Pyongyang, Democratic [A Few Select] People’s Republic of [North] Korea
Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of the DPRK, held a rare press conference with western journalists today, with surprisingly candid explanations of certain recent events.
“Everything I do, I do for a good reason. You do not understand the position that I have been placed in by various imperialistic powers. It has left me with no choice but to develop nuclear weapons and ever more powerful rockets. I’ve even had to have my own half-brother killed. Do you think these things were done on a whim?
“No doubt it is the CIA, MI-6, or the infamous Buddhist death squads trying to make the DPRK look foolish.
“I’m the Supreme Leader of a nuclear power, I can wipe out half of eastern Asia, have political enemies executed but I still cannot get a decent haircut! Look at me! I look Alfalfa* attacked by a weedeater! And while we’re at it, you don’t want to know what my pedicure looks like. If I ever walked barefoot on the beach 25 million people in the DPRK, alone, would never stop laughing—not in public, mind you, but deep down inside, they’d be laughing.
“I should have known—look at my father’s hair. Neither he nor I ever spoke of it, but it was pretty hard to ignore. Imagine being a normal teenager and trying to keep a respectful straight face at the dinner table looking at a father with such a ridiculous haircut.
“Sorry I cannot stay longer, but I have weapons to develop, missiles to improve, as well as friends and relatives to eliminate. It’s a busy schedule, but that is what is expected of a supreme leader.”
* Alfalfa was a character in the 1930’s “Our Gang” series of movies.