Results May Vary

How do they get those guys who give all the “fine print” information at the end of commercials? You know – side effects of drugs, terms and conditions on cars. With the economy as it is, I’d expect that most auctioneers are already busy, so are they tapping into some other group of fast talkers, or just speeding up the playback?

Which got me thinking – can you imagine the help wanted ads for some of the more unusual occupations that we deal with every day? Besides the fine print speed-talkers, there might be:

Linen artist: Must be able to design and implement fancy napkin folds as well as cute washcloth animals for our hotel chain. Please submit photos of your current work and ideas for future trends to the Hotel and Convention Bureau.

Software legal terms lawyer: Since no one reads the legal gobbledygook when installing software, we are looking for lawyers and paralegals who can build in all kinds of strange terms and conditions. Please respond to Nigerian Prince @

Modern Lexicographer Wanted – Dude, like we need an expert to help determine, like, which new buzzwords are thug enough to be included in, you know, mainstream media. Text to #Hipster_HipHop

And on a different, but obliquely connected issue…

When they list all the side effects of drugs, why are they always bad?

“May cause nausea, baldness, occasional death, social embarrassment and the desire to chase garage sales.”

Why do they never say, “May cause sudden improvement in appearance, increase in IQ, and congenial personality”?

I’ll bet if they did, they wouldn’t say it so fast.

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