The Candidate

In a surprise move today, underworld kingpin Lou “Big Bubba” Boudreaux announced his candidacy for president. The following interview is courtesy of the Cable Headline Network. Apparently CHN was told not to run anything that Big Bubba would find offensive, and decided that it was best not to air anything.

This blog, however, has more courage than CHN, primarily because Big Bubba can find the CHN studios and executive offices, but has no idea as to where this blogger is located. Therefore, in order to keep you politically informed, here is the transcript of the interview with Big Bubba Boudreaux.

“Good morning, Mr. Boudreaux. I understand that although you normally avoid public exposure you’ve asked for the press to be here for a major announcement.”

Yeah. Dat’s right. I jus’ wanna tell everybody that I’m gonna be the next president.

“So, in other words you’re announcing your candidacy.”

Yeah, whatever it takes.

“So are you entering the upcoming primaries as a Republican candidate?”

Naw. The Republicans are all right – they dress better than the Democrats and are good business partners, but I ain’t wasting time on primaries.

“You do realize that the Democrats will support President Obama for re-election.”

Yeah. Dey can do dat.

“So how do you plan on running for the highest office in the nation?”

I’m an indy –friggin-pendent. You wanna make a campaign contribution? You make it to me. You wanna help the campaign? You come to me. Besides, America is the center of independence. We celebrate Independence Day. It’s good to be an independent.

“So what qualifies you to be President?”

You sayin’ I ain’t qualified or somethin’?

“Not at all. It’s just that these are the kinds of questions that the press is expected to ask candidates.”

Okay. Just so long as you ain’t disrespectin me. I don’t like disrespect. My boys don’t like to see me get disrespected. Right, boys?

How am I qualified? First, I truly understand politics since I’m from Chicago. We got the Daley’s. We got Blagojevich. We got Capone wait – was he elected? Okay, you can skip Capone. My family is from Louisiana. We backed Huey and all the other Longs. There’s a joke that Louisiana is half under water and half under indictment. And you ask me if I’m qualified?

“Can you tell us what your experience is with regard to creating jobs?”

I create jobs all the time. The boys standin’ behind me would be unemployed if I hadn’t hired them. My organization makes loans to people who can’t get money anywhere else and I hire people to make sure that they are on time with their payments. We don’t run no deficit. We don’t have a trade balance problem. We don’t need to raise the debt ceiling. We find we don’t got enough money for some reason, we just look around to see somebody that’s got too much money and we redistribute the wealth.

“Excuse me for saying this, but politically aren’t you being a bit naïve? Do you really believe this is the way to get elected?”

Look. I need votes. I don’t waste time on television ads. I don’t worry about primaries and I don’t do conventions. My, uh, campaign workers go out and talk to people. They say, “Write in the boss’s name. Here’s how to spell it. They write my name on a piece of paper – a green piece of paper. That paper also happens to have some pictures and numbers on it. People are smart. They understand.

We then make sure that the elections are handled properly. We go to the poll workers and tell them to make sure they count everything correctly. We don’t want none of them hanging chad things, you know? We explain that even volunteer workers should be well paid, and if they’re not on salary – or even if they are, we leave ’em a tip. A good tip. People are smart. They understand.

Don’t worry, it’ll all work out.

“I’m shocked! You mean that you think you can buy an election? Don’t you understand the values Americans expect of our elected leaders? ”

Now who’s being naïve?

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