Tag Archives: Hollywood

Detroit’s Demise

I grew up in Toledo, about an hour south of Detroit, so I feel a personal twinge about the financial disaster Detroit now faces.

It wasn’t always so. They used to say that, “What’s good for General Motors, is good for the country.” Supposedly GM had to keep its market share below 51% to not run afoul of monopoly laws.

Imported cars were rare.  They were exotics, like Lamborghinis, sports cars like the MG, or quirky like the VW Beetle.

How did Detroit go from being on top of the world to bankruptcy?

Two words.

Flying Cars.

The Jetsons! Hanna-Barbera

The Jetsons!
Hanna-Barbera

They’ve been promising us flying cars for years. “Thunderbirds,” the 1950’s black and white marionette space show had flying cars. The Jetsons made it practically a promise, and, if that wasn’t enough, we had the hover cars in “Back to the Future.”

So, Detroit, it’s all Hollywood’s fault.

Random Thoughts

It’s Friday (Okay, it’s actually Saturday morning, but it’s early Saturday morning) – time for some (very) random thoughts

rubik

I can understand the bumper stickers that proclaim your child is an honor student; the child is proud of his accomplishment and wants to show it off. On the other hand, I don’t quite understand the “I love my [dog breed]” stickers. Do these people understand that their dogs can’t read?

Now that we have automatic toilets, soap dispensers, faucets and hand driers, would these create problems for the Invisible Man?

Kids want to know with cellphones everywhere, why still have a “land line” phone. That’s easy — because “I can hear you now” as opposed to “Can you repeat that?”

My computer wanted to change the line above to “a land line phone have.” Sounds like Yoda. I guess everyone is excited about the upcoming Star Wars movies.

Remember when your mother thought that the way to make any dish a gourmet meal only required pouring Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom Soup over it?

Why do men generally prefer to cook outdoors? Bigger flames, lots of smoke and beer.

Why do most women look in the mirror and notice every flaw, completely missing their attractiveness while most men look in the mirror and see someone slightly better looking than the latest Hollywood heartthrob? Might be due to the exposure to the flames,, smoke and beer.

Wednesday Night Prime Time TV

CC-logo [Converted]

6:00 NETWORK NEWS: The world on the brink of war! Threats from North Korea! Trouble in Syria! Palestine and Israel! Special report on how this affects Lindsay Lohan.

7:00 TRAILER TRASH: Cute little “Doggie Doo Doo” wants to go to school, but Big Fat Mama says, “No! You need to stay stupid, so we can keep having our own TV show!”

8:00 REAL HOUSEWIVES OF MOSCOW: Olga suspects husband Ivan of pursuing widow next door when she finds pictures of neighbor’s tractor in Ivan’s workshop. Meanwhile Alyona’s new job at the museum goes awry when she accidentally locks Lenin’s body in a closet and must convince Alexei to impersonate the dead Russian leader until the locksmith arrives.

9:00 SO YOU THINK YOU’VE GOT TALENT: Special Edition! A hilarious lineup of tone deaf musicians, uncoordinated dancers and a juggler with limited mobility due to an unfortunate accident with a chainsaw during his audition. Celebrity judges Nancy Grace, Lady GaGa, Paris Hilton and Kanye West all in particularly nasty moods.

10:00 SURVIVOR – HOLLYWOOD: NEW! Having eliminated the cost of writers, Survivor takes the next logical step and films on the streets of Hollywood. Contestants must face a series of challenges armed only with a Gucci bag and a Green American Express Card.

11:00 LOCAL NEWS: Someone went into a neighborhood bar but came out feet first. We’ll tell you who.

New Awards Show – Don’t Miss It!

Gold-Toilet

“Tonight! The Loo Awards – another in a seemingly endless series of awards programs where rich Hollywood stars get to have attention lavished on them just like what happens to them every other day of the year! And don’t forget that they’ll get swag bags filled with free goodies that YOU can’t even afford!”

I muted the television. My first thought was that this gave me the perfect excuse to go to bed early, since I really don’t care about who wins what, what they said, what they said wrong, what they wore and what wardrobe malfunctions occurred. But it got me thinking.

Of course there’s the Academy of Motion Pictures’ Awards – the “Oscars.” They give so many awards that half of them are given outside of the televised extravaganza. These tend to be technical in nature, so the team that invented a new computer to make special effects seem real – something that takes brains, talent and education – get their statuette mailed to them or something. On the other hand, the “star” who doesn’t know what to say when the phone rings until the third rewrite gets a lot of attention.

Then there’s the Emmys, awarded by the Academy of Television Arts and Science. They not only have separate sessions for primetime and daytime awards, but they also have regional awards, meaning that even if you were awarded an Emmy, the entire event could be kept totally secret – not that anyone in the entertainment business would be interested in that.

Next you’ve got the “People’s Choice Awards,” the “Golden Globes” and the “Screen Actors Guild Awards.” Oh, and don’t forget the “Tonys” for live theater. It’s kind of like kids’ soccer were everybody who showed up at least once gets a trophy at the end of the year.

I unmuted the television.

“Tonight, live from Flushing, New York, the Loo Awards, where we recognize the cream of the crap. Annnd here’s your hosts for tonight, Jerry Springer and Maury Povich!”

I muted the TV again. I did turn on the captioning. It was an education.

There was an award for “Trailer Trash Television.” There was another for “Faked Finds,” where the decision was a tossup between a second hand store show and “Ghosts are Really Real! Really!” There was an award for program that demonstrated the best exploitation of a child by their parents. There was something about the Kardashians, but thankfully I missed most of it to take a bathroom break. When they got to “Most Obnoxious Model Wannabes.” I turned it off.

I’m not going to watch television tonight.

There’s a really ugly hole in the wall where my flat screen television used to hang and it needs repairing.

Nowhere Man (Part 1)

The Beatles

The Beatles

 

Suddenly I awoke.

Or did I?

I felt like I was awake, but I couldn’t see or hear anything. Where was I? Was I dead? I didn’t think so. If I were dead I should either be experiencing heaven or hell or whatever, or if those didn’t exist and I was dead I shouldn’t think or feel anything.

So where was I?

I tried to think logically and started by taking a mental inventory. I was aware of myself. I couldn’t perceive anything else. I tried to see if I could feel anything, but my hands and feet didn’t seem to be there.

This was a little weird and very, very scary. I thought about the old stories and movies with someone’s brain kept alive in the jar, its owner going mad without being able to communicate. I tried to calm myself, but it was difficult; usually I start by trying to control my breathing, but I couldn’t tell if I was breathing or not. I couldn’t feel my chest to tell if it was rising and falling. I didn’t feel like I needed oxygen so at least I wasn’t suffocating.

That thought helped calm me down.

Where could I be so that I wouldn’t be able to see, hear or feel anything? I remembered reading about sensory deprivation tank experiments in which people floated in a warm liquid in a sound and light proof enclosure. But didn’t they say that without anything else to interfere you’d hear your heart and the blood moving through your arteries? And after a while weren’t you supposed to hear the electrical conduction of the nerves?

I could think of no reason I would be in a sensory deprivation tank. As a matter of fact, I wasn’t sure that they still existed, if they really had existed at all in the past. Maybe they were all just Hollywood hype.

So where was I?

I decided that as weird as it sounded I must be nowhere.

(To be continued)