- (10) Three million pounds of paper and the equivalent of two hundred thousand ball point pens will be wasted because people wrote “2014” instead of “2015.”
- (9) Within ninety-six hours of 12:01 AM this morning, exactly 73.2 percent of all resolutions will have been broken.
- (8) The National Hurricane Prediction Center will advise us to prepare for a banner year for storm activity; in the meantime, a conservative spokesman will announce from the National Hurricane Center (now thirty feet underwater) that global warming is just hype.
- (7) Major financial institutions will lobby for federal assistance because the fluctuations in North Korean currency are having a major impact on the national economy.
- (6) Why fluctuations in North Korean Currency? Because Kim Jong Un will be assassinated by his barber who refused to take responsibility for such a ridiculous haircut.
- (5) The NSA will miss the events in North Korea because they’re busy monitoring a rather racy phone call between German Chancellor Angela Merkel and a Chippendale Dancer named “Hans.”
- (4) Vladimir Putin will take decisive action to rescue the economy, and strike a macho pose sans shirt, all for “Mother Russia.”
- (3) The International Space Station will make a surprise announcement that it is now under the control of the Cayman Islands Space Agency to shelter not only the astronauts but also all support personnel from taxes.
- (2) Hollywood will specialize in the remake of the sequel of the sequel of the remake of the sequel.
- (1) With social media, smartphones, tablets, etc. future historians will mark 2015 as the year in which spoken communication became a dying art.
Since I know these things, what are my plans? I’m hoping to sleep until at least 2016.