As you probably know, Kevin McCarthy, Speaker of the House of Representatives, released 41,000 hours of video from the January 6 insurrection to Tucker Carlson at Fox Gnus. These videos not only show what was happening but will also disclose the location and capabilities of all the security systems in the Capitol Building. This permits Carlson to cherry pick sections of the videos to support any preconceived views of Rupert Murdoch and Fox News as well as being an homage to Vladimir Putin an RT (Russia Today) television. These tapes provide priceless information to anyone considering future assaults on the Capitol. It’s likely that Fox will make arrangements to provide coverage of future insurrections emphasizing tourists looking for the gift shop.
At birth, Kevin McCarthy was not named after former senator Joe McCarthy, responsible for the red scare and blackballing of innocent individuals accused of being communists. Being a member of the communist party was never illegal until 1954, after Joe McCarthy’s tirade. However, he apparently adulates his namesake.
Kevin McCarthy explained that the reason he disclosed this sensitive video information to Carlson was because he had promised to do so (although, he apparently never mentioned Fox News). McCarthy made numerous promises before and during the record setting 16 (!) ballots before he squeaked into the Speaker’s chair.
It is ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE that George Santos, Ron Johnson, Anna Paulina Luna, Andy Ogles, and other GOP members of Congress disclosed additional private promises that Kevin McCarthy made in order to become Speaker. These DID NOT include:
- Marjorie Taylor Green being named Vice Speaker and Master of the World, requiring McCarthy to genuflect in her presence.
- Backdated “Real ID” cards indicating adulthood for any underage girls Matt Gaetz “dated.” He will also receive an entire deck of Get Out of Jail Free cards.
- The Department of Energy will be instructed to begin construction on an extension cord for Ted Cruz so he can vacation in the Caribbean the next time the Texas power grid crashes.
- Jim Jordan will be named Mr. Congeniality, and will be allowed to celebrate “Casual Friday” every day. He will never have to wear a coat and tie again.
- Lauren Boebert will receive sessions with professional stylists to dye her hair, provide a makeover, and appropriate(??) clothing to allow her to more closely emulate MTG.
- All GOP representatives will be authorized to carry weapons, up to and including a .50 caliber M2 machine gun, in committee rooms. Due to crowded conditions, they will be requested to limit themselves to AR-15s or smaller in the House Chambers to allow everyone room to pack heat.
Fortunately, no member of the Party of Lincoln would embrace racism, tell lies, or demand a quid-pro-quo for the honor of serving in the legislature. Oddly, a noticeable whirring sound has been emanating from Abraham Lincoln’s tomb; this began during the speaker selection process.