How to Keep Your Computer Safe

With all of the stolen identities, viruses, Trojans and other malware, here are the steps you need to keep your computer safe:

  1. Purchase a good quality anti-virus/firewall (AV/F) program.
  2. Install the AV/F program. DO NOT backup data before installing, since this will just save any malware already on your computer. If possible, boot from the AV/F disk and perform a complete system scan.
  3. Update your operating system and your AV/F program. Run a second complete system scan.
  4. Backup your data to a series of Blu-Ray, DVD or CD ROMS and store in a place that is safe from theft, fire, electromotive pulse damage, etc. Bank safety deposit boxes are ideal.
  5. Change your passwords. Do not use any word or combination of words in any language that could appear in a dictionary as these are vulnerable. The password should be at least 20 characters long and include 2 upper case and 2 lower case letters, 2 numbers, 2 special character (such as !@#$%%), 3 polynomials, an imaginary number, an augmented 7th chord, and a mathematical impossibility.
  6. DO NOT WRITE YOUR PASSWORD ANYWHERE!
  7. Remember, if you can remember your password, it is not safe.
  8. Change all your passwords again.
  9. Turn the computer off and remove the power cable.
  10. Remove all other cables attached to the computer.
  11. Remove the screws holding the cover on your desktop OR if you’re using a laptop, remove the battery and all the screws on the bottom of the computer.
  12. Remove the screws on all boards, modules and devices inside your computer. If possible, unsolder all components from the printed circuit boards.
  13. Take each of these items and hide or bury each in a different county/parish. If possible, different states or provinces. (Note: For a variety of reasons, it is advisable that you not cross international borders with your computer parts.)
  14. Consult a professional hypnotist and ask him/her to erase all memories of any passwords or portions of passwords from your subconscious. (Although equally effective, lobotomies have unwanted side effects.)

Congratulations! Your computer is now safe! Enjoy!

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2 responses to “How to Keep Your Computer Safe

  1. Damn, Steve. You know I’m a cybernaut (NOT!), and a cyberphobe to the max. So is what you’re saying that I should continue drinking my usual my usual amount of Te-kill-ya while using my computer…or more? Please advise.

    • Rick,
      The worm in the tequila bottle is quite different than the affliction from which your computer suffers. However – if you buy a 55 gallon drum of tequila and soak your computer in it, after 24 hours, it should be quite safe.
      Su amigo,
      Esteban

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