Daily Archives: September 19, 2012

Slow Cooking

I admit it.

I think crock pots should be made illegal.

I know some of you are saying, “But crockpots are so easy! I can start cooking when I leave for work and it’s done when I get home.” Sorry. I can’t accept that. The fact that it’s easy doesn’t make it right.

In case you’re not familiar with crock pots, these are designed for “slow cooking” meals. I don’t know what the original thought was (notice I didn’t say “inspiration”), but there is one and only one purpose for slow cooking.

To remove all of the flavor. Completely. Every bit of it.

Don’t believe me? Try this. Borrow three crockpots. (I’m assuming that you don’t own one; if so, good for you.) In the first, place 1 pound of rib eye steak; in the second place 1 pound of canned red beans and in the third – one pound of wet newspapers. Spice each identically. If you don’t have a favorite, try 1 cup red wine, ¼ cup Worcestershire sauce, ½ tsp. salt, ½ tsp. pepper, ¼ cup onion and 1 tbs. garlic. After four hours, open each, stir, recover and cook four more hours.

Serve 1 tablespoon from each crockpot onto a plate for each diner. See who can tell them apart.

Next, take everyone out to dinner at a restaurant and apologize profusely for ever using a crockpot.

Oh, and if you need more convincing – in the news today there was a story about a chef who murdered his wife and used a barrel as a giant crockpot to slow cook her body into mush so he could dispose of it. Yech!