Is time for Olympic Games here in Sochi! Please ignore the fact that the snowboard course is lethal, after all, what good is a sport if there isn’t the risk of death or serious injury? You Americans who love NASCAR races and NFL football should appreciate that. Can you say, “Traumatic brain injury?” Da! Very good.
Some you of you have commented on our tandem toilets. These are not joke! We believe that these add to the competitive spirit and the appeal of the games. Pictures is worth many thousands words. Look at happy athletes!
Then there are you who have checked into your hotels and not been satisfied. On behalf of Soviet – I mean Russian peoples I apologize. We will make sure that you receive your towels as soon as possible. Unfortunately, the furniture and fixtures may take a little longer, and the missing hotel roofs are on back order. So as to not inconvenience normal people, we are intending to assign deviant gay personages to the rooms without roofs. See, we are modern thinking!
We are insure your safety. If you hear gunfire or explosion, please know is only celebration or stray dog removal. Not to worry. Stay away from windows and if convenient, go under bed. You are safe, not like living in Oakland or Detroit. Only drive-by shootings here will be Cossack security, and they’re on YOUR side!
Tonight sleep! Tomorrow enjoy games! Be happy! Spend money!