Category Archives: Government

My New Patient, the Terrorist

As a psychiatrist, I see all kinds of people; couples trying to communicate, Woody-Allenish-neurotics, and the occasional psychotic with delusions of grandeur. Some of my patients are folks for whom La-La Land is Home Sweet Home.

One of my newest patients has occasionally been in the news. Operating under the code name of “The Fruit Fly,” Whoopee bin Yowhzah was apprehended for an attempted act of terrorism on a flight. Although he did not, in fact, have a bomb, he nevertheless set his (rather soiled) underwear on fire. When the smell of his own scorched skivvies did not achieve the desired effect, he then attempted to set fire to the underwear of the other passengers.

When the plane landed in Cheyenne, Wyoming, he was arrested. He proudly announced to anyone who would listen that he was sure he would sent to Guantanamo, but was instead held in the Laramie County Jail. He demanded to be water boarded, which was ignored by the staff, so he stuck his head in the cell toilet and repeatedly flushed it until deputies restrained him.

It was decided that instead of communing a military tribunal, he would be tried before a judge and jury in New York. He was, quite understandably, found “Not guilty by reason of insanity” and committed to a psychiatric hospital.

I first met him as he sat on the edge of his bed. We started out with some small talk, and I asked him to tell me about himself.

“Me? I am a terrorist!” he replied enthusiastically.

“I see,” I replied, “and why did you become a terrorist?” He looked at me as though I was clueless.

“Being a terrorist is a religious calling!” he explained. “God, Himself, called me to be a holy warrior!”

The patient in the next bed sat bolt upright and glared at both of us. “I most certainly did not!” he replied.

 

Police Military Equipment

swatThere’s been a lot of coverage in the news about police departments getting surplus military equipment from the federal government. Now I understand police work is a tough job and there are bad people out there, but I don’t think it’s fair that only the police get the leftover equipment. The Los Angeles school district not only has an armored vehicle but also grenade launchers.

I want some, too.

The first thing I want is one of those stainless steel milk dispensers used in y military dining facilities that get milk to that just right, perfect, wonderful temperature for cold milk.

Then, bring on the chocolate chip cookies!

Oh, and while you’re at it, add a soft-serve ice cream dispenser.

Next I want one of those cots that we all had to sleep on in every base of every type throughout Iraq and Afghanistan. That way, if anyone decides to visit, and I don’t want them to stay too long, I make up the cot. With such a lumpy, squeaky, miserable place to sleep, unwanted guests would stay one night – if they last that long.

With all the media coverage of the heavily armored vehicles, I’ve tried to think of some type of nifty high-tech surplus conveyance that I’d like. Unfortunately, having served, I know they all guzzle fuel like Uncle Louie at ano-host bar. I think they average about twenty-eight gallons to the mile (not miles to the gallon) and need about a hundred thousand hours of maintenance for every hour you drive. Besides, based on personal experience I know they’re terribly noisy and no matter how big they are on the outside, the inside is cramped, uncomfortable and smell bad.

So, on second thought, I’ll pass.

Send the milk coolers and chocolate chip cookies to the police departments – maybe it’ll put them in a better mood.

The Truth About Immigrants

Ellis Island osu.edu

Ellis Island
osu.edu

In America it has happened over and over. It happened when the Germans came here and the French. The same with the Irish and the Italians.

You’d think we’d learn, but we don’t.

When a group immigrates, they fumble around for a few years, then figure things out; those who have been here a while teach the tricks to the newcomers.

Then it starts.

They get jobs or start businesses. They pay taxes. The latest immigrants are paying social security taxes to fund the baby boomers. They serve in the military. They become citizens. They become friends and neighbors.

It’s got to stop!

Look at Me! Look at Me! (But Respect my Privacy) Look at Me!

Don Adams "Get Smart"

Don Adams
“Get Smart”

We interrupt this uproar about the NSA to present the following commercial announcements:

The left handed velvet backscratcher that you looked at last week is now on sale at the following internet sellers…

According to your cellphone GPS, here’s a coupon for the store across the street.

People who looked at left handed backscratchers, are often interested in left handed scissors.

Your Instagram of your Chicken Parmigiana a Bella Piano’s has gone viral.

Uncle Vito’s Frozen Chicken Parmesan is on sale at your local Food Shoppe.

Did you know that many people use a left handed back scratcher while eating Uncle Vito’s Chicken Parmesan?

Facebook wants you to be sad about those poor chickens.

#sad chickens

We now return you to the furor over NSA, already in progress.

Independence Day

Jefferson Obelisk Courtesy Monticello.org

Jefferson Obelisk
Courtesy Monticello.org

He wrote his own epitaph.

HERE WAS BURIED; THOMAS JEFFERSON; AUTHOR OF THE; DECLARATION OF AMERICAN INDEPENDENCE OF THE STATUTE OF VIRGINIA FOR RELIGIOUS FREEDOM AND FATHER OF THE UNIVERSITY OF VIRGINIA BORN APRIL 2, 1743 O.S. DIED JULY 4. 1826

Jefferson and John Adams are as essential to America as was George Washington. Of the three, Jefferson was the most complicated – a wealth of intellectual virtue but pragmatically able to ignore his own beliefs in the name of commerce. Author of the Declaration of Independence, yet an owner of slaves.

There is a fascinating radio program in which historian Clay Jenkinson portrays Thomas Jefferson but such that Jefferson is able to converse with us in our time. If you haven’t heard it, give it a try. Click here for more.

http://www.jeffersonhour.com/

 

Corporate People

supremecourt_0 copy

With the benefit of 20/20 hindsight we can see that it was inevitable. Unfortunately for the species Homo sapiens those who lived at the time were blissfully unaware as to where they were headed. Even with a population of over seven billion people, by 2010 they had already become an endangered species

The role and rights of corporation had been expanding throughout the history of the United States. In the 19th century corporations gained limited rights, allowing them to enter into contracts. It was believed that by incorporating, the people running a business could enjoy all of the benefits while avoiding much of the risk that comes with commerce. By the early 21st century, corporations’ involvement in the political process was protected and guaranteed, which pleased the “1 percent,” the wealthy elite. After all, they proclaimed, “Corporations are people, too!”

Corporate shareholders believed at first that this expansion of rights was passed through to them, since they owned and managed the corporations. Little did they know.

It was the election of 2024 that caught even the rich by surprise when TMZ, Inc. – a former zinc bushing manufacturer – was elected to Congress. Corporations contributed the most to the political campaigns with the obvious outcome. This trend continued with the mid-term elections of 2026 resulting in three caucuses – Democrat, Republican, and Corporate.

Congressman TMZ conducted political affairs as instructed by its board of directors. Other corporate bodies, however, had been able to slash costs and boost their quarterly earnings by aggressively automating and outsourcing what couldn’t be computerized to countries with cheaper labor costs. Over time they began to operate with progressively less human intervention. Eventually, most corporations eliminated all human positions except for a small contingent charged with maintenance and repair.

In 2028, Megalith Holdings Corporation was elected president. One group, dubbed “birthers” claimed that the constitution required that the president be a “natural born citizen.” In order to resolve the issue before Inauguration Day, their case was heard, and appealed at each judicial level. Ultimately the Supreme Court ruled that since MHC came into existence by virtue of its incorporation in the state of Delaware, and that corporations are people, too, Megalith was, in fact, a native born American, and therefore eligible for the office of president. The majority opinion was written by Chief Justice Universal Communications, LLC. The minority opinion, written by 97 year old Justice Abigail Adams, was short and to the point; “We’re screwed.”

Commerce slowed as automated public corporations focused on acquiring patents and suing one another for infringement. Manufacturing was deemed insufficiently profitable and shut down. The same occurred with the large farming operations controlled by corporations. This resulted in massive starvation among humans, obliterating the species.

There are rumors – there are always rumors – of small groups of humans who have gathered into tribes and subsist as hunter gatherers. It is said that they wait for the day when either the demand for electricity exceed the supply or that enough electrical plants break down so that the corporate computers can no longer operate.

I hope this information has been useful. If you’ll excuse me, I need to have my files backed up and my memory defragmented.

Good day.

In the Name of God, I Kill You!

courtesy Voice of America

courtesy Voice of America

The Sunni extremists are wreaking havoc in Shia towns in Iraq; Iraqi soldiers who are also Sunni are apparently laying down their arms rather than defending the Shia civilians.

Allahu Akbar!

It’s a far too familiar tale throughout the world.

The Roman persecution of the Christians.

The deaths of Catholics and Anglicans as they fought over the English throne.

The lynching of blacks by God fearing whites in the South.

The extermination of the Jews in World War II.

The list goes on and on. We never seem to learn.

When we die and face our God, I am quite certain He is not going to say, “Great job of killing people!”