Category Archives: Celebrity

Oyay! Oyay, ye Rolling Stones!

Who would have guessed that in 1965, the most accurate prognosticators of the twenty-first century would have been the Rolling Stones?

I mean, give me a break!

“Hey, you get off of my cloud!”

Computer technology—which was quite limited in 1965—has today become so cloud dependent—forty-plus years after their warning.

More importantly, today there are hackers at every turn . . . . It’s almost eerie. How did Keith Richards and Mick Jagger know what was coming? They are the two most unlikely people . . .

Unless you’re a fan of Men in Black, in which case, that explains a lot.

On the other hand, Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones–as much as I love their acting–have always struck me as just a bit different.

Do you know what I mean?

Everybody panic! It might snow!

Buffalo, NY 2014 (Courtesy PBS)

Southeast Virginia’s TV meteorologists are in a full-blown tizzy because (gasp!) it looks like it’s going to snow. This is not necessarily bad, because TV meteorologists love to be in a tizzy over any weather event—but if you lived as boring a life as they do, wouldn’t you? The only other excoitement they get is standing outside in a storm on a live broadcast telling everyone else not to go outside.

Our neighboring states average the following annual snowfall:

West Virginia 62″

Delaware and Maryland 20.2″

North Carolina (due south of us) 7.6″

Virginia as a state averages 10.3″ per year, but the southeast (Norfolk, Virginia Beach, Hampton, Chesapeake, etc.) averages a paltry 5.8 inches, although eighty years ago, in January 1936, there was a record snowfall of 20 inches. Wow!

So, wish your television weatherman a happy blizzard, but leave quickly or risk having it all explained in great detail to you.

Elites

While we often talk about elites, we tend not to use that term. Elites are the people in any society who enjoy special privileges.

For a long time, elites were entitled to such status as a birthright, the most obvious example being royalty. If your father was King, it must be God’s will, and therefore the son must be qualified as well. Personally I don’t think God gets involved in politics, but you never know.

John Adams predicted that even though our constitution prohibited titles of royalty there would still be an elite class. He figured that those with educations would prosper, ensuring that their offspring would be afforded education and any wealth that the family had amassed, although in many cases the younger elites ended up with an education and the family debt. Nevertheless, they enjoyed the status.

The American dream is that we’re a meritocracy—anyone can achieve through ability and hard work, and sometimes this works. In fact, there have been periods in our history, such as the 1950s, when this was common, Nevertheless, it is not guaranteed.

Today, many of the elites once again obtain their status by birthright. There are many young men and women as, if not more talented, than the children of Tom Hanks, Will Smith, or the Barrymore family. However, it is the children of the elites who seem to land the acting roles. Is Eddie Van Halen’s son better than the band’s original bassist? Cheap Trick sold many albums with Bun E. Carlos as their drummer, but Rick Nielsen—the guitarist now has his son filling that spot.  Julian Lennon didn’t have to work his way up from playing wedding and bar mitzvah gigs. How many Fords have been senior executives at their namesake auto company?

Do we as a society get our best value from this practice?

Complain, Complain, Complain!

I haven’t written much lately, or at least not much for the blog. (I have been working on a story, though. For some reason, writing fiction has become more satisfying than writing about reality).  I try, when I write, to focus on the silver lining rather than the cloud. Lately, this has become most difficult.

We’ve already discussed how the news media obsesses on all things negative—or meaningless (What’s wrong with Richard Simmons? Will Johnny Depp survive the breakup? Will Caitlin decide to become Bruce once again?). Every trend dies sooner or later, except, apparently for this one. I suppose it’s because they pick the stories that sell the most erectile dysfunction prescriptions, thereby financially benefiting the media, your physician, Big Pharma, venture capitalists, and investment firms.

I propose that we start anew. First, let’s hold a memorial service for journalism. It had a short and tragic life. The first American newspapers were all opinion pieces, but there was one brief shining moment—a century or so—when factual reporting became the gold standard. Many were thrilled at its demise.

My favorite magazines—National Geographic, Wired, and Smithsonian, and National Public Radio have begun to beat me over the head with more doom and gloom. I don’t care who just wrote a book to announce that they’ve come out as gay; I’m sorry that peasants hack down the rain forests because they need to plant food; I regret that there’s a controversy in reintroducing wild wolves into areas where cattle are raised; and I find it unfortunate that while developed countries used coal in the nineteenth century, we balk at twenty-first century countries using such antiquated (but economically viable) methods.  The difference is that rising sea levels today threaten ninety percent of the world’s population because they live near the coast.

In the 1960s we had a saying, “If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.” Complaining, even if you’re a well-known television newsperson, accomplishes nothing. How do you plan to solve the problem? Like the ghost of Freddie Prinz the response seems to be, “Not my problem, man!”

So?

The Candidates (Revised)

After being politically correct for the past few weeks (some by omission), here we go.

The Clintons at the Trumps’ 2005 Wedding

 

Now that the presumptive candidates (and, they’re both quite presumptuous, thank you [rim shot—bada-bing]) are in place, the world is beginning to react.

Great Britain: “I say, old chap, do you miss King George the Third yet?”

Vladimir Putin (AKA Russia): “Of course this is all according to my plan, but I assure you that no Russian military troops were involved!”

Mexico: “Here’s our counter offer:

  1. “We are willing to pay to build a wall, but we propose a different—but better—location. The wall would be more beneficial to the citizens of both countries if it were constructed about fifty meters outside the right-hand lane of I-495, thereby encircling Washington, DC. This would help maintain control of politicians’ entry into the United States of America mainland.
  2. “The wall will be funded by charging a toll for travel through the numerous tunnels that already exist under the border between our two countries. Since the tunnels are well-engineered, structurally sound, well lit, and either paved or equipped with rail service, it should be easy to add electronic toll transponders. Of course, after the election, there may be many US citizens who will utilize the tunnels to head south in a search for a more placid place to call home, and they would be responsible for paying the toll as well. Please ensure that the EZ-Pass transponder system deposits the fees into Los Estados Unidos de Mexico National Bank.
  3. “Incidentally, we revised our immigration laws in 2011. If you’d like a copy, you can easily get it online.”

North Korea: “As a gesture of confidence in our future relations, we would be most willing to host any of your e-mail servers. I assure you that the DPRK has many well-trained computer specialists, and we would treat your computer as we would treat one of our own.”

Canada: “Hey! No way, hoser! Take off, ay? There are reasons that we prefer to be neighbors rather than family. We like our prime minister just fine, thank you, since he’s cultured and refined. Besides, our beer is much better than yours!”

To Our Friends Down South

To Our American Friends:

As you know, we share a rather long border (8891 kilometers), but so far, no one has threatened to build a wall. Perhaps it is because we have a lot in common. Much of our population is just north of the border and has been used to American entertainment for the better part of a century. However, as much as we love our neighbor, we also like to think that we’ve managed to remain a bit more civilized and courteous. Perhaps it’s that Commonwealth bond that we’ve maintained with Great Britain. Mind you, we’re not stuffy—we like our back bacon and beer, and we’re not above adding “‘ay” to the end of a sentence.

In any case, given our commonality of entertainment, for nearly fifty years, we’ve been exporting actors and comedians to see if some of our more genteel habits might rub off. Here’s a partial list; please note that I did not include our younger contributions—you probably wouldn’t recognize them anyway. Here, therefore, is a sampling:

Michael J. Fox
Jim Carrey
Pamela Anderson (Not our best. Sorry.)
Rick Moranis
Martin Short
Mike Myers,
Dan Aykroyd
Eugene Levy
William Shatner
Donald Sutherland
Catherine O’Hara

So far it hasn’t helped.

Put another way, if you wish to get New Yorkers out of a swimming pool, you shout, “Everyone into the pool!” If you wish to get Californians out of the pool, shout, “Chemicals have been added to this water to kill harmful micro-organisms!” On the other hand, if you wish to get Canadians out of the pool you speak just loud enough so as to be heard, “Will everyone please leave the pool. Thank you.”

Sincerely,

Your friends in Canada

P.S. We are in no way responsible for Ted Cruz. We had no control over the actions of his parents. If you noticed, we handled the paperwork denouncing his Canadian citizenship with all do haste; we certainly did not wish for him to attempt to run for office up here.

Mortality

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Glenn Frey

 

When John Lennon died, it was a senseless shooting. It was shocking, but it really didn’t affect me personally.

Freddie Mercury died of AIDS, which was pretty much a death sentence back in the early 90s. No one was surprised, given that Freddie Mercury was—Freddy Mercury.

Dan Peek from America died; I love their music, but have no idea what he even looked like.

David Bowie—I wasn’t a huge fan, but he was a little too close to my age when he died.

But Glenn Frey? That hits too close to home. I love listening to the Eagles, and have been known to play along with their CDs. My wife and I saw the Eagles perform, and thoroughly enjoyed it. I suspect he was a bit—shall we say—headstrong? Don Felder would probably agree with that. As Joe Walsh said, “It’s Don and Glenn’s band.” It won’t be the same, even if they try to keep things going. It’s yin without yang or heads without tails.

Plus it reminds many of us that no one lives forever.

But I will always enjoy Glenn’s music, and am glad that he left it behind for us to remember him by.