With Apologies to the Late George Carlin

Carlin used to say that his job was “To think up goofy $#!+” and then come and report his findings to everyone else.  So here goes….

What if someone showed up at your twenty-fifth high school reunion and really did look exactly like he or she did when they were in high school?

Why are there so few successful Hassidic stand-up comics?

My cat is nice to me when she wants to be fed then she ignores me.  My congressman is nice to me before the election then he ignores me.  Do you think it’s possible that politicians are really cats?

Isn’t it sad that they call school off because of bad weather?  Wouldn’t it be better if they (at least occasionally) shut it down because it’s just too nice?

Why is it that when you go to the store looking for one item and you don’t find it you walk out without buying anything, but when you go into a store looking for three or more items and you can’t find any of them, you walk out having bought more items than were on your list?

Those of us who own dogs are well aware of all the disgusting things they do.  Why, then, when we lose a dog do we immediately go out and buy another one?

Did you ever consider the possibility that global warming is due to the hot air of all the politicians talking about it?

How would you react if you found out your son was dating a Kardashian?

Every parent knows their child assumes we’re out to embarrass them.  Wouldn’t you love to  – just once – actually do that?

You know this is going to happen in thirty or forty years.  A grey haired lady and a bald man are going to hear a rap song and get teary eyed because it reminds them of their first date.

If they can take a picture of a child and computer project how he’ll look when he’s forty, why don’t they take a picture of the tattoo and show how it will look on you in forty years BEFORE you get the tat?

How would you wives react if your husband asked if something made him look fat? 

Okay, I promised I’d try to be funny today.  I tried.  If you liked it – go hug somebody who’s important to you.

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