“Are you thinking about home improvements for the New Year? Are you trying to make your home more appealing for yourself or for potential buyers. Then, this message is for you.
“Hi, I’m Vladimir Putin, but you can call me Vlad. If you are thinking about fixing up the old dacha, I’m here to help.
“Russian winters are cold, so we appreciate the need for top notch windows in order to stay warm and Vlad’s award-winning windows are world famous. They are double glazed to keep the warm air in and the cold air out. Even more important, they are guaranteed to last 20 years, or for the first 10 ‘accidents’ that may befall rivals and enemies.
“Our patented oligarch-accident feature is guaranteed to pop the glass out to allow for the convenient disposal of undesirables. But wait—there’s more!
“After the body has cleared the window, the Vlad award-winning window automatically returns the glass to its proper location. There is rarely even a smudge and the action is so quick that your room will still stay toasty and warm in winter or cool in summer.
“These are especially appropriate for upper floor windows.
“So don’t delay, call today for a free estimate. And if you’re after a bargain, our low prices are especially appealing if you pay in US dollars. Call. You won’t regret it. And don’t forget to ask about our Novichok coated doorknobs to keep pesky salesmen and neighbors from interrupting your family meals.
“Tell them, Vlad sent you and use code ‘1984’ for free delivery!”