Panic! Bugs! Cicadas!

The Cicadas are coming! Look to the Old North Tower for a signal! One if they are digging up from under the land, and two if they’re, uh, digging up from under the land.

About five years ago (more or less—I’m temporally [that means “with regard to time”] challenged) we had the scourge of the cicadas, but that was THOSE cicadas, not this year’s THESE cicadas, which will be a scourge of Biblical (or maybe even CNN proportions)!

Cicadas are noisy insects that most of us of see like this:


That’s not really the cicada, but the exoskeleton that splits open to allow the cicada to grow. This is less practical than humans who have our skeletons on the inside. You think it’s expensive to buy new shoes for your teenager? Imagine if over a period of seventeen years they suddenly appeared–all at once–in a much larger body. Okay, never mind, they keep reappearing in larger bodies, and it doesn’t just happen once in their first seventeen years but about every fifteen minutes. However, at least teenagers aren’t bugs with funny looking eyes. Well, at least they’re not bugs.

In any case, any moment now billions, (YES! The media reminds us, Billions—with a CAPITAL B!) will emerge from the ground, make a lot of noise, and try to devour all of our trees. They‘ll look something like this.


I’m not sure if that cicada is eating its younger sibling, some other juvenile insect, or if its appearance is just naturally gross.

Please note, though, that while I find nature, including cicadas fascinating, I’m particularly protective of all the botanical species in my little, tiny portion of this universe referred to as “my yard.” I LIKE my trees, my plants, my vegetables, and my lawn, and I am prepared to defend them against tent caterpillars, mold, fungus, and whichever seventeen-year cicadas are this year’s vintage. So, cicadas, be warned. Feel free to be as noisy as you want. I’ll accept your freedoms of speech, assembly, religion, etc.

However, you have no right to eat my trees. Remember that.

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