Edwin “Duke” Long
United States Representative
114th Congress of the United States of America
I am back in Washington, DC, our nation’s capital and already working for all of you back home. As I promised—and as a loyal, ultra-conservative tea-bagger—I stood up to that Ohioan, Congressman John Boehner, and proudly voted against him for Speaker of the House of Representatives. As I promised, I put principles ahead of progress, and commitment over compromise.
In the meantime, my staff is busy setting up my new office. It’s a 5 room suite, although they keep saying something about “4 stalls and a closet.” No worries- we’ll get it figured out.
I had hoped to continue to serve on the Ways and Means Committee, the Armed Services Committee, and the Finance Committee, but my talents are needed elsewhere. I’ve been selected by Speaker Boehner to bring some sanity to the eleven liberal Democrats on the Climate Committee, where I will be a special congressional representative to the Surgeon General in order to address the serious problem of bovine flatulence.
So, remember, stand firm! Stick to your guns whether they make sense or not, and never, ever compromise, even if you actually agree with the other person.