A Slightly Redacted Amicus Brief Concerning Computer Privacy

[Redacted]

Federal Judge [Redacted]

[Redacted] District Court

 

As you and your colleagues are pondering whether or not to require certain companies, such as Apple to unlock telephones or accounts, I’d ask you to consider the following key issues:

  1. The future of the internet is dependent upon free and open discussion, which at times must be encrypted so that only those involved in the conversation have access.
  2. You wouldn’t want your browsing history through Google, Bing, etc. to be published. Such queries as “Kinky judges,” “How to finesse an appointment to a higher court,” or “Sex and the single prosecutor” might prove embarrassing.
  3. Likewise, your Amazon account shows some very interesting purchases, which while legal, would be most embarrassing if made public (e.g. ladies’ underwear much too large for your wife; dead on sized for you).
  4. Google’s GPS tracking system can place you at various “gentlemen’s clubs,” complete with time and date. This also allows the credit card receipts to “Bob’s Diner” to be undeniably proven to be payment for lap dances at “Hot Ladies, Inc.”
  5. Finally, it is most interesting that you installed TOR (used to access the dark web) on your personal computer, along with Pretty Good Privacy encryption software.

It is not appropriate for the government to track detailed information about citizens. That is the sole realm of private businesses. You must make whatever legal decisions you believe to be appropriate, of course, but consider these issues to be similar to “friend of the court” briefs.

Finally, please do not waste time trying to have these computer files located by the cyber security experts. The files are safely residing on computers in North Korea, Iran, and Russia. Even Ed Snowden couldn’t get them.

Your Cyber Friends,

[Redacted]

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