Once upon a time there were three networks. These networks provided entertainment and news on the radio to people all over the country. Goldilocks tried to listen to the National Broadcasting Network, but it was too big. It had a Red network and a Blue network and Gold network and an Orange network. Goldilocks couldn’t keep track, so she tried the Columbia Broadcast Network. One day, Goldilocks turned on her radio to her favorite radio stations, but they had stopped playing radio dramas and the news and instead played the same forty songs over and over.
Goldilocks was very sad.
Goldilocks found that her networks had moved to the new invention called television. At first television was in black and white and only worked in the evening, but over time it became colorful – in more ways than one. It went from Beaver’s mom and dad sleeping in separate beds to Archie Bunker’s toilet flushing. Everyone watched the television and since there were only a three networks, Goldilocks and her friends often talked about what they had seen on television the night before.
Goldilocks became a creature of habit watching her favorite programs.
One day, Goldilocks came home and found that her television was hooked up to something called cable. It cost money, while the networks did not, but it offered more choices. When she turned it on she could watch movies that had been in theaters only a year earlier. There were channels that showed sports.
Goldilocks was very happy.
Then, things began to change. Goldilocks old networks began showing television programs with no scripts and without talented actors. They called it “reality television.” Her cable began running bizarre programs about strange people. Other channels ran old television shows from back in the days of three networks. Even the movie channels started showing the same old movies she had seen when cable first came out. Every year, cable became more expensive; it now cost more for cable than what her house payment had been when cable was new.
Goldilocks was frustrated.
Goldilocks found a new form of entertainment called the internet. At first this was very slow and clunky and tied up her telephone line, but eventually – for a significant additional fee – it connected through her cable. Goldilocks used the internet to keep up on news and entertainment. One day she realized that the news story on the “front page” of the website was the same as it had been yesterday. In fact some of the stories showed up over and over months after they had happened.
This made Goldilocks angry.
Goldilocks turned to a life of crime. After burglarizing a home and finding only a couple of bowls of porridge, she began vandalizing the place, destroying furniture throughout the house. Although she was positively identified, she is still on the loose and considered extremely dangerous. She is reported to have connected with an infamous German gang and is currently a “person of interest” in a particularly brutal murder in which a little old lady in the Cookie House Subdivision was pushed into an oven. Two other suspects, Hansel and Gretel are already in custody awaiting arraignment.