A Tour of Acme

Welcome to the Acme Corporation. We take great pride in the tours we provide for our visitors, especially those who are also customers. To many of you, Acme is a name you’ve known since your childhood. After all, who can forget the thrill of watching Wiley E. Coyote with an Acme anvil, or an Acme weight reducing machine? My personal favorites were Acme weapons, particularly any type of rocket. Then of course we were featured in “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” Acme is a fine American company.

Some of you may think that our portrayal in various cartoons would cause us concern, since you may think it unflattering. Please let me assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. While the coyote may not have had the results that he wanted, don’t forget that the real hero of the program was the Roadrunner, and thanks to Acme, the story always had a happy ending.

A happy ending is what we’re always seeking, and for Acme, we look at success differently. Anyone can pursue obvious success, but success to Acme is just a little different. If everyone will please follow me, we’ll begin the tour.

In this part of our factory we manufacture, and dare I say “perfect” bathroom equipment. Acme was the pioneer in bathroom drying equipment. In the 1920s we developed the roller towel. You may remember those. It looked like a long linen towel that was on a roll and as each patron used it, they could advance the towel to a clean section. Actually the towel was only about four feet long and in one continuous loop. In order to assure that the towel retained that soggy feeling, the casing contained a tank of pond water so that the entire towel could be kept well hydrated. That was Acme’s humble start, but also its first step to stardom.

Today we have several lines of bathroom accessories. In the back you can see one of our all-time best sellers – the hand dryer. I’m sure that everyone is familiar with this device which anemically blows a little lukewarm air over the customer’s hands. The customer then walks away wiping his or her hands on their clothing. They’re very popular at restaurants and gas stations. Annual electrical cost to run one of these is approximately 3 cents; if it goes over 3 cents the machine automatically shuts off until January 1st.

On your left you can see several of our hand towel dispensers. These range from relatively low tech units that dispense pre-cut and folded towels so that you either end up with a two inch square piece of torn paper, or else a handful. Most of these are shipped with the undersized waste basket attached to guarantee an avalanche of towels on the floor. We also have high tech automatic dispensers. Wave your hand in front of one of these and it will dispense exactly three inches of towel. The towel must be torn off to reset the timer and after a delay the next three inches can be dispensed.

Now some of you might wonder why there would be a demand for such items. The answer is simple. Restaurants and stores do not want you using their bathrooms. First off, bathrooms have to be cleaned. Bathrooms waste floor space that could be used for tables of merchandise displays. If you go to a restaurant, have a meal, use the restroom, return to your table and settle in for a nice chat with your family, the restaurant can’t seat another customer at that table. The sooner you leave, the better, so Acme is filling a very real and important need!

Now if you’ll look to your right you’ll see our coffee maker division. Significant research had gone into designing high-end decorator coffee makers with carafes that spill not only when you’re putting water into the coffee maker but also when you’re pouring coffee. Years ago people had coffee percolators that didn’t spill. They had a big opening at the top so when you held it under the tap it filled with water neatly. When the coffee was done, there was a narrow spout that always put the coffee right into the cup. Our marketing department had to convince people to abandon their old percolators so we could put a drippy coffee machine in every home and office. Another Acme success story.

This next section may look like our billing department because everyone is sitting at a desk. Actually this is another product development site. This is where those obliquely worded agreements are developed. You’ve seen these on everything from credit card applications to cell phone contracts. Before portable music players became so common we used to write stereo instructions here. It was a fascinating process; we had Star Trek fans write the first draft in technobabble. These drafts were then translated into Chinese by freshman language students at a local junior college. These would be shipped to Taiwan where their freshmen would translate it into English. Boy, I miss those days. Now we just use Google to translate into three or four random languages then back to English.

I apologize that I must cut this tour a little short, but we have several government officials coming in for some special work. The IRS wants us to spruce up their tax forms, and the Post Office has been having a little efficiency problem, and they want it removed immediately. That is, they want the efficiency removed.

So this concludes our tour. Thank you everybody and remember whether you need an anvil or your zoo needs a lock, always think of Acme first.

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One response to “A Tour of Acme

  1. Loved this! So happy to know the back story for the products “that I know and love.” 🙂

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