Tag Archives: Presidential Election

The Candidates (Revised)

After being politically correct for the past few weeks (some by omission), here we go.

The Clintons at the Trumps’ 2005 Wedding


Now that the presumptive candidates (and, they’re both quite presumptuous, thank you [rim shot—bada-bing]) are in place, the world is beginning to react.

Great Britain: “I say, old chap, do you miss King George the Third yet?”

Vladimir Putin (AKA Russia): “Of course this is all according to my plan, but I assure you that no Russian military troops were involved!”

Mexico: “Here’s our counter offer:

  1. “We are willing to pay to build a wall, but we propose a different—but better—location. The wall would be more beneficial to the citizens of both countries if it were constructed about fifty meters outside the right-hand lane of I-495, thereby encircling Washington, DC. This would help maintain control of politicians’ entry into the United States of America mainland.
  2. “The wall will be funded by charging a toll for travel through the numerous tunnels that already exist under the border between our two countries. Since the tunnels are well-engineered, structurally sound, well lit, and either paved or equipped with rail service, it should be easy to add electronic toll transponders. Of course, after the election, there may be many US citizens who will utilize the tunnels to head south in a search for a more placid place to call home, and they would be responsible for paying the toll as well. Please ensure that the EZ-Pass transponder system deposits the fees into Los Estados Unidos de Mexico National Bank.
  3. “Incidentally, we revised our immigration laws in 2011. If you’d like a copy, you can easily get it online.”

North Korea: “As a gesture of confidence in our future relations, we would be most willing to host any of your e-mail servers. I assure you that the DPRK has many well-trained computer specialists, and we would treat your computer as we would treat one of our own.”

Canada: “Hey! No way, hoser! Take off, ay? There are reasons that we prefer to be neighbors rather than family. We like our prime minister just fine, thank you, since he’s cultured and refined. Besides, our beer is much better than yours!”

Excuse Me—Have You Checked the Calendar?

Photo by Gage Skidmore

Photo by Gage Skidmore

No matter how you slice it, it is 2015—which is NOT A PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION YEAR!

I don’t care who is ahead in the polls. It is NOT A PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION YEAR!

I’m not interested in the Fox channel debates because it is NOT A PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION YEAR!

I take democracy seriously, but political theater has nothing to do with the democratic process. It’s essentially one more way for the media to huckster products and advise us to “Ask your doctor if [name of drug here] is right for you.”

Oh, and by the way, the skills needed to be a politician running for office and the skills need to successfully execute that office have nothing to do with one another.

Australia! Australia! Australia! We Love You. Amen!*

About every four years I suddenly begin to wonder what life in Australia or New Zealand might be like. 

This is one of those years.

 Every four years.

 Isn’t odd how the periodicity is so regular?

 I often listen to National Public Radio (NPR) because they tend to have interesting topics to discuss. For the past month I turn it on hoping against hope that they’ll present something interesting. Something different than what I’m seeing on television, online and even in my sleep.

 Even with my pledge, NPR is not doing their part. Drastic action is called for. (Attention NPR: You do realize I broke my pledge up into 12 monthly segments; there’s a reason for that.)


  “Today, President Obama campaigned…”


 “Mitt Romney told reporters…”




 “At a fundraiser…”


 Hence my fantasies about Australia and New Zealand.

Terry Gilliam Art from Monty Python’s Flying Circus

Australia has a more “devil may care” cachet, but that’s understandable. The Kiwis (New Zealanders) like to correct us Yanks when we hint that we think Australians and Kiwis are similar. They (correctly) point out that their ancestors came to New Zealand “as subjects of the crown to settle.” On the other hand, the first Australians were “sent there as punishment” since it was once a penal colony. They like to add that from their perspective it’s the Americans and Australians who have many similarities. So the question becomes, would I prefer to go to where the inmates took over, or where the people did what America could not – separate from English rule without a war?

 I wouldn’t want to give up my citizenship, so I guess it would have to be a work assignment that popped up every four years.

 However, as I think about it, the main advantage would be that from 10,000 miles away, sheltered from the campaign ads, and news overexposure I might be able to make a thoughtful, rational and intelligent choice for my absentee ballot.

 Of course another option would be to change the disclaimer on political advertisements to, “I {Candidate’s Name} approve this message and its half-truths, exaggerations, outright lies and any libelous or slanderous statements because I’m willing to say or do anything – and I mean anything to get elected.”

 *Monty Python – Psychology Department at the University of Walamaloo Sketch.