Medical Abbreviation$

When I sleep, I use a CPAP, which is an abbreviation for, “I’m buying some doctor a Jaguar to drive.” There are several sound medical reasons for the CPAP:

  • First, I suffer, from chronic healthcare insurance. As long as I have insurance that pays for treatment, the medical industry will find things wrong with me.
  • Second, I have sleep apnea. This mainly means that when I sleep, I snore. Technically it means that I stop breathing while snoring, but I’ve never noticed this. Perhaps it’s because I’m always asleep when this happens.
  • Third, I’m gullible. I actually believe it when someone says, “Here, wear this facemask every night and you’ll sleep better, lose weight, and have a better sex life.” (The preceding is actually true; those were the words of the sleep specialist).

I realize I’m older, and to paraphrase Indiana Jones, “It’s not just the age, it’s the mileage,” but it’s amazing how every trip to the doctor leads to a battery of expensive tests, followed by an expensive prescription. Once, when the doctor couldn’t find anything specific wrong, he wrote me a prescription for a drug specifically formulated to treat a patient with a lack of symptoms.

And so it goes as we get older, yet there’s nothing we want more than to get even more olderer.

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