But It’s a Matter of Principle

It was a crazy day today.  The lawn tractor my neighbor gave me suddenly developed an aneurysm on one of the front tires.  I believe this was in protest for leveling the mower deck, although I cannot prove that and the tractor refuses to comment except off the record.

As you probably know, this country is overrun with roving bands of trucks containing ultrasound machines that will diagnose aneurysms in people (Disclaimer: Not all aneurysms can be detected. This service is not covered by insurance.  Prices (like some people) are slightly higher west of the Rockies.  Tax, title and dealer preparation charge not included.  This offer may be withdrawn at any time.  If you experience a bulge in your aneurysm for more than 4 nanoseconds, contact your physician or undertaker immediately.)

Alas, no one checks for tire aneurysms, especially on lawn tractors.

I had done my share of tire repairs while working for a SOHIO station back in the late 1960’s.  (Yes I still remember that long ago.)  I know there are special tools, mounts, etc. that make this easy. I used them back then to repair tires for the princely sum of $2.00 per tire.  Apparently no one has developed a similar set of these tools for lawn tractors, or if they have they are a tightly held secret known only to the CIA and the National Security Agency.  Rumor has it that President Obama is kept in the dark in order to maintain plausible deniability.  Besides, with his fondness for smartphones and Twitter, the Secret Service is trying their best to keep him away from any tools that are capable of being improved by Tim Allen.

So my 13 year old son and I, armed only with basic tools tackled the treacherous lawn tractor tire.  I’m proud to announce that neither of us did either ourselves or the other any permanent damage.  However, between the tire replacement and the subsequent lawn mowing, there was little time or energy for anything else.

So, in typical male fashion we spent twice as long repairing a tire on the lawn tractor than it would have taken to mow the lawn with the push mower.  Likewise, we could have bought a tire already mounted on the wheel for about $20.00 more than the unmounted tire.  Both of us left the field of battle exhausted, dehydrated and in ill humor.

Or in other words………



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