To Our Friends Down South

To Our American Friends:

As you know, we share a rather long border (8891 kilometers), but so far, no one has threatened to build a wall. Perhaps it is because we have a lot in common. Much of our population is just north of the border and has been used to American entertainment for the better part of a century. However, as much as we love our neighbor, we also like to think that we’ve managed to remain a bit more civilized and courteous. Perhaps it’s that Commonwealth bond that we’ve maintained with Great Britain. Mind you, we’re not stuffy—we like our back bacon and beer, and we’re not above adding “‘ay” to the end of a sentence.

In any case, given our commonality of entertainment, for nearly fifty years, we’ve been exporting actors and comedians to see if some of our more genteel habits might rub off. Here’s a partial list; please note that I did not include our younger contributions—you probably wouldn’t recognize them anyway. Here, therefore, is a sampling:

Michael J. Fox
Jim Carrey
Pamela Anderson (Not our best. Sorry.)
Rick Moranis
Martin Short
Mike Myers,
Dan Aykroyd
Eugene Levy
William Shatner
Donald Sutherland
Catherine O’Hara

So far it hasn’t helped.

Put another way, if you wish to get New Yorkers out of a swimming pool, you shout, “Everyone into the pool!” If you wish to get Californians out of the pool, shout, “Chemicals have been added to this water to kill harmful micro-organisms!” On the other hand, if you wish to get Canadians out of the pool you speak just loud enough so as to be heard, “Will everyone please leave the pool. Thank you.”

Sincerely,

Your friends in Canada

P.S. We are in no way responsible for Ted Cruz. We had no control over the actions of his parents. If you noticed, we handled the paperwork denouncing his Canadian citizenship with all do haste; we certainly did not wish for him to attempt to run for office up here.

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