Act Now Before It’s Too Late!!!!!

Breaking News!!!!!

Sources who are speaking anonymously because they have not been authorized to discuss the issue have disclosed that the news media is capricious and arbitrary when it comes to spokespersons for various groups.

If the military makes a statement, it normally is presented by a Public Affairs Officer, who appears in the uniform of the branch of the service in which he or she is a member. A Navy spokesman, for example might be wearing the summer white uniform with ribbons and devices. An Army spokesperson might be in ACUs (Army Combat Uniform) and an Air Force representative would be wearing golf clothes.

Likewise, a representative of the American Bar Association would probably be a lawyer wearing an Armani suit, and a spokesdoctor for a hospital would wear a freshly pressed white lab coat for a research topic or rumpled surgical scrubs for anything relating to a patient. In each case, there is an indication that the person speaking is recognized by their organization as being legitimate.

However, there are numerous people, both famous and unknown, who unilaterally decide that they are going to speak for (Pick at least one of the following)

    1. Gays

    2. Latinos

    3. African – Americans

    4. Native Americans

    5. Representatives of the 99%

    6. Combat veterans

7. Accordionists

    7. Gay Latino Combat Accordionists

The news media is happy to stick a microphone and camera in front of these people, thereby legitimizing them. This then lets movie stars be portrayed as medical experts on the links between vaccinations and autism. They also claim exclusive rights to speak on behalf of Haiti, Darfur, Tibet, and dust mites. Washed-up politicians get to be experts on the environment, the economy, elephantiasis, eggplant or egregious behaviors.


Therefore, as a public service, I have decided that I will now be the spokesman for responsible spokespeople. I personally will decide who can and who cannot claim to represent any group or movement.

If you wish to be the representative of a particular group, send me your resume, your justification explaining why you should be represented (no more than one page single spaced, please) and your check or money order for $75.00 and I will personally certify you, once your check has cleared. If this is an emergency, you can send the $75.00 (plus an additional $500 special handling fee) via PayPal for expedited certification.

Act now! Before you know it some cable news outlet will be in your neighborhood desperately searching for a story, and you want to be prepared to represent your point of view.

Actual results may vary. Individuals are portrayed by actors who are compensated for their statements. It is illegal in Toledo to throw a lizard at someone. Brussels sprouts are a gateway drug to cocaine, heroin and fast food. Offer not legal in California, just to honk them off. This offer may be withdrawn at any time. No animals were harmed in the production of this article, although one parrot was miffed that I wasn’t paying attention to him.


One response to “Act Now Before It’s Too Late!!!!!

  1. Gay Latino Combat Accordionists, ROFL! Actors on dust mites & politicians on egregious behaviors, are also funny, but in the last one, because of personal experience.

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