I’d like to welcome everybody to the weekly staff meeting. Please turn off all pagers and cell phones.
What’s that Bob? I don’t care if you’re waiting for a call on a major investment! You need to get your customers under control. This bank doesn’t exist to keep customers happy!
Okay, the first order of business. For years we’ve chained down the ball point pens. However, people can take as many copies of the deposit slips as they want. Corporate has directed us to have only one deposit slip out in the lobby area. When that one is used, we’ll replace it. If a customer uses more than one, we’ll charge them 10 cents per deposit slip. What’s that Carol? What if they have two accounts? No matter, they still have to pay for the slip.
By the way, let’s all give Carol a big hand. She figured out that although pay toilets are illegal in this state, pay bathrooms are not. It now costs one dollar to get into the bathroom. Since there is no charge to use the actual stalls once you’re inside, it’s completely legal. Great job, Carol.
Now as you’ve heard, since we can’t charge people for using their debit cards after all, so we’re going to have to lay off thirty thousand employees nationwide. This is necessary in order to continue the bonuses for our top executives. Oh, and we’re raising your health insurance deductible and co-pay effective immediately.
Speaking of executives, you’ll be reading in the paper tomorrow that our CEO embezzled twenty-seven million dollars and is now on a Caribbean Island that has no extradition treaty with the United States. The bad news is that according to his contract, he’s entitled to cash in his stock options for an additional seventeen million. The good news is that his secretary, who we fired just for the hell of it, is not entitled to unemployment compensation.
We are in the process of hiring a replacement for the CEO. An offer has been extended to the former CEO of MegaBank. Since they have declared bankruptcy, he’s now available. Oh, and he’s also the nephew of a member of our board of directors, so I’m sure he’ll do fine. I’ve been told that we’ve reached an agreement on his salary, stock options, bonuses and severance package. Once he and the devil complete negotiations concerning his soul he’ll be able to get started.
Remember, people, most paper clips can be bent back into shape rather than discarded and if you bend a post it note over you can use the other side.
All right everybody, back to work. Time is money!