This is an official request to NASA to conduct exploration of a mysterious world that we know exists, but is beyond my comprehension. It is well reported in the media–especially online–so its existence is irrefutable.
The people in this world live unimaginable lives, but someone believes it’s imperative that their activities are reported to everyone. These include:
The real estate transactions of multi-million dollar homes
The reliance on automobiles that cost more than all the houses on my block
Changes in the color of their hair or style of dress
Behavior that would result in arrest and deep shame for most people
The media would have us believe that this world exists in the same metaphysical plane as us, but I’m not convinced. In any case, it is bizarre and may represent a clear and present danger to most of us.
I’m not a conspiracy buff, but in this case I believe the media will try to bury this story by attributing it to actors, actresses, singers, financial experts, and politicians. Don’t be fooled!
As regular readers know, I am not much of a sports fan. After Chuck Ealey was relegated to the Canadian league (my Northern-North America friends got a great quarterback) I lost almost all interest. Then, when I lived in the Cleveland area and Art Modell moved the Browns to Baltimore, I was pretty much done and over with sports.
However, I must wax poetic.
Professional sports pay people obscene amounts of money for their physical prowess and effort. Most sports take inborn physical abilities, training, and practice, practice, practice. Being a professional athlete is the physical equivalent of being a Jesuit.
However, I always thought it was a stretch to consider auto racing a sport. To me it’s more technology; you build a vehicle that can do phenomenal things, get inside, then drive fast and turn left {repeat}.
In my opinion, billiards was pushing it and I thought it was beyond the pale when ESPN featured poker, until they advised that the “E” stood for “entertainment.” There explanation was a stretch, but, okay.
However, now that video games–VIDEO GAMES–are not only a “sport” but being proposed as a high school athletic program . . . Wait!
I hereby designate blogging as a professional sport, or will as soon as the city builds me an appropriate blogging stadium, grants me tax free status, and arranges for network coverage.
Let me know when I can pick out my $9 million sports car and my $100 million mansion. In the meantime, if you want something, call my agent.
As anyone who has read my blog for very long knows that I am the antithesis of a sports fan, so all the hype about the Superbowl doesn’t excite me.
Instead, here are my (naturally) sarcastic comments:
1. Football is a truly American sport. The rest of the world plays a totally different kind of football, which we call soccer. Americans view OUR football to be infinitely superior to that other game.
2. In American football, the players are active for about 30 seconds, then everything stops. If there is a switch between offense and defense the entire team is traded out. If the football is going to be kicked, some of the team is traded out. In soccer, players play for 45 minutes, take a short break, then play for another 45 minutes. Individual players may be exchanged from time to time.
3. In American football, there are automatic timeouts after certain plays and each team has three timeouts per half that can be used at the team’s discretion. In soccer, the only timeouts occur after a serious injury.
4. In American football, players wear equipment roughly equivalent to the body armor used in Operation Desert Storm/Shield. In soccer, the players are protected by shin guards.
5. In spite of all the protective gear, American football players have a high incidence of traumatic brain injury.
6. Tickets for either type of football are expensive; Superbowl tickets are reported to average $4,000 each–and those are the cheap seats.
7. And, finally, as a good old American game, the Superbowl will be played in a stadium with the name of a good old American company–Mercedes Benz.
The big thing today is bare-knuckle boxing–a throwback to the days when women were expected to stay home, and prohibited from voting; when horse manure in the street was normal and every house smelled like stale cigars, and brass spittoons (or tin cans for the less affluent) were standard furnishing.*
As a philosopher-at-large, I should claim that this was fully expected, but unfortunately, I was blinded by my faith in the human species. Sorry about that.
Honest disclosure–I never thought two people trying to beat each other up was entertainment. I was never a fan of schoolyard bullies, bar fights, gang fights, or boxing. I never watched professional wrestling–even though we all know it is choreographed ballet for muscle-bound males.
In any case, at a time in which everyone over the age of three has their own smartphone; when cars drive themselves with the same skill as humans (“Lookout, we’re gonna crash and die!”); we have suddenly become fascinated with 19th century sports.
Don’t get me wrong, The 19th century gave us many things, including, including some of the best paintings, sculpture, and literature. Fisticuffs, on the other hand, is not on my list of positive accomplishments.
However, we seem to have an overdeveloped fascination with beating one another senseless.
How weird is that?
* I remember the tin can behind the couch at my grandparents’ house—–yuck—–never mind.
I noticed that the story about the UCLA jocks who were arrested for shoplifting in China disappeared pretty quickly. Some stories stay on the Internet news sites as “Breaking News” for weeks, but not this one.
I wonder why.
You had to love the press conference that was arranged for their public apology where they were all wearing matching UnderArmour shirts with the UCLA logo.
Do you think they all might have stopped to buy those shirts together at the campus bookstore? I’m not saying the company gave them to the school, who then gave them to the ball players. But, then again . . . .
What if, instead of jocks, this incident had involved science, technology, engineering and mathematics students? Would the President have gone to the Chinese leader and asked for them to be released?
Silly question:
Chinese e-commerce giant Alibaba would never invite boring science, technology, engineering, and mathematics students for an all-expense paid trip to China.
Those are the kind of people who know that it’s wrong to steal sunglasses from anybody on any continent for any reason.
Newly remodeled Football Hall of Remembrance opens to celebrate Traumatic Brain Injury.
SATIRE AFFILIATED PRESS
CANTON, OHIO 11 September 2035
Although American style football has been banned, the Football Hall of Remembrance—formerly the Football Hall of Fame—is still a popular tourist attraction. It’s remodeling was recently completed and the familiar football roof is now surmounted by an artist’s conception of traumatic brain injury. Over the front door, the entryway features a bronze relief of a player being carted off the field after, as they used to say, “Having his bell rung.”
While the exhibits still include trophies, helmets, jerseys, and other game paraphernalia, it’s the preserved brain tissue and MRI scans that are today’s favorite. Visitors can view the pathology, then try to guess to which famous player the brain once belonged. Pressing a touch screen, the player’s name, teams, scores, and number of concussions is displayed. Original plans included videos of interviews with former players, but many could no longer communicate, being content to babble incoherently, or stop mid-sentence with, “What did you just ask me?”
Taking a page from big tobacco’s playbook, the industry insisted for years that football was not dangerous; eventually there were too many injuries at the high school, university, and professional levels to ignore. Professional teams found that medical insurance costs exceeded revenues—even if the revenue from sale of team products like hats and jerseys are included. With the profits gone, most owners took their investments elsewhere. Unfortunately, this left many cities with substantial debt for stadiums they built. Many are crumbling and have been condemned because of the degree of deterioration; there’s reason to repair them and no money to tear them down. Universities initially expected a huge financial crisis, but found that the sport had actually not been a money maker, in terms of real cash, but a huge annual loss. Without football many universities were able to improve facilities and pay teachers better.
Football, is gone, but not forgotten—except by those who played the game and had their bells rung too many times.
I often wish that my blogs would lend themselves to more pictures. I’m not a bad photographer, and some blogs are full of sunsets, beach scenes, Grand Lake up in the Rockies, or whatever. Mine—not so much.
I’ve been going through some physical therapy for some old injuries. The therapy has actually worked better than a variety of drugs that have been prescribed in the past. However, for it to work, I need to be consistent in my follow through. It struck me, that if there’s a common theme in life, that’s it.
How do you get to Carnegie Hall?
Practice! Practice! Practice!
It’s true of music, physical fitness, painting, even math or science. (Do YOU remember how to solve a quadratic equation? We all learned how in high school.)
Calvin Coolidge was not one of our more noteworthy presidents, being known as “Silent Cal.” However, he did leave us with a great thought:
Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan ‘Press On’ has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.
Calvin Coolidge 30th president of US (1872 – 1933)
It was a soccer tournament weekend, and I either learned, or figured out some things about soccer.
First, there should be no surprise as to the charges of corruption aimed at the FIFA—the International Federation of Association Football (French: Fédération Internationale de Football Associatione).
Soccer is the most capricious and arbitrary sport known to man.
The laws of the game, like federal, state, and local laws are poorly understood, which leaves room for officials at the game to interpret them any way they please. There is no requirement to be consistent, so the rules can be applied differently on different occasions, for different teams, or because the referee just felt like it. Even at the professional level, there is no review of the instant replay, because between 97.5 percent and 99 percent of all soccer calls are wrong. This means that it would be physically impossible to ever complete even a single game—it would be call, review, change, call, review, change.
Theoretically, soccer games are played for a set period of time. Adults play for two 45 minute halves, with younger players having shorter time periods. However, at tournaments, to keep things on schedule, the halves are shortened, usually to 30 minutes. There are no timeouts; if a player is injured, referees can add time at the end, if they feel like it—or not.
This particular tournament had 30 minute halves for the first game. The second game had a 35 minute first half, and a 38 ½ minute second half. I’m not sure if this is related to Einstein’s theory (Five minutes with a pretty girl passes faster than five minutes sitting on a hot stove) or because the referees had cheap watches. In any case, the flow of time was fluid throughout the entire event.
Finally, when the home team was playing, the visitors were awarded copious penalties, including five yellow cards and two red cards. The home team was not so harshly judged.
So there you have it:
Rules no one thoroughly understands
No oversight for those enforcing the rules
An enthusiasm for randomness
A casual relationship with time
A new meaning for the term “Home Field Advantage”
Now you know why it’s the world’s most popular sport.
If you’re a new parent, or expect to be a parent someday, here is some information you will need.
In America kids play soccer. In the rest of the world, kids play football, sometimes called futbol. They’re all the same.
Don’t confuse this with American football. American football players, each wear more protective gear than an entire Marine battalion in combat; they “play” for about 15 seconds by banging into one another, usually ending up in a pile on the ground. After that there’s a three minute pause while officials take measurements and the teams reposition themselves for the next play. If it’s professional, college, or whatever and televised add several additional minutes for advertisements. The football is occasionally kicked, but more often it is thrown by hand.
American football players are generally from America, often recruited from American colleges where they played as highly paid amateurs. After playing American football for a few years, most players suffer enough head trauma so as to forget whatever they learned in college, the fact that they ever went to college, and the fact that they aren’t supposed to drool.
American football is divided into four quarters, each of which lasts 15 minutes, but the timer is stopped at the end of certain plays, when a team calls for a time out, for station identification and commercials, or for review of instant replays. The last five minutes of the fourth quarter usually lasts several hours.
In soccer, the players also wear protective gear—shin guards. The game is divided into two halves; for adults, each half lasts 45 minutes. The players play for the entire half, running approximately 250 miles during the average game. Except in cases of extremely serious injury (e.g. missing limb, sucking chest wound), the halves last 45 minutes. In case of rain, snow, or extreme heat, the halves last 45 minutes. Lightning is the one exception; lightning strikes tend to take out entire teams, the spectators, and tend to ruin the expensive soccer balls.
Professional soccer players are international—this means that they are not necessarily from the country where they play soccer. They may not speak the local language, or even knew that the football club, city, or country where they play existed before arriving. Because of such issues, hand signals are used for official rulings and severe penalties are communicated by colored cards. Yellow means, “You better watch it, Bub.” Red means “Yer outta here, and your team can’t send in a substitute.”
Most American kids do play soccer but don’t go on to play professional soccer the way their American football counterparts do. Professional soccer is not as profitable because after supporting children’s soccer, soccer parents cannot afford to attend professional sports matches or live in decent neighborhoods. In fact, if soccer uniforms, travel, and gas for the car were allowed to be deducted for tax purposes, most soccer families would qualify for food stamps.
But if their kids go to college, they’ll remember that they went, and much of what they learned, even if that material in Economics 101 evaporated shortly after the final exam was completed.
You may be out there on stage bopping with the best of them. However, that song, Time Is On My Side? You may have spoken a few decades prematurely.
SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA – NOVEMBER 12: Mick Jagger and Keith Richards of The Rolling Stones perform live at Allphones Arena on November 12, 2014 in Sydney, Australia. (Photo by Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images)
This past weekend was what some call a “soccer weekend.” Others call it a “Crime against Humanity” prohibited by the Geneva Convention. Why do I say this?
First, no matter how much you love soccer, until they make disposable soccer (excuse “football”) shoes (excuse me “boots”) there are flaws in the system. Soccer is unlike baseball where teams take turns and the speed of play is determined by the pitcher. Some compare it to American football in which there’s a play lasting less than a minute, followed by a period of rearranging.
Soccer is played in halves, which depending on age last anywhere from thirty minutes to forty-eight hours, depending on age. (Those age groups that involve walkers take considerably longer and are regularly interrupted by cardiac emergencies). There are no time-outs in soccer unless there is a significant injury to a player–and I mean there better be pulsating arterial blood or fixed and dilated pupils.
Now, take roughly a dozen teenagers, who already exude vast quantities of eau de hormone, and have them play three or four games WITHOUT BENEFIT OF A WASHING MACHINE!
Just as no good deed goes unpunished, evil people seek opportunities. With soccer, it was like Khan in Star Trek, quoting from Moby Dick . “From hell’s heart I stab at thee; for hate’s sake I spit my last breath at thee. When you are exhausted and the calendar predicts a three day weekend, a soccer tournament I send unto thee…”
Mick,years ago I tried to face such things with at least a modicum of grace and acknowledge, “Well, I’m not twenty anymore.”
It’s not a large a leap to, “…not thirty anymore.” But now, when I have to say, “I’m not sixty anymore,” let’s just say that time may not be on my side.
However, while you’re preparing for your next tour, I’ve made it home. My son’s team placed second, and life is good.
The Persistence of Memory Salvador Dali (and his mustache) Courtesy about.com
Fortunately, I’m past those that deal with dating, on-and-off relationships, and other unsure bets. I am the embodiment of the line from When Harry Met Sally, “Promise me I’ll never be out there again.”
Especially given some of the strange rituals that accompany the process these days. Speed-dating? Really?
Apparently you sit with a person of whichever sex interests you for a very brief period of time—as in minutes—and try to learn enough about the other person to determine if he or she might be worth more time (apparently if that other person has the same opinion of you).
Imagine my horror when I realized that having two teenagers at home is just like speed-dating my wife. We have five minutes in the morning before we each head in different directions.
“When did you say Katie’s trip was?”
“Did I hear something about a soccer tournament for Adam?”
“I’ll have to get back to you on that.”
“Wait, did you pay the credit card bill?”
“Call me.”
“No you call me, maybe we can do lunch.”
I’m going to go down to the office supply store and get a couple of those “Hello, My name is:” stickers, and a letter of introduction from some high and lofty personage, and see if that….
What if people engaged in one field used the business model of another? Something like accountants who not only do your taxes, but go on tour. I call this jobxtaposition; for my first jobxtaposition, let me introduce Aesop Lee Bailey, Philosopher for Hire.
Mr. Bailey, I wasn’t aware that philosophers were in such demand. I thought the only market would be to teach college freshman.
“Well, that has an element of truth, you see, but as a philosopher, I gave it a great deal of thought, and realized that one needs to guide people when it comes to certain services certain services. People didn’t realize that they needed designer sneakers costing hundreds of dollars until professional athletes made them aware of their need. I decided to look at a profession whose model would fit philosophy and adopt it—or should I say adapt it? Hmmm. I’ll have to give that some thought.”
So which professional business model did you decide to emulate?
“I initially thought about the clergy since the fields have so much in common, but the profit margin is absolutely abysmal.
“I finally decided on the business model used by lawyers. In days past, when we had a disagreement, we’d sit down and discuss it; lawyers convinced everyone that litigation was a better solution. Don’t like the neighbors’ dog? Don’t talk to the neighbor, take them to court. Did the school not eliminate every peanut down to the molecular level for a five mile radius? File a suit.
“The next advantage was the flexibility. If a client wishes to engage my services, the client chooses the subject and tells me whether I should be pro or con. Unlike amateur philosophers, I am not married to a particular idea or set of values. A client walks in and says, ‘I want to hire you to think up new things about global warming.’ I can then ask, ‘As a supporter or a cynic?'”
So how do charge a customer for your services?
“Billable hour. I charge by the hour in ten-minute increments, or any portion thereof. If I sit in a quiet room, I can sometimes dedicate two or three hours. Research is required, of course, so time spent reading, and of course thinking about what I’ve read is included.
“I do charge a premium for an epiphanies, which seem to occur suddenly while I’m in the shower. I figure that not only am I due the premium, but also portal-to-portal—from As with lawyers, the legal fees are one charge, and the expenses another.”
What kind of expenses do philosophers encounter?
“Well there are the usual things—paper, pens, and such, but all of the great philosophers have done their best work while drinking. Lofty ideas call for a fine wine or brandy, while blithering can be accomplished with nothing more than a pint of porter and a handful of bar mix.
“There’s one more part of the lawyers’ business model that’s useful. If an idea I think of for a client has commercial value, I receive one-third of the gross.”
Well, Mr. Bailey, I want to thank you for your time. I’m sure my readers will enjoy your unique approach.
“It’s been a pleasure.
“Oh, wait a minute…….. Here’s your bill, and please note the a surcharge since you didn’t buy me a drink.”
I marched in the band in high school and college, and enjoyed every second of it. (Well, there probably was a second here and there when I didn’t, but I don’t remember them.)
I can understand the old joke that football stadiums’ primary purpose is for the marching band. (For a great perspective listen to Jack Stamp https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mw4vqll9cAM).
I won’t belabor you with my opinionated comments. I’ll let these statements speak for themselves.
The morning news said that the national college championship game yesterday was attended by eighty thousand with the average ticket price being nine hundred dollars.
Members of the marching bands had transportation and lodging provided. They had great seats and paid nothing.
Marching band counts as a class with credit toward graduation.
Marching band members do not have to deal with 250 pound guys from the other school repeatedly grabbing and tackling them!
As you know, I’m not much of a sports fan. I also think that most sports teams have strange names.
“The Mighty Ducks?” It’s a good thing it’s not a theological college, or else it might have been “The Almighty Ducks!”
In college I had a nodding interest in football since I was in marching band at the University of Toledo. Toledo’s mascot was “The Rockets—not too bad, really. I thought Kent State University had the weirdest nickname – “The Golden Flashes”; the band cheer when playing Kent was, “What the hell’s a golden flash?”
But then I did my graduate studies at the University of Akron – the home of the “Zips.”
I understand the Washington football team’s problem. Imagine if they were the “Honkies?” – or “the Micks”, “the Wops”, or “the United States Congress!” However, if they are dead set on keeping the name “Redskins” all they have to do is
(Wait for it)
Change the graphics to redskin peanuts!
Imagine the sports commentators, being able to say such things as:
“Well, Washington’s offensive strategy is a typical nut job once again this week.”
“The quarterback is getting ready to pass! There goes the Peanut into the pocket!”
“The Peanuts sacked the Browns quarterback!”
“Washington is favored by at least 7 points against the Ravens, so it’s fair to say that the Ravens are suffering from a severe case of Peanuts envy.”
With the mess the world is in, there are probably some things you would prefer to never think about. My list keeps changing. Here are two I added today:
The color brown. As the proud owner of a Y chromosome, I look at things in a manly way through a man’s eyes. As such, I know there are eight colors. How do I know this? In kindergarten, the box of Crayolas had eight colors. There was no peach, because peach is a fruit, not a color. I did have a problem reconciling the fact that there was violet, but no purple. I attribute that to purple being in the witness protection program.
There was, however, brown. Brown is one of the eight (and only eight) chosen ones. It should be treated as sacrosanct.
Today, I noticed that UPS has copyrighted brown. How can they do that? It’s a color! It’s an earth tone, so it certainly existed as a color before the first amino acids combined to form basic organic molecules.
But then, brown might be entering the witness protection program, and this is a cover story.
There is a new focus on gay rodeo riders.
I once lived in Cheyenne, Wyoming and was very involved in Frontier Days, THE rodeo.
However, when somebody gets on two thousand pounds of angry bull.
When he’s hanging onto a rope with one hand as the bull jumps and twists.
When a winner is someone who can stay on the bull for eight (count them – eight) seconds.
I really don’t care one way or another about the rider’s sexual orientation (or for that matter, the bull’s)
The speaker was bemoaning the fact that it’s unfair that college students who play “those other” sports get athletic scholarships just like those who play football and basketball.
They don’t bring in any money! Why should they get a scholarship?
Yeah!
And while we’re at it, those pesky geeks who get academic scholarships? What’s with that?
Is time for Olympic Games here in Sochi! Please ignore the fact that the snowboard course is lethal, after all, what good is a sport if there isn’t the risk of death or serious injury? You Americans who love NASCAR races and NFL football should appreciate that. Can you say, “Traumatic brain injury?” Da! Very good.
Some you of you have commented on our tandem toilets. These are not joke! We believe that these add to the competitive spirit and the appeal of the games. Pictures is worth many thousands words. Look at happy athletes!
The Guardian – UK
Then there are you who have checked into your hotels and not been satisfied. On behalf of Soviet – I mean Russian peoples I apologize. We will make sure that you receive your towels as soon as possible. Unfortunately, the furniture and fixtures may take a little longer, and the missing hotel roofs are on back order. So as to not inconvenience normal people, we are intending to assign deviant gay personages to the rooms without roofs. See, we are modern thinking!
We are insure your safety. If you hear gunfire or explosion, please know is only celebration or stray dog removal. Not to worry. Stay away from windows and if convenient, go under bed. You are safe, not like living in Oakland or Detroit. Only drive-by shootings here will be Cossack security, and they’re on YOUR side!
Tonight sleep! Tomorrow enjoy games! Be happy! Spend money!
As you know, I’m not a big sports fan, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t learn something from sports. In this day and age, teamwork doesn’t seem likely, but perhaps a way of modifying behavior might be useful around the house. What if parents took turns as umpires, complete with whistle and yellow flag – it just might help bring tranquility to the home.
Actions requiring flags and proposed penalties:
OFF SIDES – Child enters another’s room uninvited to borrow an item. 5 rooms of vacuuming, return the item.
PERSONAL FOUL – Child tries to instigate a fight and/or call a sibling a name. Carry out the garbage, recycling and composting for a week.
FALSE START – Child promises to reduce video game/Facebook/Twitter/etc. time but does not. Loss of smartphone.
INTENTIONAL GROUNDING – An action that is so blatant (e.g. “Mom, I dare you!”) that it defies logic. Restriction to home including loss of electronics.
PASS INTERFERENCE – Actions that interrupt studies or homework assignments of a sibling. Offender sent to do chores until the required study time is completed.
HIT ON A DEFENSELESS RECEIVER – Tossing objects that damage the television because of disagreement with what someone on the program says. Offender sent to appliance store to purchase replacement half again of the previous screen size.
I can accept athletes, but jocks drive me nuts. Jocks are the ones that people fawn over and adulate regardless of how they behave. The drugs, affairs and occasional murder are to be expected.
Back in high school, the jocks were the center of attention. They attracted girls like a flame attracts moths. The more cavalier they were about their “conquests” the more the girls were attracted to them.
In college, the weekly football or basketball games were so important for generating revenue that the jocks were assured of passing grades. Other students had to actually learn the material, do the course work and actually earn their grades (although actually getting educated does have an advantage later in life.)
After graduation, most of the jocks were shocked to find out that their glory days were over. At the ripe age of twenty-three or so, life as they knew it was over. They weren’t good enough to move into the pros and they finally had to learn in the real world – some more successfully than others.
By the time I was forty, even those select few of my age group who had the talent to play professional sports had used up their bodies, and most of them had to fit in amongst us mere mortals.
At that point, I breathed a sigh of relief.
But like the 17 year cicadas, jocks once again entered my life. The sons and daughters of my generation, now with their own youth behind them, are now coaching Little League baseball, youth soccer, or flag football. My younger kids and my grandkids are the ones they’re coaching. It’s the last hurrah of a former jock.
But the kids playing these sports look up to those adults as role models and follow their example.
The kids learn to scream and cuss, berate one another, focus on what’s wrong with everyone else, expect adulation, and overstate their own abilities. Voila – A new generation of jocks.
sfnowak 