Monthly Archives: May 2012

I Am an Immigrant.

Posted on May 30, 2012 | 1 Comment

I hope you get this letter and it means something to you.

I wanted very much to come to America. America is unique because it is not based on who you are, but on what you believe. The Constitution is what I believe. I read it as part of my citizenship studies. I have read it several times since then. I hope you read it, too.

To me America means opportunity. Not a guarantee but a chance. A chance to do better for my family. I came here to earn enough to support my family and see to it that my children are educated.

I don’t speak English very well, in fact I needed help to write this letter. I try, but I keep thinking in my native tongue. I’ll keep trying.

My children, though, they speak English very well. I think it would be nice if they could speak both languages. Maybe use the old language at home, but they aren’t interested. However, I know that English is more important because that’s what all their friends speak. It’s what they need for school and later for work.

There are some things I miss about my old home, but I made the choice to come here. I think of myself as an American, not as belonging to any other country.

I am writing this letter to the future generations of my family, hoping that generations will read it. I ask that each generation pass it along. You probably know from which land I came, but it’s not important. It does not matter if I came to Jamestown with the first settlers from England, to California from Asia or with the Irish, or Germans or Polish through Ellis Island.

Treasure what you have in this country. I went through a lot to get here so that you would have opportunities. Opportunities that are available only to Americans.

 

 

→ 1 Comment

Posted in Culture, Immigration, Philosophy

I’m Glad I’m Not an Extraterrestrial

Posted on May 30, 2012 | Leave a comment

Some people are fascinated by the potential of alien life forms. There are the mysteries surrounding Area 51 where some people believe UFOs and aliens are studied. There’s SETI – the radio astronomy Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence. With so many stars and incalculable planets, the odds are in favor of there being someone else out there.

So why haven’t they made contact?

Imagine an alien who has discovered signs of life on Earth and is debating whether to make contact. He begins to monitor television, radio and the internet. What would he find?

  • Slaughter in Syria
  • Political bickering in America
  • Disease rampant throughout the planet (remember, he only sees what is in the media)
  • A populace dependent upon pharmaceuticals for every bodily function
  • Rampant murder (both from the news and entertainment television)
  • A veritable ring of trash from obsolete satellites orbiting the planet

I think any reasonable alien would decide that he had stumbled into a bad neighborhood, check to make sure his doors were securely locked and then make a 180 degree turn so as to head immediately for home.

It’s too bad, really, because he’d never see:

  • Kids who study hard, make good grades and have other outside interests
  • Parents and grandparents who make time for those kids
  • People who serve others whether in medicine, the clergy, social work, etc.
  • Mentors who help the younger workers understand how things really work
  • Volunteers doing everything from handing out food, assisting in a disaster or just helping at a community special event
  • A million other good things

Maybe from time to time we should turn off the television and the computer and just enjoy – nay, revel in a few of these minor, yet very real, miracles.

And if you do something good for somebody today, thank you.

 

 

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Communications, Culture, Future, Philosophy, Space

Proverbs – Nonsense Disguised as Wisdom

Posted on May 29, 2012 | 2 Comments

Proverbs of various types are little snippets that purport to convey great wisdom. Unfortunately life is full of complex problems and a statement of less than a dozen words can be expected to fail miserably. However, each generation teaches these to their young, thereby perpetuating the practice. Worse, if you think about many of them they make no sense whatsoever. Part of this is because of their age. They are as meaningful to modern people as saying “Hit Control, Alt, Delete” to someone in the 12th century.

“It warms the cockles of my heart.” – After many years in the healthcare industry, I’ve yet to find anyone who can show me, or even identify a cardiac cockle.

“A penny saved is a penny earned.” – First off, a penny hasn’t been worth anything in quite a while – the government keeps trying to find a way to stop minting them. Secondly, if it’s earned, does this mean we have to pay income tax on it? Hardly an incentive.

“Being at death’s door.” – We use this expression to indicate someone is seriously ill. For less serious illnesses, shouldn’t we say something like, “Sitting on the front porch of the house up the street from Death?”

“There’s more than one way to skin a cat.” – Ewww. Not to mention you could get thirty years in prison.

“The exception that proves the rule.” – This is wrong on so many levels it isn’t even funny.

“A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.” – With the exception of my parrot, Alex, I prefer that birds stay in the trees and bushes where they belong.

“A friend in need is a friend indeed.” – Seems to me a friend who shows up with cold beer and hot pizza would be a better candidate than one always asking for something.

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Perhaps once upon a time, but in these days of instant gratification it is more likely to lead to a breakup.

“You can’t tell a book by its cover.” – The why do publishers spend all that money on cover art; If it’s got a muscular man with no shirt – it’s a romance novel. If it’s got long shadows it’s a mystery. And if all else fails, read the title “Freshman Physics” is a dead giveaway.

And finally,

“Nothing succeeds like success.” – And nothing fails like failure. Nothing is more sugary than sugar. Nothing is saltier than salt. Etc.

 

→ 2 Comments

Posted in Culture, Philosophy, Writing

Memorial Day Thoughts

Posted on May 28, 2012 | Leave a comment

I read the other day that only 10% of Americans have served in the armed forces. If that is true, I thought I’d share a few thoughts to give you the flavor based on my own time in theater.

I was a loggie – a logistics type, not anything like what you see in the movies or video games. I did one tour – less than a year – not four or five like many service members do. My people unloaded and reloaded the materiel from ships in Kuwait; they inspected what was going back stateside to make sure no bad bugs would hitch hike with the equipment. They manned the border crossing between Iraq & Kuwait. Some were trainers in Iraq or Afghanistan.

However, since my people were spread all over, although “home” was in Kuwait I spent nearly half my time in Iraq & Afghanistan. We were proud of the fact that we had no deaths or serious injuries with over one thousand sailors “boots on the ground.” Other units stationed with us were not so lucky.

Here are some trivia items:

  1. While I grew up seeing the guns, medals, and other artifacts that my father’s generation brought home from World War II, there were no “trophies” allowed.
  2. General Order 1 prohibited alcohol and sexual contact while deployed. By the letter of the law this included married couples – not unheard of, especially in National Guard Units. Many Guard units are family affairs with parents and children serving, basically to be there in case of a disaster. Magazines such as “Playboy” were banned, and a provocative photo from a spouse or significant other could land a service member in a lot of trouble.
  3. I tried to order a guitar while deployed, but the Army and Air Force Exchange system wouldn’t deliver to APO or FPO addresses – the way deployed personnel receive mail. This was even though providing for deployed service members was the very reason the exchange system was set up.
  4. In order to save shipping costs, the small exchanges they set up in theater used “pogs” instead of coins to make change. These were cardboard discs the same size of the coin they represented. Coins are heavy and costly to ship – pogs are cheap. An added benefit is that many pogs never got redeemed; teachers back home found that kids loved to receive as a reward.
  5. The menu was the same at all the base “DEFACs” (Dining Facilities). When you first got there you thought the food was pretty good. After going through the same menu 3 or 4 times (about 3 or 4 weeks later) your opinion changed.
  6. With temperatures well above 100 degree Fahrenheit (we hit 140+ regularly), you were constantly drinking. T-shirts were marked by the salt that leeches out of the body. Gatorade was in high demand. Bottles of Gatorade stopped showing up, and a lot of folks wanted to know what was going on. A general pointed out that sending bottles of Gatorade increased the size of supply convoys and people were getting killed driving truckloads of Gatorade. Nobody brought it up again.
  7. One of the kids (I can say that because he was just over a third of my age) that was lost had a remarkable tribute at his memorial service. A buddy composed a rap that was as touching and poignant as any poem I’ve ever read or heard.
  8. Memorial services were held in the chapel, which was also a “theatre” for training or other large meeting events. On the floor under the seats service members would set their M-16 rifles – intermixed with the boxes of Kleenex that were set out by the chapel staff.
  9. Adults always worry about how the next generations will do in carrying this country forward. After serving with those young men and women, I can assure you that the country will be in very good hands.

Be grateful for our Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, Marines, Coast Guard and National Guard.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Holidays, Military, People

How Would Jesus Vote?

Posted on May 25, 2012 | 1 Comment

I saw a headline recently referring to a pastor in North Carolina who recommended an electrified fence in order to keep homosexuals contained. I confess I didn’t bother to read the article.

However, it got me thinking. Everyone wants Jesus to be on their side for various political issues. In fact, it seems that people either explicitly or implicitly claim that not only does Jesus side with their political viewpoint, but abhors their opponents’ viewpoint. Maybe we need to resurrect the old “What Would Jesus Do (WWJD)?” with “How Would Jesus Vote (HWJV)?* Here are some issues and what Jesus had to say about them. Please note – I’m only quoting Jesus. The letters (Epistles) from Paul, Peter, John, etc. while inspiring and divinely inspired are still the words of others.

Government Authority – Jesus answered [Pilate], “You would have no power over me if it had not been given to you from above”. John 19:11 Although Pilate was appointed to his post by the Roman government and ultimately Caesar, Jesus is pointing out that any power he has is actually part of God’s will. Government has a place, but that place is dictated by God.

Taxes – And Jesus said to them, “Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and to God the things that are God’s.” And they were amazed at Him.
Mark 12:17 Obviously He advised them to pay what was right and just. I’m not surprised that He didn’t mention loopholes, off-shore earnings, purchase-leasebacks, depreciation or anything like that.

Capital Punishment, Euthanasia, Abortion, Etc. – {25} Jesus told her, “I am the resurrection and the life; whoever believes in me, even if he dies, will live, {26} and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?” John 11: 25, 26 Jesus told this to Mary Magdalene when He came after Lazarus death. Of course, Jesus had delayed his trip so that instead of healing Lazarus while still alive, He would instead raise him from the dead. When Jesus approached Lazarus tomb, He had an interesting reaction. So Jesus, perturbed again, came to the tomb. John 11:38 There are various translations, such as ‘He snorted’ as though the smell of death offended him. Some believe that it was not decomposition but the very presence of death that perturbed Jesus. After all, death was the enemy – the reason He came to earth was to save us from death. As such, it can be argued that He would find it hard to tolerate death in any form.

Gays, Lesbians, Etc. – (Sorry – no quote available)

Crime and Punishment – {3}The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group {4} and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. {5} In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” {6} They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him. But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. {7} When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” {8} Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground. {9} At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. {10} Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” {11} “No one, sir,” she said. “Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” John 8:3-11 It would seem that Jesus was far more interested in rehabilitation than punishment. The law and scripture were quite clear that those who engaged in adultery were to be executed by stoning. Of course this raises the question – if she was caught in the act, wouldn’t there have been another person involved – a male? Why did he get to sneak out under the radar?

Oh, and haven’t you always wondered what it was that Jesus was writing in the dirt?

Workers – The laborer deserves his keep.
Matthew 10: 10. In many ways Jesus taught about the value of honest work; His own example of being born into a working class family and the logical presumption that He worked as a carpenter before taking on His ministry. He spoke of workers in the field and in the vineyard. He told soldiers to be content with their pay.

Business – {14} “It will be as when a man who was going on a journey called in his servants and entrusted his possessions to them. {15} To one he gave five talents; to another, two; to a third, one – to each according to his ability. Then he went away. Immediately {16} the one who received five talents went and traded with them, and made another five. {17} Likewise, the one who received two made another two. {18} But the man who received one went off and dug a hole in the ground and buried his master’s money. {19} After a long time the master of those servants came back and settled accounts with them. {20} The one who had received five talents came forward bringing the additional five. He said, ‘Master, you gave me five talents. See, I have made five more.’ {21} His master said to him, ‘Well done, my good and faithful servant. Since you were faithful in small matters, I will give you great responsibilities. Come, share your master’s joy.’ {22} (Then) the one who had received two talents also came forward and said, ‘Master, you gave me two talents. See, I have made two more.’ {23} His master said to him, ‘Well done, my good and faithful servant. Since you were faithful in small matters, I will give you great responsibilities. Come, share your master’s joy.’ {24} Then the one who had received the one talent came forward and said, ‘Master, I knew you were a demanding person, harvesting where you did not plant and gathering where you did not scatter; {25} so out of fear I went off and buried your talent in the ground. Here it is back.’ {26} His master said to him in reply, ‘You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I did not plant and gather where I did not scatter? {27} Should you not then have put my money in the bank so that I could have got it back with interest on my return? {28} Now then! Take the talent from him and give it to the one with ten. {29} For to everyone who has, more will be given and he will grow rich; but from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away. {30} And throw this useless servant into the darkness outside, where there will be wailing and grinding of teeth.’ Matthew 25: 14-30 Wow! While this speaks to any gift or talent we have, using this particular parable seems to show that even those whose talent is making money are expected to use it. However, note that they invested on behalf of the master, not on their own behalf.

So where does that leave us? Would Jesus vote as a Democrat? A Republican? An independent? A liberal? A conservative?

Sorry – I don’t think anyone gets to claim Him.

Fortunately, we also are taught. {10} While he was at table in his house, many tax collectors and sinners came and sat with Jesus and his disciples. {11} The Pharisees saw this and said to his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?” {12} He heard this and said, “Those who are well do not need a physician, but the sick do. {13} Go and learn the meaning of the words, ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ I did not come to call the righteous but sinners.” Matthew 9: 10-13

 

 


 

→ 1 Comment

Posted in Culture, Government, Philosophy, Religion

Sir Who?

Posted on May 23, 2012 | Leave a comment

America did away with titles of nobility from its very start. Calls to crown George Washington king didn’t meet with much support – especially from Mr. Washington himself. In like manner, titles like duke, earl and such were not imported from our continental kin.

Having said that, Americans have had a particular fascination for all things royal. The marriage of Charles and Diana created a sensation in America followed by a similar fascination with their divorce. Diana’s death titillated conspiracy theorists who had been denied anything interesting since President Kennedy’s assassination. And the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton had royal watchers in a swoon.

Most great tales include kings (both the wonderful and the evil type), beautiful princesses and brave knights renowned for their great deeds. It’s easy to envision the brave squire perhaps still in his battle damaged armor kneeling before the monarch who lays the flat of the sword blade on each shoulder;

“In the name of God and St. Michael and St. George, I dub thee knight; be brave and loyal.”

It’s a stirring image. You had King Henry VIII, Admiral Lord Nelson, Sir Henry Morgan – knighted pirate of the Caribbean and even Sir Edmund Hillary who was the first to conquer Mount Everest.

But, alas, today the criteria for knighthood have slipped a little. I mean, I love Paul McCartney’s music – excuse me, I mean Sir Paul. Then, of course you have Sir Elton John, Sir Mick Jagger and Sir Ian McKellen – the fine actor who played Gandalf the Grey in the Lord of the Rings.

I noticed that added to the rolls is Jonathan Ive, who was made a Knight Commander, Order of the British Empire (KBE). No dragon slayer, he, nor one to rescue a damsel in distress. His great deeds include the external design of many of Apple’s products including the iPod and iPhone.

I can hear it now,

“This is like so AWESOME! I dub thee knight, dude!”

Perhaps it’s just as well that America decided not to include such titles and stations in our culture.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Celebrity, Communications, Culture, History, Immigration, People, Philosophy

Dr. House As a Way to Explain American Politics

Posted on May 23, 2012 | Leave a comment

If you were a House, MD fan, you probably watched the series finale this week. Having worked in healthcare for over 30 years, I admit I did see some personality traits with which I have been familiar. However, that’s not my point.

Imagine, if you will, politicians with the personality of Gregory House, MD. Congressional debates might sound something like this:

“I want to propose this bill.”

“You’re a moron!”

“You’re trying to tax and spend!”

“You’re giving everything to the rich!”

“You’re stupid.”

“You’re lying!”

“Everybody lies. You’re a moron!”

“Oh yeah? You’re not very interesting!”

“That’s because you’re a moron!”

Thank goodness our politicians don’t act that way. If they did we’d never get anything done.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in People, Philosophy, Politics

Odd Couplings

Posted on May 22, 2012 | 1 Comment

During the First Gulf War I was a mobilized reservist assigned to a command staff near Williamsburg, VA. Banking wasn’t as advanced as it is today; back then it took years to lose billions of dollars and you needed a local bank for cashing checks. A local grocery store, “Farm Fresh” had a bank located inside – quite avant garde for 1990. We referred to it as “First Federal Farm Fresh,” since it was one stop for banking, bread and beer.

Today, many stores have bank branches located inside. Almost every convenience store has an ATM. Quickly combining things became commonplace. This got me thinking – what kind of businesses, if combined wouldn’t become common?

First National Math Tutor and Lottery Tickets

Honest Ernie’s Emergency Medical Care and Motorcycle Sales
(You’d be surprised at how many people suddenly have an urge to sell their motorcycles while undergoing debridement in the ER.)

Frank’s Wedding Planner and Shotgun Sales (In deference to Martin Short – pronounced FRONK)

Johnson, Smith, Weber, Copernicus and Schwartz, Divorce Lawyer/Speed Dating Service

Lazarus’ Health Food Store/ Tobacco Shop

Sir Billybob, OBE Used Doublewide Rental/Charm School

Ol’ Smoky’s Crematorium and Barbecue Grill Sales

→ 1 Comment

Posted in Business, Culture, Humor, People, Philosophy

Countdown

Posted on May 21, 2012 | 4 Comments

School is almost out for the summer. The schools in the Hampton Roads area of Virginia continue until mid-June because they don’t start school until after Labor Day. With Virginia Beach, Williamsburg, Busch Gardens, etc. the area has a vacation destination mentality. How could we live without the high school kids working those minimum wage summer jobs? (However they sure beat the summer jobs I had as a kid!)

So kids are counting down the days.

We working parents are continuing on, fat, dumb and happy. It’s not a big change for us. However at home parents are in a panic, madly searching for camps, activities or other evolutions. No sane person, regardless of how much they love their children, wants to be trapped in a house with their progeny for two or three months non-stop. Listening to….

“I’m bored!”

“There’s nothing to do!”

“All my friends are (a) at the mall; (b) at the beach; (c) in Paris.”

“We never get to do anything!”

“Take me to (a) the mall; (b) the beach; (c) Paris.”

(Repeat the above every ten minutes for 2 months.)

I believe that school football teams and bands start practicing in the middle of summer out of a sense of mercy for parents. Either that or a parent managed to get a member of the school board in a dark alley sometime about the end of June and issue an ultimatum.

So as we approach the Memorial Day weekend, brace yourself for the inevitable.

 

I understand why some species eat their young. I don’t understand why we all don’t.

 

→ 4 Comments

Posted in Culture, Education, Family, Holidays, People

One More Query

Posted on May 20, 2012 | Leave a comment

To all parents – which is worse…

  1. When your kids turn out the way you raised them
  2. When your kids DON’T turn out the way you raised them

Being a parent is proof positive that we don’t have the answers.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Uncategorized

I Wonder

Posted on May 19, 2012 | Leave a comment

Just a few of life’s mysteries to for you to ponder in your spare time.

  • Why do we tolerate cable companies’ practice of providing a bargain price “For twelve months” after which they take us to the cleaners?
  • Why does Heinz Catsup (Ketchup or whatever [tomato sauce in New Zealand]) label their 18 ounce bottle with

50% More*

*Than our 12 ounce bottle?

  • Why do we want to share yucky things? In chemistry class, waving a test tube under a colleague’s nose saying, “Doesn’t this smell horrible?” or in Biology class pointing out something with “Ewww! Isn’t this gross?”
  • Why are there lots of articles encouraging men to share cooking, cleaning and childcare with their wives but none encouraging women to join their husbands replacing the wax ring under a toilet or fixing the roof?
  • Why do they keep changing the way they teach school subjects? Just when you think you can help you kids with their homework – it turns out you can’t!

 

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Culture, Humor, People, Philosophy

Is There a Sucker Born Every Minute?

Posted on May 16, 2012 | Leave a comment

During the Industrial Revolution we began to make things on a large scale. Instead of each item being handmade and unique, items could be mass produced. This resulted in two major advantages. The cost for each pot, pan, lantern or rifle was lower. Also, for more complex items, such as a rifle, parts were standardized making manufacture and repair easier. Without these attributes, for good or for ill, we would not all have cars, appliances or such.

Manufacturing brought jobs (Yay!) although many of the jobs were low paying, hard and in some cases pay was in scrip that could only be spent in the company store (Boo!). This brought about unions ([Insert your emotion here]). However, when the United States was attacked by Japan in 1941, America’s industrial base converted virtually overnight to war production. Underwood Typewriters manufactured M-1 carbines. Automakers produced tanks and jeeps. We cranked out planes, ships and weapons at an unprecedented pace, contributing to our success and the success of a number of our allies.

After the war, the manufacturing facilities turned to cars, radios, televisions and the other civilized products that both our troops abroad and those who manned the jobs at home desired. Life was pretty-not-too-bad (apologies to Sylvester Stallone.) Then we got smart and sophisticated.

We shifted to a society that valued feelings and beliefs. Marketing taught us that you could “Promise her anything, but give her Arpege.” You no longer could be satisfied with just sunglasses to protect your eyes, you needed Foster Grants. The brand became more important than the product itself. Car, beer and cigarette loyalties were intense. Chic retailers began to use distinctive packaging so that on your way home everyone would know you’d been to Macy’s or Nieman-Marcus. Eventually we got to the point that we put the brand logo on the outside of the product so you could demonstrate to everyone you were every time you wore or used the product.

Somewhere the focus shifted from items you could make, sell, hold and use to ethereal products. There had always been services, of course, but the wholesale shift to the service industries allowed a subtle but relentless shift. Doctors and hospitals became the healthcare industry which now accounts for about 16% of the Gross Domestic Product. Education moved from public and private universities to for-profit corporations, some of which are diploma mills. States got involved with the greatest marketing product of all time – state lotteries; the product is a fantasy. From the moment you buy the ticket until the moment you compare the numbers you have the fantasy that you might become extremely wealthy.

Products could be exported and sold overseas. Services – not so much. In fact, once we exported the manufacturing jobs to places that could do the same work more cheaply, companies realized they could do the same with service jobs, only faster and cheaper.

Why does this interest me today?

I’ve been following the Facebook Initial Public Offering (IPO) discussions. Here is a non-product and virtually a non-service. Expectations are that people will be willing to pay about 55 times what the company is expected to earn – the Price to Earnings (P/E) ratio. This basically means that at current conditions, it would take 55 years for investors to recoup their investment – an oversimplification, but you get the picture.

If Seinfeld was “a show about nothing,” is this the business equivalent?

Apple, which has more money than just about anybody and products people wait in line to buy has about a 15 to 1 P/E ratio.

So – if you’re an investor who is buying Facebook stock, please give me a call so we can discuss:

1. Some highly desirable swampland in Florida from me.

2. My cousin, the Nigerian prince who needs help with his banking.

3. My new software company, “Vaporware.”

4. And of course, a once in a lifetime chance to buy the Brooklyn Bridge.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Business, Culture, People

Just a Day at the Investment Bank

Posted on May 15, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Uh, Boss. I’ve got a little problem.”

“Sure, John, what is it?”

“Well, I was doing one of those investment things, you know, and well…”

“It’s okay, John, go on.”

“Well I sort of lost $2 Billion dollars.”

“And just how did you manage to do that?”

“Well it was a hedge fund, and I invested in it, but it turned out all wrong.”

“John, do you know how hedge funds work?”

“Well, I read everything I could find about them and thought I had it figured out, but I guess not. So honestly, I have to say I don’t know how hedge funds work.”

“Well, let that be a lesson to you, John. No one knows how hedge funds work. It’s kind of like television. It’s sort of like magic.”

“So, what should I do?”

“Well, basically nothing. We all make mistakes.”

“But Two Billion Dollars! Isn’t that like a huge mistake?”

“Well, of course it is. But that’s how we learn – from our mistakes. Besides, it’s not your money or my money. It’s the investors’ money. If they can afford to invest in this lousy economy they have plenty more where that came from.”

“Am I going to get fired or something?”

“Of course not! Someone who’s already got their retirement papers in will publicly take the blame and retire and enjoy life for a change. Probably end up on half a dozen corporate boards of directors. You have nothing to worry about.”

“Well I guess I feel better and worse all at the same time.”

“John, lighten up. It’s only money – other people’s money. Now c’mon I’ll take you to a fancy restaurantto take your mind off the problem.”

“Wow! Really?”

“Of course. And the best part is since we’ve been talking business, I can charge it to my corporate expense account!

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Business, People, Philosophy

ALCLU Files Suit on Behalf of PTBAP

Posted on May 14, 2012 | 1 Comment

The American Ludicrous Civil Lawsuit Union is a well-known advocate for the rights of the little guy. Recently, they filed a suit on behalf of “People for Treating Animals better than People” in protest of animal names being used by professional and amateur sports teams. When I contacted PTBAP, I was told that they would only comment through their representative at the ALCLU. So with trusty notebook in hand, I interviewed Attorney J. Waldo Summers, who is handling the case.

“Mr. Summers, why did the ALCLU decide to take this case on behalf of PTBAP?”

“As you may know, the ALCLU sees the American legal system as one large playground. Anyone can understand the need for a murder trial or a divorce hearing. Only we professionals appreciate how much fun is to be had by filing lawsuits, just because we can.”

“I find that hard to believe, sir. I would think that you’d want to reserve our court system for important legal questions.”

“Don’t be absurd! Look, I’m wearing a $3,000 suit AND a power necktie. I drive a Lexus. Not to mention that I always use paper that’s 3 inches longer than normal paper. Of course I’m going to file lawsuits!”

“Well that’s certainly one point of view. Let’s talk about this particular case – shall we? The PTBAP is trying to halt the use of animals as team mascots. What is the legal view on this question?”

“First, it’s a legal opinion. We lawyers always have opinions, not views. Second, I love trying to pronounce ‘PTBAP.’ If you say it as a word, it sounds just like a whoopee cushion. And lastly, PTBAP (uncontrollable giggle) believes that animals are people, too.”

“I must say that your position sounds contradictory. How can animals be people?”

“Now if you were a lawyer like me, you’d know that the United States Supreme Court has ruled that corporations have rights just like people. If corporations are people, certainly kittens and bunnies have every right to be people too.”

“Well, they’re certainly cuter. However, even if they are people, why should they object to having sports teams named after them?”

“Some American Indians didn’t like sports teams being named after them, so they protested. This is pretty much the same thing. Of course the Florida Seminoles don’t mind, but they’re getting paid for the use of their name. Now if the sports teams want to negotiate with PTBAP (giggle) I’m sure we could reach an agreement.”

“But what if sports teams don’t want to pay to be called the Broncos or the Tigers?”

“Obviously, then we have a problem and PB– sorry, the last time I tried to pronounce it I think I pulled something – my client wants them to immediately cease and desist.”

“What alternatives do you have in mind should your client win this case?”

“There’s plenty of precedent. You’ve got items of clothing like the Red Sox and the White Sox. You could have the ‘San Diego Skivvies.’ You could use colors, like the Cleveland Browns. Then, of course, you could always use fruits and vegetables. The ‘Atlanta Avocados’ has a nice ring to it.”

“I’m sure that when this case is decided, everyone will take notice. Thank you for taking the time to speak with me today.”

“It’s been a pleasure. And as they say, ‘See you in court!’”

→ 1 Comment

Posted in Humor

So There

Posted on May 13, 2012 | 1 Comment

I just spent almost 2 weeks in Washington DC for work. I’m tired. The kids had soccer both Saturday and Sunday. The lawn needs mowing.

You want something insightful? Okay.

Isn’t it a sad state of affairs when razor blades at Wal-Mart are kept in theft proof packages?

Who’s more pitiful – the schmuck who steals razor blades or the multimillion dollar company Gillette who has managed to set razor blade prices so high?

→ 1 Comment

Posted in Uncategorized

Posted on May 9, 2012 | Leave a comment

I’m still in the Washington, DC area, and we’ve been working late hours so I haven’t been near the computer.

However, I would like to take a moment and address the most frequent commenters to my blog.

Dear Spammers,

Thank you for reading my blog. Or as you might say, “I am thank for blog which is most lots of comments.” I just thought I’d fill you in on a few things:

  1. My condolences to the Prince in Nigeria who needs me to accept his check. Unfortunately, my work hours are the same as the banks, so I won’t be able to help him out.
  2. I tend not to borrow money, refinance my home or accept a credit card from “Happy Apple Bank” or anything similar.
  3. I am not interested in increasing the size of my hands, feet or anything else.
  4. My pharmacy accepts my insurance plan, so I do not plan on purchasing any drugs by mail, particularly when the advertiser misspells aspirin.

Now we’ll have to see if this results in fewer spam comments or an increase.

Oh, and wouldn’t it be poetic justice if when one of these spammers goes to jail, if part of their sentence would be to write out, in longhand, all of their spam messages – fifty times?

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Uncategorized

Acme Announces New CEO

Posted on May 7, 2012 | Leave a comment

Memo – May 7

To: Senior Staff

From: Bob Johnson, CEO

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I can’t tell you how excited I am to join the company. I’ve written a short note to all the employees that I’d like to get out to everyone as soon as possible. Please take a quick look at it just to make sure that I haven’t inadvertently made any serious errors and get it distributed, hopefully by tomorrow. Thanks.

DRAFT TEXT –

There has never been a more exciting time in business. After the past few years of economic challenges, we now have the opportunity to make a real difference. Investors are looking for companies that are forward looking and enthusiastic in which to invest, and that can be us. I’ve had time to meet with some of you and we have some really talented people. I am so enthused that I can’t wait to come to work each morning and find that sometimes I get out of here late just because I believe in what we can do. I hope you feel the same way.

My door is open. If you have an idea to help us make progress, no matter what it is, don’t be shy. Stop by, call me and leave a message so we can meet at lunch in the cafeteria, or just send me an e-mail.

We’ve got the chance to be a model for the way American business should be in the twenty-first century. I have faith in you. Let’s do it!

Memo – May 15

To: Senior Staff

From: Jim Smith, Legal Counsel

I’ve set up a meeting to review our new CEO’s welcome memo. First available time is two weeks from Wednesday. Have all powerpoint slides sent to my office for review by close of business on the Friday before the meeting.

Memo – June 1

To: Senior Staff

From: Jim Smith, Legal Counsel

I hope everyone had an enjoyable Memorial Day long weekend.

Attached are the minutes from the meeting concerning the new CEO’s welcome memo. Please review so we can finalize at our next meeting on June 13. I need all edits using the “track changes” feature so my office by June 8. This is a “hot issue” so we need to act with all due haste.

Memo – June 18

To: Senior Staff

From: Jim Smith, Legal Counsel

Attached are the minutes from the meeting we held on June 13. I’d hoped we’d be able to release this memo, but Human Resources has found some serious issues that need to be resolved. With the Independence Day holiday and vacations it will be difficult to get everyone together, but let’s see what we can do.

Memo – July 11

To: Senior Staff

From: Mike O’Reilly, Human Resources

Attached are the personnel issues we need to address for the CEO’s memo. I’ve checked everyone’s calendar and it looks like between vacations and back-to-school preparations, August 15 is the first available date. Let’s try to wrap this up.

Memo: – August 24

To: Bob Johnson, CEO

From: Senior Staff

Attached is the finished memo per your request.

DRAFT TEXT –

There has never been a more exciting time in business. After the past few years of economic challenges, we now have the opportunity to make a real difference
it is not possible to reliably predict future performance. Investors are looking for companies that are forward looking and enthusiastic in which to invest, and that can be us.  but employees are not to solicit investment offers on behalf of the company without written authorization from finance and legal. I’ve had time to meet with some of you and we have some really talented people however this should not be seen as in conflict with any evaluations conducted by your supervisors. I am so enthused that I can’t wait to come to work each morning and find that sometimes I get out of here late just because I believe in what we can do. I hope you feel the same way.
Remember that overtime is not authorized without prior request approved by your manager.

My door is open. If you have an idea to help us make progress, no matter what it is, don’t be shy. Send your idea for approval by your supervisor and manager.
Stop by, call me and leave a message so we can meet at lunch in the cafeteria, or just send me an e-mail. If possible we will arrange a meeting to include your supervisor and manager.

We’ve got the chance to be a model for the way American business should be in the twenty-first century. I have faith in you. Let’s do it!

Wall Street Journal
September 3

In a surprise move, Bob Johnson, CEO at Acme Corporation only since May of this year announced that he and 300 employees of Acme were leaving the company in order to start their own competing business. Investors have flocked to the new company citing its spirit of innovation and enthusiasm.

Concerns about Johnson being in violation of a non-compete clause were laid to rest when Mr. Johnson pointed out that he was still waiting for Acme to complete the final edits on his employment contract originally due last April.

The new company, named “Phoenix” is a much flatter organization with services such as payroll and legal counsel contracted with top providers rather than being conducted in house.

Acme was contacted for this story, who replied that they are preparing their press release, which will be forthcoming.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Business, Communications, Culture, Management, Media, Uncategorized

The Speech

Posted on May 6, 2012 | Leave a comment

Dear Candidate:

I wrote the “stump speech” you requested. I’m not clear on some of your views, so you’ll have to pick one of the choices where indicated. If the past is any guide, you’ll need to change to one of the other choices as we get closer to the election.

Your speechwriter,

Steve

 

I am so proud to be here today speaking to {group name here} in the beautiful city of {City name here}. I came here during my last campaign and cannot express my gratitude for your hospitality. As I told you then, this city {(A) I visited many times in my youth; (B) Reminds me of where I grew up; (C) Is the type of place where I dreamed of growing up.}

As you know, I am firmly committed to decrease taxes {(A) on the middle class; (B) on those who can create jobs} while eliminating the deficit during my {(A) term in office; (B) next term in office}. I know I have your support in this commitment. I also intend to increase spending on {(A) Social programs; (B) Defense; (C) New programs designed to solve our problems}.

This is America’s {(A) finest hour (B) greatest crisis} so we need to act and do so today.

My opponent, as you know is committed to {(A) throwing your grandparents into the street when they get sick; (B) bankrupting your children and grandchildren}. I know that you have no intention of allowing that to happen. So I need your vote. I need you to show up at the polling place and cast your ballot for me.

{At this point, wave your hand in the Jedi Mind trick style and add “These aren’t the campaign promises you’ll remember.”}

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Communications, Government, Leadership, Politics

Washington, District of Columbia

Posted on May 5, 2012 | Leave a comment

I’m in the Washington DC area. I live about 200 miles from DC so work brings me here on a fairly regular basis. If you’ve never had the opportunity to visit here, you may imagine Washington as a beautiful area with the white marble monuments you seen in pictures, on coins and on television. You probably think of busy politicians and lobbyists and cocktail parties where the real work of Congress gets done. There are also all those important places; the Oval Office; the Senate and House Chambers and hearing rooms, and of course the Supreme Court. It’s the place where you can see the Lincoln Monument, which is also where Dr. Martin Luther King made his “I Have a Dream” speech. Here resides the original Declaration of Independence and US Constitution.

All that is pretty much true – although I can’t personally vouch for the cocktail parties. But DC is not some fairy tale place.

The District of Columbia was created as a separate entity so that no state would have, or even appear to have an advantage by having the US capital in their territory. Prior to the creation of the District, the capital had been in Philadelphia, and New York. Land for the district was donated by Maryland and Virginia for the new capital city; the Maryland portion was used for the capital while the Virginia portion was later returned to Virginia in 1846. Maryland got bragging rights while Virginia has the land that includes Alexandria, the Pentagon and Arlington National Cemetery.

Washington is a real place with real issues just like every other American City. The National Mall, the beautiful expanse that runs from Lincoln Memorial to the United States Capitol has problems with its lawn – just like most of us run into. Think of how much Scotts lawn product that space would require. The earthquake last August caused cracks in the Washington Monument, closing it to visitors. Traffic is abominable both in the city and the various interstates that lead to or create the beltway around it. At some times of day, you literally cannot get there from here.

While stopped in traffic, there’s plenty of time to read license plates. Washington DC plates bear the slogan “Taxation without Representation.” Some want Washington DC to become a full blown state, which would put their citizens at quite an advantage. They would have two senators for about 620,000 people. Of course that would totally undo the intent of placing the national government in a neutral territory.

Over the years various governing ideas have been tried. President Grant appointed a governor who modernized and made major improvements to Washington, DC but bankrupted the city in the process (Maybe it’s something in the water?). Since 1961 they have had 3 electoral votes for president and vice president and a congressional representative without a vote. (Side note to the residents of DC; I’ve lived in 6 states in my lifetime. Believe me when I tell you that Senators and Congressmen and women are expensive, ill-behaved, prone to telling falsehoods and unreliable. You should know that from having all of ours hanging around your city.)

In 1973, Congress enacted home rule for DC, allowing for a mayor and a city council, although Congress does still maintain oversight and can step in and overrule actions of which it does not approve. However, when given the ability to vote for a mayor, the second election resulted in Marion Barry becoming mayor and while mayor being arrested and convicted for drug use, later being elected to city council, becoming mayor again and then returning to city council. Kind of makes you wonder what kind of senators they’d elect.

You’d think that a place where everyone who works there claims to be tough on crime would be safe. However, in the 1990′s DC was often called the murder capital of the United States – even though private ownership of guns was illegal. Seems the bad guys didn’t follow the gun law any better than they follow the other ones.

So why do I point out all the warts and imperfections of Washington DC?

I’ve always been fascinated with history and how the Founding Fathers – a group of tremendously imperfect men – created this great nation. Jefferson had his slaves. Benjamin Franklin was, well, a dirty old man; a delightful and witty dirty old man, but a dirty old man all the same. John Adams pissed everybody off because he was John Adams. However, they did great things.

Today in this nation we continue in our imperfection to do great things. We have no more wisdom than what God gives everyone. We have no special gift. We’re petty. We say whatever we need to say in order to be elected. But somehow it all works

Pretty amazing.

 

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Government, History, Philosophy, Politics

Exciting New Product

Posted on May 3, 2012 | 2 Comments

Bob – The following script was found outside a television production studio and may give you a glimpse of a future product.

Camera shows woman frantically searching through purse. Cut to same woman searching under cushions on the couch – obviously very frustrated.

Announcer: Has this ever happened to you?

Cut to same woman madly searching through car.

Announcer: You’ve looked everywhere and you can’t find your cell phone. Even worse, the battery is probably dead so you can’t call it to listen to it ring.

Music – First measures of “Also Spracht Zarathustra” (the 2001 – A Space Odyssey Theme)

Announcer: Now your troubles are over with this amazing new product from Bellco.

Camera shows product; tight spotlight. Star shaped glint of light from corner of product.

Announcer: You’ll never lose your phone again with our new WALL TELEPHONE. Yes that’s right. This telephone attaches permanently to your wall.

Camera shows woman lifting receiver from wall phone and answering with a huge smile.

Announcer: The heavy duty design of this phone makes it durable and reliable. The handy earpiece, microphone combination is securely attached to the wall phone base by a hand coiled cord.

Camera shows woman picking up receiver and dialing number. (Don’t forget huge smile)

Announcer: No tiny call and hang up buttons. No virtual keyboard on the screen. Just pick up the receiver, listen for a dial tone and dial your party’s number. It couldn’t be easier. The ergonomically designed handset easily balances on your shoulder, so you can talk without using your hands. You’ve never heard a cell phone with the clarity you get with this phone. No more repeating yourself because of bad telephone audio. And when you’re done with your call, merely replace the handset on the base and your call is disconnected.

Camera shows smiling teenage girl dialing phone (Huge smile).

Announcer: No waiting for a good cell signal. No embarrassing butt dialing. No batteries! This may be the last phone you ever need. Order now and we’ll also send you an address book so you can jot down your friends and relatives telephone numbers with the handy ball point pen, included at no extra charge.

Camera shows toll free number at bottom of screen.

You won’t find this phone in stores; it’s only available through this special offer, so call now.

Camera shows full screen toll free number, address and web page. End of advertisement.

We need to come up with something to compete ASAP. – Ralph

→ 2 Comments

Posted in Fiction, Humor, Technology