Category Archives: Humor

Virtual Flying

NOTE: I recently had shoulder surgery so I’ll be typing one handed for a while and may not blog as frequently.

I love flying–not riding in an airliner, but actually being pilot in command. However, as I’ve gotten older, it’s no longer practical. I was originally licensed as “private pilot, single-engine land.” I still qualify to fly as ‘recreational pilot,” but it would make my family nervous. Not to mention that renting an aircraft is about five times as expensive as it was when I first flew. Ouch!

The big issues over the years is that when I had spare time, I didn’t have spare money and vice-versa. Actually I’ve never really had either spare time or spare money. Sigh!

Nevertheless, in my lifetime I did learn how to fly and will be a licensed pilot for the rest of my life. Ta-da!

A few years ago, my family gave me a flight simulator as a gift, including the yoke, pedals, and throttle/lever assembly as well as the Microsoft Flight Simulator program. Wow!

Shortly thereafter, Microsoft stopped selling or supporting their flight software. Bummer!

Recently, Microsoft released a 2020 version of Flight Simulator. Yay!

I tried loading into my new lap top (circa February 2020), only to be informed that my computer wasn’t fast enough. Awww!

So, yes, I broke down and bought a real gaming computer. Ka-Ching!

My son hooked it up and I was ready to play. Hoorah!

So far, all the program seems to do is to tell me to wait while it downloads another update. Booo!

I’ll update you when I can, but this one handed typing wears me out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Satire on the Loose!

For many years, I wrote a satire column for a medical journal. No, really, I did.

I’ve decided that I am going to return to my roots. You can expect more satirical humor in this blog. It will be sophomoric in line with National Lampoon, Mad Magazine, Second City TV, and the first five years of Saturday Night Live.

Anyone wishing to contribute ideas or whatever, feel free to let me know.

– – – – – BEGIN SATIRE – – – –

(Intergalactic Press 30 July 2020) Intelligence services from more than 20 western nations have reported today that Russia is indeed involved in paying the Taliban to attack US military personnel. It is not true that the Russians want American service members killed. However, using sophisticated Russian weapons technology, any targeted American soldier will immediately develop heel spurs, making that soldier totally unsuitable for any military duties.

Senate Mitch McConnell’s office declined to comment due to his entire staff being preoccupied with an all-out search for his chin.

– – – – – END SATIRE – – – –

I promised sophomoric and delivered sophomoric.

I’m Feeling Petty (or is it Petit?)

The Supreme Court of the United States grapples with many important issues and “hands down” their rulings. “Handing down” is meant to imply something like dealing with the gods on Mount Olympus.

However, I do wonder why, when nine of the greatest(?) legal minds are put together, why do they disagree so often? Why are so many decisions 5-4?

Oh.

Silly me.

Politics.

When I took business law in college, the professor advised us never to confuse justice with fairness. The judicial system, he explained, was not fair and was merely a mechanism to resolve disagreements without resorting to duels, trial by combat, or shootouts in the street at high noon.

A pity, as resolving disputes would be far more interesting with those methods. A good shootout would be interesting to watch. The Supreme Court? Not so much.

In any case, today the Supreme Court ruled that adding “.com” to any word makes that word+”.com” copyrightable. Therefore, I’m putting all of you on notice.

Be aware that sfnowak.com is copyrighted. Don’t try to steal it. It’s illegal to do so. The Supreme Court says so. Neener neener neener!

Besides, why in the world would you want to?

Success

When I was growing up, it was still possible—and often expected—that a young man would finish high school and get a factory job with one of the automotive companies in the area. Grandpa had worked there, Dad still did, and Junior would carry on the family tradition.

Success was having a decent wage, benefits, and a pension. It was expected that there were certain trade-offs, such as losing the occasional finger to a punch press or periodically taken from work to the hospital for stitches. The work was mind-numbingly repetitious, but that was just part and parcel of the process. It was okay, though, until manufacturing moved overseas or was automated.

For other people, the self-imposed standard is higher. People study music or art, practice their chosen mode of expression throwing themselves into it, heart and soul. Imagine, after years of study and dedication:

  • The musician finds that the culmination of his talent and effort provides music for telephone callers who are placed on hold.
  • The artist, skilled in a variety of visual techniques, from oil painting to sculpting, ends up producing billboard illustrations.
  • The young model who has posed for a variety of photographs, finds that one of them shows her face on the internet with the captions “All cheaters have one thing in common.”
  • The actor, after years of stage plays in high school, college, and off-off-Broadway finally makes it as a movie only to find that most of his time is spent repeat the same lame line over and over to allow for different camera angles, the reaction of other actors, etc.

I’m grateful for what life has given me, even though (especially?) I’m not in the spotlight.

I Told You So!

Back in my healthcare days, there was a general practice physician who delivered babies, which back then was still quite common. This was long before ultrasound could provide an image of sufficient clarity to determine sex, so the reveal didn’t occur until the baby was born.

Naturally, soon-to-be parents back then were as interested in knowing as much about their child as parents are today. This physician’s solution was to tell the mother during a routine prenatal visit that her baby was a boy. At the same time, he’d write in her chart “girl.”

After the birth, if it was a boy, he’d say, “I told you so.” If it was a girl, he’d show her the entry in the chart.

[If I had a clever segue, it would go here.]

I have been trying to avoid most of the alleged news–and that refers to every single outlet, from ABC to Zee in India because my blood pressure is high enough already, thank you. The news reports are:

  • The COVID-19 pandemic will be around for years if not centuries.
  • We’ll have a vaccination in a few months and COVID-19 will be obliterated.
  • Mail-in ballots suffer from voter fraud.
  • Some states have been using mail-in ballots with no problems; the President and his Press Secretary vote by mail and have done so for years..
  • The economy is great–look at the stock market.
  • The economy is terrible–look at unemployment.

Like that old doctor, I think the only thing to believe is the news media is positioning itself to be able to say, “I told you so.”

Yes, But Is It Funny?

Humor is the ability to lead the reader or listener down one thought and suddenly surprise them with a hard left turn.

A priest, a Rabbi, and a Protestant minister walk into a bar.
“What is this,” the bartender asks, “some kind of a joke?”

Today, with everything going on in the world, it’s hard to think of anything funny to write about, especially if one tries to avoid rubbing salt into somebody’s emotional wounds.

I have desperately tried to find the humor in things, but lately have failed.

As soon as I think of something humorous, I’ll write about it.

COVID-19 Special Circumstances

Some of the rules for avoiding COVID-19 have the usual confusing special circumstances that need clarifying:

Is it okay to touch your face when you’re in the shower?

Speaking of showers, do you need to wash your hands before taking a shower, after taking a shower, or both?

Do couples who live together and sleep in the same bed need to stand six-feet apart in public to avoid being criticized?

If your family has more than 10 members living in the same house, do number 11 and above have to leave and find somewhere else to live?

Sorry, I may be getting silly after self-isolating, but so far I’m still healthy!

Make Me Laugh

We’re all getting a bit squirrely being stuck at home–especially if you have kids–trying to telework, and being bombarded by  the continuing banter of the various experts predicting the future. It’s difficult to find humor in the situation, but I’ll try.

Maintaining social distance—-“I now pronounce you husband and wife.” Turning to the groom, he continued, “You may now wave at your wife who is an appropriate six-feet away.”

If restaurants reopen, wait staff will have to wear masks and use disposable menus—–“Who was that masked waiter?”
“I don’t know, but he left this silver tip tray.”

A politician, an elected official, and a cable news personality walked into a bar. The bartender looked at them and asked, “Is this a joke?”
One of them replied, “Nope, just business as usual.”

 

The Blog Must Go On!

Here’s the deal. The storms that were supposed to be west of us didn’t follow the forecasters directions and went through here this morning. The winds were incredible. In my backyard, they snapped off the top 20 feet of a tree (including any branches with leaves) and dropped it on my fence. We can’t let the dog out because he has a habit of running and exploring until he gets in trouble, then he comes home.

Similar occurrences in other nearby neighborhoods managed to take out the electrical feeds. It’s 80 degrees outside with no air conditioning. I have a generator, which is powering the refrigerators, a light or two, some fans, but not much more.

I’m typing this on my laptop with a kerosene lamp to be able to see the keys–just like young Abe Lincoln did so many years ago. Nevertheless, as in show business, the blog must go on! Without further ado –today’s blog.

I know there are a lot of phony conspiracy theories floating around, but a few of them are almost true.

For example, it’s not 5G that causes coronavirus, it’s coronavirus that causes 5G. As people first became infected with COVID-19, suddenly strange cell telephone towers appeared mysteriously. AT&T called Verizon and asked if they were responsible. Verizon denied it and AT&T reiterated that the towers weren’t theirs.

Sprint called T-Mobile and accused them of erecting the towers. T-Mobile’s CEO was so irritated at being falsely accused that he immediately bought Sprint out of spite. (Spite is one of the many small islands of Langerhans.)

Nevertheless, as COVID-19 spread, the towers continued to mysteriously appear. No one knows where they come from.

Admit it! It’s a conspiracy! There are two choices, join in and have fun or deny. It’s up to you.

As for me, if the conspirators provide doughnuts in the morning and hors de oeuvres in the evening (and rumor says they do), I’m  in.

NOTE: ANY ERRORS ARE NOT THE RESPONSIBILITY OF THE AUTHOR BUT ARE DUE TO INSUFFICIENT ILLUMINATION FROM A KEROSENE LAMP.

Pointless Easter Questions

Why are the ears of a chocolate rabbit a delicacy when the whole confection is made of the exact same chocolate?

Did you ever hide Easter eggs so well that they weren’t found until the lawn mower hit them?

Wouldn’t Easter be more interesting if instead of ham or lamb, the traditional meal was rabbit?*

What do peeps (marshmallow chicks) have to do with Easter?

In this time of COVID-19 and its side effect–especially cabin fever from self isolation–I wish everyone a happy Easter. To my Jewish friends chag Pesach sameach and as Ramadan approaches,  salaam to my Muslim friends.

 

 

*It’s delicious.

Numeralocracy

The Target Breach, By the Numbers — Krebs on Security

There is somebody, somewhere–or more likely a whole group of somebodies–who define laws dealing with numbers. I’m not talking about the Pythagorean Theorem or natural logarithms. I’m talking about people who decide important numbers for the rest of us. These do not appear to be based on science, religion, or anything else–you know exactly what I mean.

An early American example is that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. We tend to blame that one on Ben Franklin, who also started the US Postal Service. Coincidence? I think not.

Who decided we need to drink 8 glasses of water a day?  If we’re talking about 12 ounce glasses, that’s a gallon and a half. Correct or not, where did the number come from.

A cup is 8 ounces, unless we’re talking about coffee makers, in which case a cup is 5 ounces.*

We’re told that dogs always turn around 3 times before lying down. My dog must be mathematically challenged, because–based on actual, real-life observations–the number of turns seems to depend on how tired or bored he is.

Then, of course, there’s the salacious seven-year itch. Is this a warning or an excuse for how people behave after 7 years of marriage?

Forget the New World Order, the Illuminati, the Knights Templar, the military-industrial complex, or even the Mafia. The real power is held by the people who control the numbers.

You have been warned!

 

* Imagine the riots and violence if everyone were limited to 5 ounces of coffee at a time.

Do Not Feed the Living Languages!

Language changes with the times. This is why the Romance languages, that is those that evolved from Rome’s Latin, eventually differentiated into French, Spanish, Italian, etc. In times such as ours, there are many changes due to advances in technology, or even threats like the novel corona virus.

When I was in school, we were taught that words were categorized by gender while people were described by sex. Sometime, oddly enough either during or shortly after the Sexual Revolution, someone decided that using the words people and sex together was unsightly, offensive, or something. People suddenly were categorized by gender, just like words.

By doing so, even your great-great-aunt Prudence wouldn’t be offended. Of course she grew up referring to people by sex and probably lived on a farm on which the animals repeatedly engaged in scandalous behavior.

In any case, we have it all modernized.

However, in other languages the gender and word thing didn’t go away. The Romance languages still assign a gender to nouns as do the German language. In German, a fork is feminine, a spoon masculine and a knife neutral.

We still have vestiges of the gender comment in modern English. A ship, for example, is referred to as she.

But what’s important is that we keep people and sex apart.*

 

I wonder if any guy has told his significant other, “Wow! You look really gendery tonight?”

 

Form Follows Function – Sort of

There are huge misunderstandings about many of the marvels that inhabit our everyday lives. They were not invented for the purpose that we are led to believe. Instead, they are some kind of cruel joke imposed on us by–well someone, but I’m not sure who.

With all of the labor saving devices we buy, you’d think that we’d be spared from any and all household chores. Instead, we spend as much time washing, cleaning, vacuuming, and cooking as grandma and great grandma did. In fact, the workload has gone up so that it is now expected that both adults devote most their timer at home to the effort.

Each of the following are believed to be labor savings conveniences:

The microwave was invented to encourage people to purchase packaged foods loaded with salt, sugar, and fat.

The crockpot was designed to remove all flavor from food and give it the consistency of soggy cardboard.

Perhaps the most fun the engineers had was with the dishwasher. Although it does clean dishes and cookware, its original purpose was to repeatedly bruise shins.

Now that you know, take appropriate protective measures.

It Shouldn’t Be Complicated

In my ongoing effort to needlessly complain about modern life, may I present the next chapter —- the bathroom.

Like everybody (or, at least, almost everybody) else my parents managed to teach me how to properly deal with my personal effluvia before I went to college. At home, it was the porcelain toilet (or as Archie Bunker would say, “terlet”) with the seat adapter for small derrieres, the little step, etc. I figured I was golden.

My father bought a small, swampy piece of land near Lake Erie and built a cottage. He built a boat–a great story for another time–which was tied up out front (COOL!). However, the cottage was originally one room, ergo, no indoor plumbing. However, my aunt and uncle, who had built a year-round house next door graciously let us use their outhouse (EWWWWW!). That was almost enough for me to backslide–but I didn’t. Things putted along normally through the 1950s, 1960’s and into the 1970’s.

I forget what the original reason was, but in the 1970s, there was a huge move to save water. People would put a brick into the tank on the back of their toilets to reduce the amount of water per flush. The mantra was “If it’s yellow, let it mellow. If it’s brown, flush it down.” When visiting someone, it was awkward–do you flush, or not?

Things settled back in, briefly, then high-tech public restrooms became de rigeuer. Self flushing toilets–which scared the you-know-what out of youngsters when the toilet kept flushing as they sat there.

Then, automatic faucets, automatic soap dispensers, automatic towels, and automatic doors took over. The problem is that no two bathrooms are alike, hence I find myself holding my hands under a faucet with a handle or trying to find the handle on an automatic faucet. It’s the same for soap, towels, etc.

If there’s one bodily function that should not be intimidating—you get the idea.

If you’ll excuse me, I need to, you know.

Life Is Too Complicated

In order to ignore the brouhaha–or is it a kerfuffle–that dominates the news, I will focus my blogs on the curves that life throws at us normal people. Let’s start with parking.

When I started to drive, except for the shopping centers (now called strip malls–or that now outdated?) parking was on the street. In order to park, you had to parallel park. Parallel, as in parallel to the curb.

Parallel parking was part of the drivers license AND the part that everyone feared. It isn’t really all that hard, and on very rare occasions I still get to use my parallel parking skills.

However, things got more complicated. Besides parking spots near the door reserved for the handicapped (logical) and pregnant mothers (also quite logical), there are now reserved spots for customers who are there to pick up an order, employee of the year/month/week/day/hour, etc. In some cases, standard parking is in the next county.

I suspect, but can’t prove that the lines defining parking spots have been moved closer. In any case, many cars–especially SUVs and pickup trucks– occupy every last inch within the lines. This is fine, until you park next to one and try to open your door. I guess that’s why so many vehicles have sunroofs.

Then there’s the final straw–large vehicles with rearview mirrors that significantly extend from the truck body. On a rainy or snowy day, it is possible–although unlikely–to find a good parking spot. This does not necessarily mean that the walk to the door is short. Instead, it is often necessary to walk a circuitous path in order to find a space between cars with enough room to walk without the risk of decapitation by the interlocking mirrors.

Hide and Seek

Courtesy, the Punchbowl.net

Like most others, as I get older, I regularly suffer from CRS*. I’m not yet to the point where I can hide my own Easter Eggs, but I do find that I’ll walk into a room and wonder, “Why did I come here?”

I’ve decided that instead of complaining, I’ll make a game of it. For example, when I open the refrigerator door with the intent of getting a particular item, often I forget. I scan the shelves, hoping to remind myself what it was that I wanted.

It’s kind of like playing the childhood game of “I Spy,” only I get to play both the person who is looking for the item and the one who selected it.

It’s actually not that much fun, but sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do.

 

*Can’t Remember Shit Stuff”

The Quirky Brain

Courtesy US Army

The human brain is a wonderful creation, able to provide understanding, to critically evaluate ideas in order to separate fact from fiction, and even convey emotions. It does, however, have its flaws.

Our brains try to make order out of  chaos, but in the process often make chaos into–well–other chaos. A few examples:

  • People complain about how a lost item is always in the last place they look. Naturally this is true; when one finds what they were looking for, they stop looking.
  • When an overwhelming tragedy occurs, we try to find a reason. If we cannot find one, we make one up. It makes no sense that President John F. Kennedy was killed by one wacko acting alone. There MUST be a better reason–a conspiracy that is being covered up. This is a more satisfying answer, even if not necessarily true.
  • We prefer to hear people propose simple answers to every problem, even incredibly complex ones. If the solution begins with, “All you have to do is just . . . .” it must be a good solution.

 

Politics As Usual

I actually do try not to pick sides as the brouhaha in Washington, DC continues.

Remember that very old riddle?

Q: How can you tell when politicians are lying?
A: Their lips are moving.

I’m old enough to have watched (and, believe it or not, still remember) the Watergate hearings. That was when Earl Landgrebe (R, Indiana) said: “Don’t confuse me with the facts. I’ve got a closed mind. I will not vote for impeachment. I’m going to stick with my president even if he and I have to be taken out of this building and shot.”

Try to imagine the members of Congress as scientists debating a mathematical theorem.

“2 + 2 = 5, and don’t try to convince me otherwise!”

“No, it’s 6 and your mother wears combat boots!”*

Never mind, it takes more imagination than I can muster.

 

* Actually, not at all unusual these days–Ladies, thank you for your service.

Nature’s Majesty Is Better at a Distance

Wild animals are majestic. They are beautiful.

I lived in Wyoming, and I admit, the antelope were awesome—until you saw them up close. Like humans, they were—to say the least—imperfect. Their fur tended to hang in clumps and they smelled, well, nasty. There was a golf course at F. E. Warren Air Force Base and the antelope enjoyed standing in the middle of the course because: a) they knew they could not be molested, and; b) they loved to show humans who was in charge.

Okay, let’s make it more inclusive. Seagulls look almost like something a poet would have described at a distance. Have you seen them up close? They are sea-going pigeons. Attractive? Not so much.

Then, there are the magnificent, imperious Canadian Geese

Or, as I often refer to them, rats with feathers.

Although they are picturesque, they leave a trail of green fecal matter anywhere within 2 ¾ miles of their presence. They attack anyone who comes near them, block traffic while the flock slowly strolls across a street. With the global warming that supposedly isn’t happening, they no longer migrate as far as they once did. In some cases, such as here in Virginia, they’ve become a year-round fixture.

I recently saw a vehicle that belonged to a “Canadian Goose management company.” A quick search on the internet brought up quite a few companies that advertise that they will remove the geese from parks, parking lots, private property, etc.

It’s about time.

Next, we need protection from those incorrigible chipmunks!

Thoughts on DC

I recently spent some time in our nation’s capital. I hate the traffic, so I usually rely on the Metro, taxis, or Uber. This time I decided to walk to various places and take in the sights and think of weird things:

Washington, DC tries to discourage driving, so many people use scooters, bicycles, and skateboards to get around. Naturally, there are also joggers. However, in the residential areas there are a lot of brick sidewalks, which tend to be uneven. Was this by accident, a cruel joke, or a business move by orthopedic surgeons?

Television coverage of the district includes lots of people yelling and screaming at one another. However, when walking, people rarely greet anyone they don’t know. On the other hand, when driving, they LOVE using their car horns. I guess it reminds them of yelling and screaming.

There are quaint row houses, with many of them being quite old. We stayed in one (AirBnB) during a family trip, and they are quite nice albeit expensive. It was amazing how many were being gutted and the whole interior rebuilt–not just remodeled. I guess if you can afford to buy one, you can afford to hollow out the inside and completely rebuild

As nice as those homes are, I noticed that many have bars on the doors and windows. The bars could be for security, or maybe the bars are to help the politicians who live in them feel right at home