Transcript from the Mega Cable News Network
In a surprise move today, Podunk Junction, Arkansas announced that it had held it’s Republican Presidential Primary. On the scene is local affiliate news anchor, Zeke Cletus.
Zeke: “That’s right. While Florida, New Hampshire and Iowa fight over which will be first, this community in rural Arkansas managed to beat them all. With me today is Cecil Chadworth, the local registrar of voters.
“The first question, Mr. Chadworth, is how a town could hold a primary. These are normally state functions.”
Cecil: Now that’d be true, Zeke, but ya gotta realize this is Arkansas. Them Clintons got so many folks in the state registered as Democrats that Podunk County, of which Podunk Junction is proud to be the county seat, has all of the registered Republicans for the entire state. Therefore we control all of the delegates for the state.
Zeke: “Well that seems highly unusual, but I’ll take your word on that. Perhaps you could explain more.”
Cecil: If you’da studied your history you’da heard about a little thing called Reconstruction after the Civil War. Down here in the South most folks would have nothing to do with Republicans for the longest time. A few of us, back when we was young and foolish decided we’d buck the trend. While the rest of the state had to choose between Dixiecrats and Democrats, we had the Grand Old Party. We wuz just rebellious kids back then raising a bit of a fuss. Everyone else just ignored us and figured it was a phase and it’d pass. To be honest, we never thought much of it either. Well most of us in Podunk are kin of one type or another and when the old Mayor retired, my cousin Billy thought it’d be funny to put my name on the primary ballot as a joke. I became a bona fide candidate. Well, we take family seriously in these parts and everybody in the family felt duty bound to vote for me. I woke up one morning to find out that I was mayor. In order for the family to support me, they all had to register as Republicans, so we’ve got this one little patch of conservatives right here.”
Zeke: “Would you care to tell us why you moved next year’s primary all the way into the year before the general election?”
Cecil: I got tired of hearing that those other states wanted their primaries to count more than anyone else’s. When you think “Economic Solutions” do you think of Iowa? When you think “A better way to do things” do you think Iowa? Come to think of it, I’ll bet most people never think of Iowa at all.
Then there’s Florida – the land of retired people and hanging chads. Give me a break. The only good thing is Disney World. Reminds everyone that it’s a Mickey Mouse outfit.
And New Hampshire? You choose 50 people at random and ask them to point out New Hampshire on a globe and I’ll bet most get it wrong. That’s why New Hampshire’s primary should be no more important than anyone else’s. No less, mind you, but no more.
Zeke: “So there you have it. The first primary of the 2012 presidential race and Mr. Cecil Chadworth is going to announce the results.”
Cecil: The results from Podunk Junction, Arkansas and the winner of all the Republican delegates is…
Zeke: “Ronald Reagan!?”
Cecil: Yep. Last decent Republican to run for president. We’ll keep nominating him until someone better comes along.”
Zeke: “But he’s dead!”
Cecil: At least we can guarantee no impeachments, no scandals, or any other embarrassments.
Zeke: “Well, like it or not, from Podunk Junction, Arkansas, the first primary results are in. This is Zeke Cletus, Mega Cable News.”