Daily Archives: February 18, 2017

Today’s Fake Breaking News Headlines

RUSSIA

Vladimir Putin, having already mastered everything else, will star as lead dancer for the Bolshoi Ballet next season, but only for roles that require him to be without a shirt. “Every Russian loves culture,” he explained, “so it’s a natural fit. Besides, many of the techniques used in ballet are based almost entirely on the martial arts, in which I am already an expert.”

Putin went on to explain that the recent tensions between the United States and Russia are due to the accumulation of many issues. “I tried to ignore it when Al Gore claimed that he, not I, invented the internet. I tried to be a good sport when Barack Obama got the Nobel Peace Prize because he wasn’t George Bush. Hell! I’m more not George Bush than he’ll ever be! And—–and, to cap it off, my daughter is infinitely hotter than Trump’s.”