Tag Archives: Parenthood

Hermione! I Need Your Time-Turner!

Harold Lloyd Modern Times

Harold Lloyd
Modern Times

I’m having a problem with all the important things I’m supposed to do. You’re probably in the same boat, whether you realize it or not.

It takes me about an hour and 45 minutes to get up, shower, shave, dress, eat breakfast, and drive to work. I work an eight hour day and it takes between 30 and 45 minutes to get home. Most nights there’s practice, rehearsal, or something with one of the kids, which usually takes between two and three hours.

The “experts” (whoever they are) are recommending that I get between eight and nine hours sleep per night. In addition, I should work out at least half an hour every day. With changing into workout clothes (and don’t forget to stretch), showering and changing back it ends up being an hour.

Everyone should devote at least an hour praying, reading scripture, or meditating to satisfy their spiritual needs.

In order to eat properly, I really should avoid processed food, so preparing a proper home cooked meal from fresh, locally grown foodstuffs adds another two to three hours between stopping at the grocery for fresh ingredients, followed by cleaning, prepping, and cooking: grilled, not fried; steamed or raw vegetables (after rinsing, spraying with diluted vinegar, and rinsing again in hopes of killing the E. coli, listeria, salmonella, and the occasional frog. I tend to eat fast, so let’s add 30 minutes to eat and after dinner another half hour to clean up, followed by another half hour to put everything away.

Don’t forget, that we need to do what the church mouse said and feed our head; so add an hour of reading the newspaper plus another hour to concentrate on a good book, and maybe an hour to sit with my wife and watch television.

Finally, about an hour to write blog (assume no writers’ block); oops! I need to go online and pay some bills, for another half hour, and hopefully an hour or so to pursue my muse of gadgets and inventions, followed by another half hour to get ready for bed; teeth brushing, thoroughly flossing, taking all the correct medications, and attaching all of the required medical devices that make me feel like Darth Vader (“He’s more machine than man”).

So let’s see:

Task

Hours

Before work

1.75

Work

8.0

Drive home

0.5

Kids’ activities

2.5

Sleep

8.5

Workout

1.0

Spiritual

1.0

Cooking

2.5

Eating & cleanup

1.5

Newspaper

1.0

Book

1.0

Blog

1.0

Pay Bills

0.5

Gadgets

1.0

Prepare for bed

0.5

TOTAL

32.25

All I need is eight or nine more hours per day and I’ll be fine.

Vicarious Parenthood

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For further information, Zits
http://zitscomics.com/

For those of you who are not (or not yet) parents, please allow me to virtually share the experience with. The first thing you need to know is that everything you own is no longer…

“Can I go over to Bob’s?”

“Did you clean your room like you promised?”

“No. I’ll get it later, I promise. Bye!”

As I was saying, all your belongings are now communal property. Your clothes, your wallet, even your toothbrush…

“I can’t find my soccer shorts!”

“Did you look in…”

“I’ve looked everywhere! I can’t find them! What am I going to do? Waah!” (Sound of slamming bedroom door)

Yes even your toothbrush and your deodorant are subject to sharing. On the other hand…

“I don’t mean to interrupt. Well, I guess I do. You know that science project we were assigned last month? Well it’s due tomorrow and I need you to take me to the store to get everything on this list.”

“You haven’t started that? Why in the world not?”

“I forgot. C’mon, we gotta get to the store so I can get started. While I get these things, will you buy me some diet cola and a candy bar?”

I guess I won’t finish the blog, now, but you get the idea.