The Incumbents

The recall campaign regarding the parents at the Smith home has reached a crescendo such that the local media can no longer ignore it. The campaigns are hard fought and the incumbents are not willing to give any ground and risk losing their positions as mother and father to this family.

Now it’s true that Emily, the incumbent mother has inadvertently hurt her running mate, Bob. This was due primarily to her unfortunate use of the “Wait until your father gets home!” tactic. The populace, otherwise known as the Smith children, have compared this to a type of “double jeopardy” since they believe that they are being tried and punished by each parent. Bob wisely has decided not to respond to this, especially with the politically suicidal response of, “It was your mother’s idea.”

So far Mr. & Mrs. Smith have united their efforts, and given the pressure they’re under, this is to be commended. It is so rare to see a civilized campaign of any type in this day and age.

Current issues that are deadlocked include the following complaints or demands from the Smith children:

1. Insufficient options for entertainment – which they claim will only be rectified by subscribing to the double premium platinum cable package. So far Bob has refused to budge on this issue pointing out that if he were to acquiesce on this, the monthly cable bill would be higher than the total price of his first car – including a year’s worth of gasoline.

2. Cruel and unusual punishment – This refers primarily to forced inclusion of vegetables at most meals, especially since at some meals several vegetables may be sered. To quote Sally, age 10, “Waterboarding or brussel sprouts; they’re equally repugnant and should be universally abolished!” So far appeals to Amnesty International by the Smith children have gone unanswered. The parents offer to serve more vegetables covered with a cheese sauce has not been favorably received.

3. Lack of equal treatment – John, age 16 has demanded that he be treated equally with his peers who have no curfew, are allowed to stay up as late as they wish, never go to church and come and go without having to report to their parents. Mrs. Smith was lucky enough to turn her head before rolling her eyes; although there were several witnesses, it was not recorded by any cameras.

4. And finally, Sally has pointed out the failures of the current administration with regard to adequate expenditures. “My friends,” she points out, “have swimming pools, beach houses, really neat vacations and they ALL get brand new BMWs as soon as they turn 16!”

It’s hardly a one sided campaign, though. Bob and Emily have their own demands, including:

1. Good grades including the completion of all homework assignments on time and studying before tests. The children maintain that so long as they pass their state-wide standardized tests, that should be adequate. The parents have taken a “No Compromise” position on this issue.

2. Clean bedrooms. To this Sally has responded, “It depends upon what your definition of ‘clean’ is.” John is more politically aware and is quoted as saying, “It depends on what your definition of ‘is’ is.”

3. Respect. Sally quickly points out that parents don’t need to be respected. “All parents are idiots! If you watch any show on the Disney Channel or Nickelodean and you’ll realize that all parents are dimmer than a 5 watt CFC light bulb. Thank goodness for clever and quick witted children!”

This recall campaign will remain spirited all the way until November, and this reporter believes that neither side is willing to yield. However, as incumbent, “Dad” Bob isn’t afraid to be tough.

“Sally’s computer is on its last leg,” he calmly replies, “and she’s going to need a replacement. We’ll see who blinks first. And as far as John goes? If he doesn’t come around I’ve got a whole list of humorous stories to share with his friends. It’s amazing how one of these stories will set the tone for any girl he’s dating.”

When I asked what he’d do if these measures, as extreme as they are, weren’t sufficient to bring this confrontation to an end, Bob told me he had the answer in two words.

“Cellphone cancellation.”

The smart money knows which way this contest is going to end.

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