ALCLU Files Suit on Behalf of PTBAP

The American Ludicrous Civil Lawsuit Union is a well-known advocate for the rights of the little guy. Recently, they filed a suit on behalf of “People for Treating Animals better than People” in protest of animal names being used by professional and amateur sports teams. When I contacted PTBAP, I was told that they would only comment through their representative at the ALCLU. So with trusty notebook in hand, I interviewed Attorney J. Waldo Summers, who is handling the case.

“Mr. Summers, why did the ALCLU decide to take this case on behalf of PTBAP?”

“As you may know, the ALCLU sees the American legal system as one large playground. Anyone can understand the need for a murder trial or a divorce hearing. Only we professionals appreciate how much fun is to be had by filing lawsuits, just because we can.”

“I find that hard to believe, sir. I would think that you’d want to reserve our court system for important legal questions.”

“Don’t be absurd! Look, I’m wearing a $3,000 suit AND a power necktie. I drive a Lexus. Not to mention that I always use paper that’s 3 inches longer than normal paper. Of course I’m going to file lawsuits!”

“Well that’s certainly one point of view. Let’s talk about this particular case – shall we? The PTBAP is trying to halt the use of animals as team mascots. What is the legal view on this question?”

“First, it’s a legal opinion. We lawyers always have opinions, not views. Second, I love trying to pronounce ‘PTBAP.’ If you say it as a word, it sounds just like a whoopee cushion. And lastly, PTBAP (uncontrollable giggle) believes that animals are people, too.”

“I must say that your position sounds contradictory. How can animals be people?”

“Now if you were a lawyer like me, you’d know that the United States Supreme Court has ruled that corporations have rights just like people. If corporations are people, certainly kittens and bunnies have every right to be people too.”

“Well, they’re certainly cuter. However, even if they are people, why should they object to having sports teams named after them?”

“Some American Indians didn’t like sports teams being named after them, so they protested. This is pretty much the same thing. Of course the Florida Seminoles don’t mind, but they’re getting paid for the use of their name. Now if the sports teams want to negotiate with PTBAP (giggle) I’m sure we could reach an agreement.”

“But what if sports teams don’t want to pay to be called the Broncos or the Tigers?”

“Obviously, then we have a problem and PB– sorry, the last time I tried to pronounce it I think I pulled something – my client wants them to immediately cease and desist.”

“What alternatives do you have in mind should your client win this case?”

“There’s plenty of precedent. You’ve got items of clothing like the Red Sox and the White Sox. You could have the ‘San Diego Skivvies.’ You could use colors, like the Cleveland Browns. Then, of course, you could always use fruits and vegetables. The ‘Atlanta Avocados’ has a nice ring to it.”

“I’m sure that when this case is decided, everyone will take notice. Thank you for taking the time to speak with me today.”

“It’s been a pleasure. And as they say, ‘See you in court!'”

One response to “ALCLU Files Suit on Behalf of PTBAP

  1. Sadly, I don’t think this day is too far into the future.

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