Category Archives: Business

Part Time Americans

flag

I got sucked in by one of those online “news stories” that actually was at least 6 months old. The article purported that wealthy Americans were giving up their citizenship to avoid paying taxes particularly on money earned, kept or hidden overseas.

I’ve read that with our progressive tax system about half don’t pay any income tax and/or may receive a credit from the government. Likewise, reports indicate that the top one percent pay 30% of the taxes to the federal government. (I’m not saying these are correct, as Mark Twain reportedly said, “There’s lies, damned lies and statistics.”)

At first I thought it might be worth our while to try to induce these folks to stay around in order to catch the tax revenue, but then I dug a little deeper.

It appears that most of them don’t actually live here. I’m guessing many have dual citizenship, so they’re more like part time Americans.

Since money is more important than their citizenship, I figure they’re at best fair-weather Americans; at worst, American in name only.

I prefer us normal, not wealthy, plain old every day Americans, anyway.

To the rich who are turning in their passports, “Don’t let the bank vault door hit you in ass on your way out!”

Planning for the Future

sh

Feeling better, the young mother walked down the hall to look into the nursery at her newborn, when she noticed the well-dressed gentleman.

“Which baby is yours?” she asked. The stranger laughed.

“Oh, no, I’m not a parent,” he replied. “I’m a talent scout.”

“Scouting newborns?”

“Absolutely,” he replied. “I’ve got two positions I need to fill, and by the time children reach their first birthday, it’s far too late for grooming.” The new mother looked puzzled.

“Each generation needs to have its pre-teen heartthrobs, and that means the entertainment industry needs to identify candidates early. I’m currently on retainer to find both the male and female pre-teen heartthrobs this time around.”

“Pre-teen heartthrobs?” asked the mother.

“Oh, yes,” the talent scout replied. “Someone for the young girls to gush over; In the past we had Rudolf Valentino, Frank Sinatra, Donny Osmond, boy bands and now, Justin Bieber.”

“And the boys?”

“We take care of them, too. Over the years we provided Shirley Temple, Judy Garland, Annette Funicello, Lady Gaga. Hmmmm. That baby, third from the left might have potential.”

“No!” the mother stated firmly. “I didn’t go through 18 hours of labor so Hollywood could make a nutcase out of my son. I think it would be best for you to leave.

“Now!” she insisted as she walked into the nursery, picked up her son and held him tightly.

What Am I Missing?

 

cell

I must be missing out on a great part of life without even knowing it. While I know I’m missing “it,” I don’t know what “it” is. Others seem to be massively engaged, while I’m left out of the excitement.

I speak, of course, of the people who must constantly be talking on their cell phones. They drive with their phone to their ear, walk while talking on the phone and even shop while similarly engaged.

It must be important, because they seem to speak loudly and with great excitement.

I suppose a top legal expert or a neurosurgeon might have to consult at a moment’s notice, but since I see a lot of this activity at Wal-Mart, I suspect that these are not necessarily among the highest paid in-demand professionals.

Are they getting advice on which breakfast cereal has the highest fiber content? The best canned asparagus? Which box of wine is most highly rated?

Whatever it is, it sure must be important, and I feel left out.

Is Knowledge Power?

phren

We are a data driven society. Polls are taken regarding virtually any subject and consume far more of the media than the actual events they attempt to predict. Reliable instant communications allows twenty-four hour news to feed us information on scandals far and wide. We are shocked by the collapse of a clothing factory in Bangladesh or by the suspected use of chemical weapons in Syria. We have access to unemployment data, Gross Domestic Product and how each affects Wall Street in real time.

We believe that if we decode all the data in DNA, we could recreate mammoths, or even dinosaurs.

Satellites feed us data to allow us to accurately predict the weather days in advance (except when the surprise severe storm appears.)

Does that make us powerful? I think not.

Knowledge is only powerful when it is used to make a decision and then execute that decision. If we read about a disaster and it causes us (and countless others) to make a donation to an organization that is helping out, that’s powerful. If knowing about a house fire causes us to check our smoke detectors and buy a fire extinguisher that means something.

Merely knowing is inconsequential. Knowing what to do with what you’ve learned is wherein the power lies.

Doing Well / Doing Good

heal

http://money.cnn.com/2013/04/25/news/economy/cancer-drug-cost/

The link above goes to a disturbing article about a drug company that has tripled the price of an anti-cancer drug because people literally can’t live without it.

There’s a huge difference between doing well and doing good. Novartis, the drug company is apparently doing well.

On the other hand, we have the example of Jesus curing everything up to – and including – death. The most He asked for was some hospitality.

I doubt that when we meet our maker, He’ll be impressed by our ROI (Return On Investment) or EBITDA (Earnings Before Interest, Tax, Depreciation, and Amortization).

I suspect He will judge us on WYDTLMB (Whatsoever You Do To the Least of My Brothers.)

Danger! Doom! And Disaster!

Among all the doom and gloom that we read about every day, is one particularly troubling story.

Giant snails are invading Florida.

I lived in Florida for a few years, and remember my wife reading to me from a book about Florida. The book said you could describe Florida in one word.

Bugs.

Now I know snails are really terrestrial pulmonate gastropod molluscs, but anything that makes you want to squish it qualifies as a bug in my book.

These snails are particularly nasty. They are Giant African Land Snails and get as big as rats while eating their way through stucco and plaster.

I believe that instead of panicking, we should act.

First, chill four cases of chardonnay.

Mix 100 pounds of butter with a quart of minced garlic and the juice and zest of two dozen lemons. Fire up the big grill and invite your friends over for an all-you-can-eat escargot party.

Better chill more chardonnay and add a couple of cases of beer.

grill

colbyandstacy.wordpress.com

No Gridlock Here

npr

I’m not exactly a liberal, so sometimes NPR rubs me the wrong way. However, NPR does in-depth coverage of issues that only get sound-bite treatment from other sources, so I’m a regular listener.

(Yes, I’m a member, and have been donating for years.)

Occasionally NPR will cover some issues that no one else seems to want to cover.

Recently they investigated why the number of people receiving Social Security Supplemental Security Income (SSI – also known as disability payments) nearly doubled over the past 15 years. It turns out that there’s a whole industry dedicated to getting people disability payments. Who’s a big customer? State governments some of which pay thousands of dollars for each person moved from welfare (a state funded program) to disability (a federally funded program).

Thought provoking – the link is http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/490/trends-with-benefits?act=2#play

Today NPR had a piece describing how in a matter of 30 seconds Congress (the same Congress who can’t seem to agree on anything) passed a bill and got it signed by the President. Of course, this was a SPECIAL bill. A VERY SPECIAL BILL. This bill canceled many of the provisions of the law that made congressional financial trading more transparent. The original bill made it possible to see how lawmakers invest their largesse. Did Senator Whatsisname own stock in the pharmaceutical industry before voting on a bill that benefitted drug companies? The original law was intended to make it possible to find out. The thirty second bill fixed that.

If you’re interested in the details, here’s the link. http://www.npr.org/blogs/itsallpolitics/2013/04/16/177496734/how-congress-quietly-overhauled-its-insider-trading-law

In the recent past I wished Congress could get along and get things done. Now, I’m not so sure.

From the Tiniest to the Greatest

dna

One of the cases before the Supreme Court is to determine whether a company can patent its ability to identify a couple of genes and their potential for predicting cancer. Big money. Big deal.

Let’s ignore the legal aspects, and focus, for just a minute on the philosophical.

A gene is a tiny, tiny part of DNA.

DNA is a tiny, tiny part of a chromosome

A chromosome is a tiny, tiny part of a cell.

A cell is a tiny, tiny part of an organ.

An organ is only part of a system.

A system is only part of the human body.

The human body is only a part of what we call a person.

If this company claims a unique and beneficial capability because of a gene, imagine just how unique and beneficial a Creator who made all this happen. The genes, the DNA, the chromosomes, the cells, the organs the systems, the human. Then He put everything in the right place on the right planet in the right solar system under just the right circumstances.

Now THAT’s a big deal!

Goodbye Windows XP

xp

In less than a year, Windows XP will no longer be supported by Microsoft. This means no more updates, upgrades or security patches. For software, that’s pretty much the end.

Microsoft’s operating systems are like some families, there are winners, losers, and some family members we don’t even talk about.

Windows was Microsoft’s blatant attempt to have an operating system just like Apple’s. (See, it’s different; Apple has a trash can, Microsoft uses a recycling bin!!)

The first successful version of Windows was version 3.0. Version 1 and 2? Don’t ask.

For most of us, what came next was Windows 95 and 98 which were okay. An improvement here, an improvement there, but not earth shattering.

In 2000, Microsoft released Windows ME which was the first of Microsoft’s marketing efforts to get people to change to Apple computers. Windows ME was notable for its instability and was derided as “Mistake Edition” or “Many Errors.”

Everything up to this point Windows was a Graphical User Interface (GUI – pronounced gooey) bolted on top of the old command driven Disk Operating System (DOS). Basically you used a mouse to point and click and the computer essentially entered the equivalent old DOS command for you. However, a mouse was easier than remembering a couple of hundred commands each of which had to be typed in the exact correct manner. Windows XP eliminated this extra step and proved to be a robust reliable performer.

Totally unsubstantiated rumor has it that Microsoft realized that people would flock to whatever new operating system it released. If true, this would also mean that they wouldn’t have to make good operating systems every time.

If so, that would explain Windows Vista. Vista was universally recognized as a “target rich environment” for improvement. Many businesses elected to stay with or return to Windows XP. Everyone waited for the updates to correct the problems.

Microsoft’s solution was to release Windows 7; this meant you could buy what Windows Vista should have been rather than Microsoft correcting it. That was the bad news. The good news was that Windows 7 worked, was reliable and did most of the things that users wanted.

Then came Windows 8, supposedly for tablets, although it runs clumsily on laptops. Unfortunately, lots of people spell tablet “i-P-a-d” or else have something like a Kindle or Nook that uses its own operating system. Industry sources say that sales of PCs have dropped recently, and they believe the reason is that since the only option is Windows 8, people are holding off.

A winner, XP is being deep sixed. Windows 8, on the other hand…

I only recently took Windows XP off the only computer still running it and installed Windows 7.

At the same time, I updated 2 other computers by removing Windows 8 in favor of Windows 7.

So, to XP, I say, thanks for all the hard work. You’ll be remembered among geeks for a long time.

The Church, Science and Mistakes

Pope Francis graduated as a chemical technician before moving on to study philosophy, psychology and theology. CNN (Link below)

Pope Francis graduated as a chemical technician before moving on to study philosophy, psychology and theology. CNN (Link below)

It seems as if many are watching the Vatican to see what Pope Francis is going to do. Lord knows there are mistakes to be cleaned up.

Being human, and being an expert at making mistakes, I accept the fact that churches and their leaders do the same.

My family is not particularly fond of my mistakes, and I’m not fond of the church’s mistakes.

The relationship between science and theology, for example. The church decided that the sun went around the earth, and when Galileo took a “responsible opposing view” the gloves came off.

The problem was that Galileo was right and the church was wrong.

CNN quoted Monsignor Tomasz Trafny, the Director of the Vatican’s Science and Faith Foundation as saying, “There was a time when theologians thought they understood everything… If you look at what is going on today you will see that theologians are very careful about what they are thinking or speaking about related to scientific issues.” [Click for CNN article]

This is good.

As much as I like the pastor at our church, he can’t seem to tell me why my car makes that funny noise, how to get my lawn to look better and we won’t even talk about how bad his advice was on my golf game.

Nevertheless, on spiritual matters he’s good to have around.

Far Out Vacation

Cheech & Chong(Back in the Day)

Cheech & Chong
(Back in the Day)

Some friends of mine decided to take a vacation trip to one of the states that has recently legalized marijuana. Not exactly my cup of tea, but to each his own.  They’ve never entirely left the sixties.

However, curiosity got the best of me so I stopped over to see if their trip had met their expectations.

“So how was the vacation?” I asked.

“Ummmm. I’m not sure. I sort of can’t remember it,” he said.

“Well, where did you finally decide to go?” I continued.

“I think was either Washington or Colorado,” he answered somewhat vaguely.

“I wish we’d taken pictures,” added his wife. “All I know is it’s a week later and we’ve each gained 20 pounds.”

As for me, I think I’ll stick with Universal Studios and Disney.

Buzzards & Swallows

BuzzardTShirtToday is the day that the swallows return to Capistrano. Every year, like clockwork, they arrive on the feast of St. Joseph – March 19th.

Yesterday was Buzzard Day in northeast Ohio. That is when the buzzards return to Hinckley, Ohio – just a bit south of Cleveland. Buzzard Day is the Sunday following March 15.

Isn’t it amazing that all these birds know the exact date and where they’re supposed to be? Especially the buzzards who know to wait until the Sunday following the date.

I’m not buying it.

We have multibillion dollar airlines with state of the art airplanes and a federally operated air traffic control system. We have GPS, radar and autopilots.

Do we hit our scheduled arrival times as accurately?

Not a chance.

Most of the time they can’t even get you and your luggage to the same place at the same time.

Of course, the buzzards and swallows don’t have to print out their boarding passes at home, arrive at the point of departure an hour ahead of rime, pay for each piece of checked luggage and be searched by security.

Maybe that’s why they can keep a schedule.

(and, no, I don’t know why the font isn’t consistent!)

To Protect and To Serve

Swat

It was going to be another busy night. Too busy. Every night was too busy.

We were crammed shoulder to shoulder in the armored personnel carrier. Every one of us carried an M-16 with a combat load – 60 rounds of 5.56 mm full metal jacket ammunition. An M-9 semi-automatic pistol was within easy reach on a drop down holster to keep it clear of the body armor. Our Kevlar helmets and our backs were clearly marked in large reflective letters, “NYPD SWAT.” We want to make sure that citizens knew we are the good guys. We protect people from dangers of all kinds.

I’d wanted to be a cop as long as I could remember, and not just any cop. No suit and detective badge for me. I wanted to be among the elite, Special Weapons And Tactics – S.W.A.T. I’d taken a degree in Criminal Justice, paid my dues as a street cop, wrote thousands of traffic tickets and broke up countless domestic squabbles before I finally made it three years ago. I spent the better part of a year undergoing intensive physical, mental and weapons training before I was officially assigned to a team.

At first it was exciting, but over time, after seeing the gritty underbelly of the big city it lost its luster. I now looked forward to the end of the shift and my days off far more than working. But, I had taken an oath, and no matter how dangerous, I would carry out my duties.

“Everybody ready?” the captain asked. He was met with a dozen thumbs up. I felt the vehicle decelerate rapidly. The rear door popped up.

“Go! Go! Go!” she shouted.

I thumbed the safety on my M-16 to full automatic and raced up the steps of the aging brownstone, hitting the glass of the front door with the butt of my rifle. A blizzard of glass fell and one of the other guys reached through and turned the door handle. Once the door was open, we all raced up the stairs to the third floor.

I could hear the police helicopter hovering overhead, always a reassuring sound.

I pointed my flashlight at the number by the door. “3-C.” This was the right place. I waved and Charlie came to the front with the short steel battering ram. When it came to breaking down doors, Charlie was an artist, and with one powerful blow the handle and lock separated from the rest of the door which swung inward. We rushed in like we’d done a thousand times before, each cop knowing just where to go. As one we raised our weapons, and a dozen laser gun sights quivered like red fireflies on the center of mass on the suspect.

“Put down the large soda!” yelled the captain. “Put it down, step away and keep your hands where I can see them!”

Jeannie sneeze, accidentally squeezing off about five rounds that knocked the perpetrator on the floor. The captain came over to Jeannie.

“Hey, we’re going to lose a few. Don’t feel bad. At least we saved him from all that high calorie corn fructose.”

Pope Brouhaha

Coat of ArmsPope Benedict XVI

Coat of Arms
Pope Benedict XVI

The news media has carried on in their usual way with regard to the retirement of the Pope. Headlines talked about it being “Shocking” and “Unbelievable.”

Say what?

First, when I’m 85, I hope I’m well experienced at being retired. Serving until death is a leftover from the days when the Monarch was expected to actively participate in combat and dodge assassination attempts. Life expectancy was much shorter.

The Catholic Church is like any large organization. Leaders come and leaders go. They tend to come from the same pool of candidates. I suspect that Fortune 500 CEOs reflect a lot of individuals with Harvard MBAs and who grew up thinking country clubs were a normal part of life.

I drive a Ford. I have no idea as to who is the current president of Ford, or who’s on their board of directors. It doesn’t affect me. To a large degree, the same is true of the Pope.

Large powerful organizations do both good and ill. With a two thousand year history, the Catholic Church has had more opportunities to experience errors, suffer from bad leadership, as well as do some good things. The bad stuff is more interesting to talk about.

Look at Catholics, as opposed to the Catholic Church organization and hierarchy. Like most other Christians we get up each morning, pray to do a good job, do some things right, screw up on others, ask forgiveness, and keep on going. Like other Christians we place our faith in Christ, along with our hope and love.

If the news media reported a month from now that the Catholic hierarchy had been unable to elect a Pope, it would not affect most Catholics. We’d still attend Mass Sunday mornings and try to live our faith on a daily basis.

Thoughts on Death

charles-addams-now-play-dead

Nobody had more fun with death that Charles Addams

People stopped dying many years ago. Instead of dying, they passed away, then they passed on. Today, they merely pass.

People don’t like the idea of death. Many Christians look at death as the consequence of sin, and see their revulsion in both emotional and spiritual terms. Jesus himself was offended by death. When he entered the tomb of Lazarus in order to raise him from the dead, he reacted strongly to the presence of death. On the night before He died, he prayed that He be spared the suffering and death that awaited him.

Christians generally believe that there is a better existence in the next life than in this one. Many other faiths have similar beliefs, but most everyone believes that getting there is not half the fun. We seem to expect that it’s like birth – a bit of a chore.

Back when people died, they often died at home surrounded by family. Now they pass in the hospital surrounded by machines that make funny noises.

Back when they still died, the deceased was cleaned up, placed in a casket, and placed in the parlor.

Having grandpa’s body downstairs was the social norm but still kind of weird.  Morticians began to offer “funeral parlors” and the deceased was viewed there. Because of the previous macabre connotation, the “parlor” was renamed as the “living room.”

I noticed that many mortuaries now advertise “funeral apartments.”

I have to wonder if they expect a security deposit and references.

At least they don’t advertise “funeral condominiums.” Heaven only knows what restrictions the condo association would impose.

So we relabel, market, advertise, glamorize and use all our other skills to disguise the fact that people die. Some people convince themselves that they won’t die by cryogenically freezing their bodies in the belief that someday someone somehow will find the cure for what killed them and bring them back.

Even with Universal Healthcare, bringing back someone who died two hundred years ago is not going to be a priority.  Bottom line is that they’re just as dead – they’re just frozen spending a couple hundred years as a corpse-sicle.

Let’s just admit it, we’re all going to die.

When I’m dead and gone, you’re going to admit that I was right.

W8A

 

duck“Hi, I’m Steve and I bought Windows 8.”

Hi, Steve

“I admit it. I fell for the hype. It wasn’t the touch screen, or the applications. I believed the stories that it was more stable and faster than Windows 7.”

How many copies of Windows 8 did you get?

“Well, my daughter’s computer was new enough that when we upgraded hers to Windows 8 it only cost $14.99.”

So only one copy? Come on, you can tell us.

“She seemed to like it, so I installed it on three other computers”

So you inflicted Windows 8 on four innocent computers?

“They had this great price! It was new technology!”

What happened next?

“Some of my hardware wasn’t compatible with Windows 8. Some of my programs wouldn’t work. I had to uninstall it from one computer.”

And did that work?

“{Sob} I couldn’t find the Vista reinstallation disk, so I had to go back to Windows XP! {Sob}”

And the other computers?

“I have to uninstall Windows 8 and reinstall Windows 7 on one computer. One is sort of kind of working.  My daughter won’t speak to me!  I don’t know if it’s because of her computer or just one of her mood swings!”

Well, don’t worry, you’re among friends. We’ll help you get through this.

“Thank you. I really needed that.”

Now let’s talk with this nice couple over here. Please introduce yourselves.

“Hi, I’m Bill, and this is my Melinda. We didn’t buy Windows 8 – the company I used to, uh, work for, sent us copies for free.”

Hi, Bill and Melinda.

Hand Me That Tool!

 

Richard Karn & Tim Allen"Home Improvement"

Richard Karn & Tim Allen
“Home Improvement”

I like tools, particularly exotic tools.

Take a stapler – pretty ordinary; but a pneumatic stapler – now that’s something. You’ve got an air compressor, complete with its rhythmic vibrations, 10 to 20 feet of hose and a gun that can drive staples through the thickest folded upholstery securely into the wood on the bottom of the chair. Instead of hours per chair, 15 minutes tops; in a couple of hours you’ve revitalized those kitchen chairs that have each absorbed a gallon and a half of spilled milk as well as things you don’t even want to imagine.

I like the self-adjusting wrenches or the ones that have a built in ratchet for tight spots. However, the name is all wrong. Wrench is what you do to your shoulder when using a bad tool. A high tech answer to tightening nuts and bolts ought to have a better name – like “Threaded Fastener Adjuster.” Better yet, “Precision Threaded Fastener Adjuster.”

Of course you need a set of Threaded Fastener Adjusters for the complete range for both English and metric of sizes. However, that’s nothing compared to the other tool for the OTHER threaded fasteners. That calls for the screwdriver.

It used to be that a screw had a slot in the top into which you placed the tool and tightened it. Then that clown, “Philip” (named for St. Philip, the patron saint of hardware store owners) invented his screw pattern. Eventually we got used to that, so the Allen wrench was born (named for St. Allen, the patron saint of hardware wholesalers) with his hex shaped fasteners. Then came star shaped fittings, Torx, Tri-wing, Torq-set, Triple Square and Polydrive. (Really, those are all actual types of screw heads.)

If I ever invent a screwdriver pattern, I’m going to name it “Kripez ®” as in “Cripes! Now I need to run to the hardware store and buy more tools!”

By the way, it shouldn’t be called a screwdriver unless it’s electric. The manual version requires the human to do all the driving, so at best it should be called a “screwstick.”

Then there’s everyone’s favorite tool – the hammer.

We used to call it GM’s law – “Don’t force it, get a bigger hammer.” Great advice. However, the name could use a little tweaking.

I suggest changing it to “Whammer.” This name is far more descriptive and much more relevant for the whammer’s wide range of uses.

Lance Armstrong

The Lance Armstrong confession has resulted in some interesting reactions, “The New York Times” had perhaps the funniest:

“…Armstrong did indeed admit he used performance-enhancing drugs. (In other news: the world is round.)”
tour-de-france

But among the more interesting responses have been those who are now questioning the wisdom of placing athletes or other celebrities in the role of “heroes” and therefore role models.

Do we really want our kids emulating someone whose claim to fame is his ability to ride a bike or chase a ball? Do we want our kids to think that it’s normal to be incredibly wealthy, have a throng of hangers-on, be treated “special” by the courts and then be finished with your career in your thirties?

Vince Lombardi is known for saying, “Winning isn’t everything; it’s the only thing!” Actually, he “borrowed” that phrase from UCLA Bruins football coach Henry Russell (“Red”) Sanders. I guess that alone is enough to prove that some people will beg, borrow, steal, or inject in order to win.

I’d rather my kids see heroes as the people who go to work every day, not for fame and fortune but because it’s the right thing to do. Parents who attend the school concert, the sporting event and who help (to the degree they can) with the school projects. People who give God his due. People who repeatedly fall madly in love with their spouse.

Celebrities live in a different world – make that a different universe – from the rest of us. They have their place. We enjoy them because they make us laugh, they make us cry. They make us cheer. They make us wish they could have heard the advice we shouted to the television before they messed up that last play. (Auugghhhh! Fumble!)

Most of our kids will never live in the celebrities universe, and even if they do, sooner or later (probably sooner) they’ll re-enter the normal universe, and hopefully find themselves willing to go to work every day, be attentive to their kids, know God, and appreciate their spouse.

Counterfeit

atom

You really have to be careful about counterfeit products these days. Naturally such big ticket items as Rolex watches and Coach Handbags have been targeted for many years. But today, cheap knockoffs are made to look like the elite brands at all product levels.

In some cases, the knockoffs are forgeries. In other cases, the con artists try to make just enough of a distinction to have semi-plausible deniability.

This morning I opened up the after shave that my wife had given me for Christmas- my usual brand. When I splashed some on, the smell was not at all what I expected.

I looked at the green bottle. Instead of “Polo” it said “Pollo.”

So all day long I had to listen to people say that I smell like a chicken burrito.

Results May Vary

How do they get those guys who give all the “fine print” information at the end of commercials? You know – side effects of drugs, terms and conditions on cars. With the economy as it is, I’d expect that most auctioneers are already busy, so are they tapping into some other group of fast talkers, or just speeding up the playback?

Which got me thinking – can you imagine the help wanted ads for some of the more unusual occupations that we deal with every day? Besides the fine print speed-talkers, there might be:

Linen artist: Must be able to design and implement fancy napkin folds as well as cute washcloth animals for our hotel chain. Please submit photos of your current work and ideas for future trends to the Hotel and Convention Bureau.

Software legal terms lawyer: Since no one reads the legal gobbledygook when installing software, we are looking for lawyers and paralegals who can build in all kinds of strange terms and conditions. Please respond to Nigerian Prince @ scam-me.com.

Modern Lexicographer Wanted – Dude, like we need an expert to help determine, like, which new buzzwords are thug enough to be included in, you know, mainstream media. Text to #Hipster_HipHop

And on a different, but obliquely connected issue…

When they list all the side effects of drugs, why are they always bad?

“May cause nausea, baldness, occasional death, social embarrassment and the desire to chase garage sales.”

Why do they never say, “May cause sudden improvement in appearance, increase in IQ, and congenial personality”?

I’ll bet if they did, they wouldn’t say it so fast.