Public Service Announcement

Posted on September 2, 2011 | 3 Comments

Have you ever worked in a shipyard?  Been a sailor?  You could have mesothelioma.  You may be entitled to compensation.

How about any prescription drugs?  Have you ever taken a prescription drug?  All drugs have side effects.  You may be entitled to compensation.

Maybe you’ve been in a car accident or a bike accident or maybe had an accident while wearing training pants.  Maybe you’ve seen an accident or read about one in the newspaper.  Our legal system is here to protect your rights.

Have you seen ads like these on television?  Have you wondered what is driving these expensive and often unpleasant television commercials? 

Every year thousands of new lawyers graduate law school and pass the bar.  It’s not their fault.  These young men and women were raised on syndicated reruns of Perry Mason and LA Law.  They think William Shatner and James Spader are role models.

While it’s true that we desperately need more doctors, nurses, honest businessmen and engineers, the educational system cannot produce those.  To make up for this shortfall colleges and universities are producing lawyers as fast as possible.  It is now common to find lawyers working in hospitals, and they aren’t taking care of patients.  It’s only a matter of time before you too find a lawyer siting in the cubicle next to yours.  Scott Adams may be forced to include more lawyers in both the weekly and the Sunday “Dilbert” comic strips.

Only you can help.  If you can, file a lawsuit today.  I realize not everyone can afford to file an individual lawsuit in today’s economy, so at least join a class action lawsuit.  Any help you can give is appreciated.

Remember, if you don’t act today to keep these lawyers busy, more of them are going to enter national politics.  The presidency and the entire federal court system are now 100% lawyers.  Congress is rapidly heading in that direction.  Act now – the future is in your hands.

hands.

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Posted in Culture, Government, Humor

I Agree with Einstein

Posted on September 1, 2011 | Leave a comment

I was looking for as quotation online; supposedly Albert Einstein said, “The smallest scrap of paper is greater than the greatest mind.” Naturally I Googled variations on “Albert Einstein quotations.” I was going to blog about how – to a writer a blank piece of paper can be intimidating if not downright terrorizing as a deadline looms. 

I could not find that particular quote (by anyone) but instead, I found two other Einstein quotes.

“Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile.”

“Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value.”

When we think of Einstein, naturally we think of “E=Mc2,” the oversized sweater, unruly hair and moustache, and of course the archetypical photograph of him sticking out his tongue.  We think of a physics and mathematical genius. 

After reading these two quotes, I am more convinced of his genius than ever.

Imagine the one finite object that you would want to own more than anything else; the pearl of great price, if you will.  Maybe it’s the handmade Italian sports car, or a yacht or a particular piece of jewelry.  Maybe it’s a Stradivarius violin, your own Superbowl ring or the pony you’ve wanted since you were six years old.  Now imagine that you are granted that item, with only one stipulation – you can never let anyone else know.  No one else can see it and you cannot mention it to anyone, ever, under any circumstances.

Not much fun, is it?

As humans the only benefit we enjoy from a thing is the ability to share it with others.  We share the thing itself. We share the knowledge of what we have without necessarily sharing the thing itself – sometimes bad (“I’ve got one and you don’t!”) sometimes wonderful (“We’ve got a new baby!”)

 “Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value.”

Einstein, genius that he was realized that true sharing is what this life is all about.  Being of value means sharing what you have to make the world just a little bit better in some way.  You don’t have to cure cancer to be of value (although if you have that ability, please continue.)  For most of us it means being the person who treats others with respect, even when you disagree with them.  The retail clerk during the Christmas rush, the ticket counter person at the airport and even the meter maid.  Oh, and that includes “Bob”, the technical support representative on the phone with the foreign accent who isn’t exactly helping you figure out what to do after your new computer died.

With Hurricane Irene now fading into memory (how soon we forget) there are thousands, if not millions who recently were of value.  They put on the Red Cross and handed out meals at a shelter or maybe just checked on a neighbor.  They helped a stranded motorist or brought their chain saw over to help get the fallen tree out of the way.  They did better than success, they provided value.

“Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile.”

Those of us who are ( )Buddhists; ( )Christians; ( ) Hindus ( )Jews; ( )Muslims easily see the importance of the message, but are we any better at carrying it out?  [Don’t try to read anything in – they’re in alphabetical order.]  We should live for others and we can; we just need to choose to.

So, Professor Einstein, I may not have the math to fully appreciate your equations, but I do have the ability to fully comprehend these two postulates, and you’ll be happy to know that I find your logic sound, and concur with your conclusions. 

Now all I need to do is put the theory into practice.

 

 

 

 

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Posted in Philosophy