Tag Archives: accounting

Magic with Numbers!

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Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawkins were rank amateurs because they were handicapped by their pathetic math skills.

The real math pros are accountants.

As the old joke goes:
A businessman needed to hire someone who knew math. For the interview, he had written on a white board “2 + 2 =.” The mathemetician wrote “4,” as did the physicist. When an acountant arrived, he looked at the whiteboard, locked the door, checked to make sure the window was locked, and pulled the curtains. He leaned close to the businessman and whispered,
“What do you want it to be?”

Creative accounting requires more mental gymnastics than figuring out how the universe began or will end. Here’s a great example:

Forestt Gump, the movie, cost $55 million dollars to produce. It earned nearly $680 BILLION, but according to the accountants, it lost money. Some of the contributors (like author Winston Groom) had agreed to a percentage of the net profits. However, since it never made a dime, their share was zero.

Let’s review the math:

$679,850,637,000
–        $55,000,000
             ZERO*
* After depreciation, marketing, amortization, title, and dealer preparation charges–and other “Generally Accepted Accounting Principles”.

I didn’t include taxes, because if it “lost money,” I’m not sure whether or not they had to pay any.

Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking, eat your hearts out!

 

 

Another Jobxtaposition

What if accountants managed their practices like psychotherapists?

“Are we finally ready to get my tax return filed?”

“I’m sensing a lot of anxiety. Would you care to talk about it?”

“Yes, I’m anxious, and, no I don’t want to talk about it. It’s April 13th and I’ve been here every week since January. I need to get this done.

“Now, here are all the receipts for all the repair parts I’ve purchased.”

“I see. Now how does that make you feel?”

“I feel like I’m going to go to jail or have my house seized by the IRS if we don’t get this finished! Look, just take these receipts and do your calculations so we can get this finished!”

“Hmm, I see. How do you think that his affects your relationship with your mother?”

“Well, considering that this is a family business, and my mother is the office manager, she’s going to be pissed if we don’t file our taxes on time.”

“Oh, dear. I see our time is up for this week. I say we continue next week. Shall we?”

“I’ve got a better idea. Tomorrow my mother is going to stop by and find out why our taxes aren’t done. Don’t think that not showing up at the office will help you—she’ll find you. I know. I stayed out half an hour past curfew once. ONCE! I was so scared that I hid in an abandoned quarry in a rattlesnake pit two counties away. She found me in twenty minutes.”

“I’m still sensing a lot of anxiety. Why don’t you leave all those receipts with me and I’ll see what I can do.”

[Knock on door]

“Son, is everything done and ready to file?”

“Not, quite, mom.”

At that point, my mother looked directly at the accountant.

“I’m not afraid of you,” the accountant said.

Suddenly, my mother’s sounded a little raspy, as she added, “You will be. You will be.”

yoda